planetdan

Kerry / Kutcher '04

McSweeney's thinks that jesus would not make a good VP candidate:

Pro: Would put Bush in uncomfortable position of attacking his personal Lord and Savior, could redefine Christianity instantly for political gain, likable
Con: Mythical

Or Aston Kutcher:

Pro: Could "punk" Bush campaign with crazy pranks, make them think their president plane got stoled, and then he could yell "Punk'd!" and it would be funny
Con: Sucks

Read more pros and cons for potential VPs.

::: posted by dan at 2:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Pop v. Soda

I love internet people. They have the time, skillz, and the inclination to make a website devoted to the Pop vs. Soda debate. We here in the midwest are apparently more apt to order a pop than a soda, but those freaks down south find it perfectly acceptable to order a Coke if they want a Sprite.

This chart illustrates it best.

::: posted by dan at 12:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 :::

Passion Parade

This pic is from Roger Ebert's Cannes Photo Album. Passion.com is actually a website for "sexy personal ads for passionate people." One would hope that even Mel Gibson wouldn't be that much of a freak. Of course, one would be wrong.

::: posted by dan at 2:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Waiter, there's hair in my pad thai.

Did you know that you can make Soy Sauce out of human hair? Did you know that they DO make Soy Sauce out of human hair?

For real they do sometimes.

Snagged from Worldofwonder.net.

::: posted by dan at 12:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 :::

Where are the toilet seat covers when you really need them?

You know when you go to Valley Fair and the person in line in front of you while waiting to ride on The Wild Thing has obviously just come from riding The Flume or Thunder Canyon or something, and so when it comes your turn you have to sit in their wet ass puddle?

Well, this would be worse.

::: posted by dan at 1:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Prudey McNopants

I think it's funny that this was considered pornographic in the 20's:

Anyway, there are a few more "pornographic" pictures at this link [from filepile.org], which also utilizes a pretty cool page-turning device for web geeks. Neat-o.

::: posted by dan at 1:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Monday, May 24, 2004 :::

I am a pure hunk...

...and I have the domain to prove it:

Visit purehunk.com!

Totally work-safe, of course, as long as you don't get in trouble for slacking off at work after getting lost in my eyes.

::: posted by dan at 8:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

That's one moonie too many.

Ahh, to be Republican and from Kentucky. From Chuck Shepherd's NOTW:

In Louisville, Ky., local Republican Party activists John Lowler and Peter Hayes feuded recently over their status at the upcoming state convention, with Lowler alleging that Hayes punched him. Lowler had first accused Hayes of smearing him by suggesting that he had recently had gay sex. Lowler acknowledges that he used to be gay but says he is now straight. Hayes said it was Lowler who smeared first by denigrating Hayes' religion, the Unification Church headed by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. Hayes told the Louisville Courier-Journal in April that Lowler had taunted him by saying, "Moonie, Moonie, Moonie, Moonie, Moonie." Lowler said he could only recall saying "Moonie, Moonie, Moonie."

::: posted by dan at 2:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 :::

Fall down go boom.

I like watching people trip. Especially when they are on a treadmill. Too bad this is an animated GIF so there is no sounds, because I bet it made a GREAT screeching noise...

Click here to see it.

::: posted by dan at 2:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

I feel for this guy. And the girl.

After being rear-ended a few months ago in a hit-and-run (by a guy who hit me and had the runs) I can certainly understand this guy's frustration, but I also feel bad for the perpetrator, not only because of the unflattering pictures posted on his site, but also because her current career goal is to drive a truck for Red Bull.

BitchHitMyTruck.com

::: posted by dan at 12:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Gagworthy

This gas thief accidently siphoned raw sewage from an old man's camper. I'm gagging just typing this.

Read it. It's funny.

::: posted by dan at 11:28 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Trickle Down Economics Indeed

Like we needed specific examples of why this doesn't work. From Wired:

When President Bush was promising last year that his tax cuts would revive the economy, he visited the Timken Company manufacturing plant near Canton, Ohio. In a speech to workers, he said that "the future of this company is bright and, therefore, the future of employment is bright for the families that work here." A year later, the plant -- owned by prominent Bush fundraiser W.R. "Tim" Timken -- is shutting down, throwing 1,300 people out of work. Since Bush took office, Ohio has lost more than 200,000 jobs. But the tax cuts are working, at least for the likes of Timken. He earned $2.6 million last year and can expect a tax break of roughly $60,000.

And don't forget to keep reading McSweeney's Daily Reasons to Dispatch Bush.

::: posted by dan at 10:54 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Monday, May 17, 2004 :::

Elsewhere is funnier.

I just thought this was kinda funny. Quoted from LasagnaFarm.com:

Comments Overheard at Work Regarding the Birth of Apple Martin to G. Pawltrow and C. Martin

Number of Times Someone at Work Has Pointed Out that Apple Martin Will Get Picked On In School: 14

Number of Times Someone at Work Has Pointed Out that Apple Martin Is One Letter Away From Apple Martini: 24

Number of Times Someone at Work Has Pointed Out that an Apple Martini Would Hit the Spot: 21

Oh, and Stereogum has a funny excerpt from Jon Stewart's speech at William & Mary last week:

"I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.

Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us."

