planetdan

Sunday, October 10, 2004 :::

Cats are bastards.

My neighbor's cat craps all over my lawn. And by the looks of it, they don't provide it with a healthy diet. Normally, I wouldn't mind, because I don't like being outside so I don't normally have to deal with it. But I do have to mow the lawn every week, and running over that stuff while you got your mower set to mulch is extremely unpleasant. I've been bitching about it to myself for weeks, but I'm too passive-aggressive to actually complain to the neighbors about it.

This weekend, though, kitty left me an extra treat: half a rabbit. Just the bottom half, mind you. It must've kept the top half to mount as a trophy. The bottom half it left for me, and being relatively new to homeownership, I wasn't sure of the proper animal carcass disposal process. My first instinct was to put it onto a shovel and chuck it into the alley, which I tried, but being non-athletic, it didn't clear the bush, and so it just landed on top, dangling from the branches. I got the rake and pulled the rabbit ass from the bush and was doing the three-two-one countdown for another toss when I looked up and saw my neighbor from across the alley. I'm positive he wasn't there the first time I threw the half-bunny into the bush, because I gave the area a good look-see beforehand. But regardless, I'm pretty sure that holding a mutilated animal carcass at the end of a rake while counting down to zero doesn't look good in any context. So I just walked away, all innocent like, pretending I didn't notice him standing there. I ended up bagging the thing into a hefty sack and putting it in the cat-owner's garbage bin, which I felt was justified.

I do regret the initial rabbit-tossing idea, though. That just wasn't right.

::: posted by dan at 10:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments

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20 previous comments:

Yeah, I hate cats too. Haven't had to deal much with cat poop, since I stay the hell away from places that have cats (I am terribly allergic as well), but I had a similar experience with something worse...goose poop. It's everywhere these days with the annual fall migration going on. The fiancee and I were out for the walk the other day, and we noticed what we thought at first was dog poop left behind by a bad owner. Unfortunately, it was from the flock of geese that we have seen frequenting the area lately. Goose poop is as big as dog poop! And its everywhere! And nobody seems to care! Isn't a bird flu going around. Worse than WMD, man...

By

pierre, at 12:17 AM

Regarding your regret over the "rabbit-tossing idea", how much regret do you think your neighbour has about his cat using your lawn for a litterbox? Some? A smidgen? None?
Screw him! Throw all the leftover rabbit guts, cat feces, etc., you find onto his lawn, since he's the (indirect) source of your problem.
Remember: revenge is better than manners any time.

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Anonymous, at 12:44 AM

First of all...What am I doing up at 5 a.m? Oh yeah, haven't slept yet...on account'a my "imsomneeya". Dr. Johnson gave me these here pills. ANYWAY...on behalf of my nieces, I hope that wasn't the Easter Bunny. Can we say "therapy"??? On the other hand, let that be a lesson to your evil neighbor who lets his pets meddle in others' bidness...

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Kiddo78, at 5:10 AM

Dan - Head on down to your local lawn and garden - Agway type - store. There is a product that you can put on your lawn that keeps the cats away. I tried it and it works. Its a bone meal product that the cats hate and it is protein based and has no ill effects on the cat (I'm sure that's your BIGGEST concern!) or humans. I had the same thing, a neighbors cat using my garden as a litter box, I did point it out to the neighbor but it fell on deaf ears. Some sort of "how am I supposed to control that?" crap answer. I would left said offending neighbor know that kitty is killing off the local wildlife. I guess now you know why his odor is so offending! Classy cat though - he left the ass. PS - You are my new favorite addiction.

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Anonymous, at 7:40 AM

We had a couple funny wildlife experiences at our house.Once there was a injured crow that I suddenly turned all hero about...well I turned all hero in the respect I made Greg throw a towel over its hopping body and place it in a box to bring to the local animal rescue.Greg said it was fluttering and making disturbing noises the whole 1/2 hour car ride.The neighboors must have thought we were crazy.I was screaming and flailing at his attempts to box the bird and Greg was playing the I am scared out of my mind but want to seem in control but oviously am not due to my intermitent yelps role...you know that role don't you? We also had a dead rabbit experience when Greg was at work.I made my mom come over. The thought of it laying in the yard moved me to sobbing hysterics whenever I would think about it.My justification for her coming over was I would have gladly disposed of it but I was pregnant and thought sure I would contract some rabies type disease by going outside at the same time "it" was in the yard.I think those experiences fueled my hatred for birds and rabbits.I surprisingly like ducks though.

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Stacy, at 8:06 AM

There's such a thing as cat repellent? How come no one has ever told me this?

To be fair, I don't know if it was really their cat that ate the rabbit. But I don't see many hawks in the city, and I don't know of any other creature that can rip a bunny in half. Maybe it was the chupacabra.

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dan, at 10:29 AM

Silly Dan, the chupacabra can't survive that far north.

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Anonymous, at 10:38 AM

I know i don't know you and you don't know me, but I just have to say thank you for relieving my hours of tedium at work. This post almost made me fall out of my chair i was laughing so hard, and my office mate now thinks i'm an idiot...but it's worth it. you're hilarious. :)

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sarie, at 12:41 PM

So it was a rainy weekend and I was watching the Discovery Channel,TLC, Animal Planet, etc. like the true addict that I am...

Anyway, I was watching "Animal Cops" or something equally inane and was completely fascinated by this fellow who had some kind of morbid fascination with kitty cats. He lived in a small two story house, and the neighbors called authorities repeatedly about a foul smell. (Do you see it coming?)The police checked it out and passed on it because they ain't messin' with nothin' that crazy that has claws. The local ASPCA checked it out, and this guy had over 250 cats all living under one roof. I kid you not, they took a camera inside and the furniture was all clawed beyond recognition. Cat feces trailed up the wall about 3 feet from the floor throughout the entire house. All of the cats were feral, had never been vaccinated, etc. The workers literally had to wear gas masks because the concentration of ammonia from the urine was so high. Very disturbing.
Sorry for the novel, but this was a completely fascinating story in a disturbing sort of way...

By

Will, at 2:38 PM

See? You never hear about crazy dog people. Just crazy cat people. Cats. Bah.

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dan, at 3:10 PM

Seems like someone's been watching the X-Files.

And I know there was a similar story about a woman with an abundance of cats (I believe locally). The workers not only had to wear protective gear (masks, suits & the such). They also had to blast in fresh air. Now, that's rank.

By

hot babe, at 3:46 PM

You could get a dog...they work for cat repellent. Another bright side would be teaching your dog to hump on command.

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amy leigh, at 3:57 PM

chupacabra...Imani Coppola...my college roommate used to listen to that album on a loop. Thanks for digging that up.

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amy leigh, at 4:18 PM

You know, the leaving of a carcass is supposed to be like, a feline gift of affection....of course the feline in question did leave you the rabbit's ass....
so I'm not so sure about the affection.
Maybe its similar in intent to the horse head left on the pillow?

By

pixelala, at 6:16 PM

Your neighbor wouldn't be this guy, would he?

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S&J, at 11:53 PM

Alright. Now I'm gagging....violently.

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Kiddo78, at 1:17 PM

Are you sure it's the neighbors cat putting that stuff there and not some weird Dueling-banjos-type neighbor who doesn't like you? Not to make you paranoid or anything...LOL

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Christian, at 3:04 PM

I am an animal lover by nature... two cats, two dogs, two kids and one husband. Who ever posted the fact that cats leave "presents" is absolutely right...they leave presents of affection...kind of like a kid saying "look Mom...no hands". If you're still having the cat problem you could use moth balls (cheaper than cat repellent) or the spray on repellent that is costly and disappears after the rain...dog is an option if you haven't already got one...or catch the little bugger in a live trap and send him to the humane society. (or nail him by the tail to your neighbors door post with a kind note of "Does this belong to you?") In all seriousness...the cat has claimed your yard as his/her own and they are very territorial...catch him and send him away...far far away...that's really about all you can do. Good Luck!

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Anonymous, at 6:53 PM

Dan, I know this blog post is centuries old but I wanted to let you know that next time you should probably just dig a hole and bury it. Also, the cat probably ate the head. For some reason they like to do that. My cat, Sandwich, used to love eating bird heads. Some sort of rare delicasy I suppose. I swear our old house is a massive headless bird graveyard. Good thing we moved. That's another thing I always wondered about... what if the family before you had a large animal that died and you're digging holes to plant shrubs... Hmm I should stop, you probably don't want to think about that type of thing. You probably won't see this either. In fact i'm probably only posting this because I've been at work for 12 hours now and i've decided to stop doing any real work. Thanks Dan.

By

Tigertosser, at 9:34 PM

Ha! Ha! Ha!...That's hillarious! You're right- cat's can be such beotches!

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Anonymous, at 9:22 PM

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