::: posted by dan at 5:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Underoos: We Put the Fun in Fungal

More ill-advised marketing from Fruit of the Loom, the makers of Underoos, of which I'm sure we all have fond memories. Well, they developed a line of undies specifically for lil' boys called Funpals, and to balance out the equation they created a line for the lil' girls as well, unfortunately titled FunGals, which if it wasn't for the 'G' being capitalized, wouldn't seem so fun for the lil' girls.

From goodexperience.com.

::: posted by dan at 2:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Sunday, May 16, 2004 :::

God Blessitt already.

I stumbled across blessitt.com the other day, a site dedicated to the man who wrote the awesomely bad book I highlighted a few weeks ago. Turns out he's in the Guinness Book of World Record for the World's Longest Walk With a Cross. 300 nations, over 36,000 miles now. Seriously. This dude is determined. Halleluiah.

::: posted by dan at 9:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Thursday, May 13, 2004 :::

Worst. Corporate Art. Ever.

It's a torture to walk past this painting every day. I tried to justify its existence by telling myself that it kinda sorta resembled a giant floating Stormtrooper's helmet, but I'm beyond making excuses for it anymore. The power of the web is that I can now share this pain with all of you:

::: posted by dan at 4:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Delightfully Juvenile Web Design Humor

It's just like how you can make your calculator spell BOOBS, although people inexperienced with HTML probably won't appreciate:

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look Dirty or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful at McSweeney's.

::: posted by dan at 3:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

The sad state of burgling.

My friend B*Dub's car got broken into last night. They rooted through the entire car and took various valuables, but for some reason they left his Gilmore Girls Season 1 DVD Boxed Set. What is the world coming to?

::: posted by dan at 10:42 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

The Art of Seductive Dance

I saw this video link on MSNBC today. It's a video about "an American dance instructor and former stripper" who is "helping Australian men explore their sensual side by teaching them the art of the seductive dance." It's safe for work, but don't expect to see some sexy male stripping. These dudes are straight from the third shift at the warehouse.

If the link above doesn't work, you can just go here and scroll down to "Let Him Entertain You".

::: posted by dan at 10:36 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 :::

Appreciate the pretty.

I took this picture from my front doorstep after the storms on Sunday. It's pretty. Pretty kick-ass!

::: posted by dan at 9:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

At least it's not Atkins.

I guess I'm not really sure I understand, but is the concept of this weight-loss program supposed to be that if you have a lump of fat for a pet then you will be less inclined to eat it? You can buy either the lapdog version or the Marmaduke depending on your preference, but apparently the process requires daily affirmations in order to succeed. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonnit, my pet lump of fat likes me.

::: posted by dan at 12:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Monday, May 10, 2004 :::

Expensive TP

This reminds me of when my friend Stacy found $100 in a box of Hot Pockets. But no Hot Pocket. For real. She did.

Boy Finds $100 in Toilet Paper
HUDSONVILLE, Mich. (AP) — What appeared to be nothing more than another roll of toilet paper in the boys' restroom turned out to be a bankroll for fourth-grader Cody Yaeger.

That's because Cody discovered a $100 bill neatly folded and tucked inside.

The position of the bill — and the pristine condition of the toilet paper roll — left Jamestown Elementary Principal Jack DeLeeuw wondering if the bill was rolled in from the start.

::: posted by dan at 11:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Creeped out at Bally's.

I went back into the locker room at the health club after my half-assed workout tonight and there was a little boy sitting cross-legged in front of my locker. The kid looked exactly like that mystical Buddhist boy in The Golden Child, plus he was in a karate robe outfit which made the illusion all the more creepy. So I walked up and motioned that he should get out of my way, and he looked up at me and said, all little-kid foreign-accenty, "How can so many people live together on one small planet?" and I just stood there for a minute all confused, thinking what the hell is going on? Why is this creepy Buddhist kid asking me metaphysical/existential questions at Bally's Swim and Fitness? I half expected him to hover all monk-like in front of my gym locker, and I still didn't know how to respond, so I just said "Huh?" and he repeated, "How can so many people live together on one small planet?" Then he picked his nose and ate it, I swear to god, and that's when I forced myself back into reality and realized he wasn't Siddhartha or anything, he was just a wierd little kid. So I said "I don't know, kid, but that's my locker." Then he got up and ran away and I secretly wondered if I hadn't just brushed off my chance at spiritual enlightenment, until I saw the little Buddha biff it in the parking lot outside not ten minutes later. Which I decided was almost poetic somehow. Creepy kids totally wierd me out.

Remember that Little Buddha movie with Chris Isaak? That movie sucked.

::: posted by dan at 10:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Die-monds.

Did you know that you can get a hideous urine-colored gemstone/diamond manufactured from the dead remains of your loved one? Still unclear is whether or not they use ashes or just rotting flesh, but the breathtaking beauty of death is inarguable.

See fer yerself.

::: posted by dan at 2:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Happy Mother's Day

Last year for mother's day I photoshopped my mom this image, representing the fact that I am her baby. I hung a copy of it on my own fridge because I thought it was funny to include it with all the other real baby pics I have on display. But rather than laughing, every single person who sees it gets a sick-looking face and describes it as "disturbing". Guess I'm not the cutest baby in the world:

::: posted by dan at 7:33 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Sunday, May 09, 2004 :::

New Blogger = New Commenting

Blogger has relaunched (and poorly re-architected their user interface, to my horror) in order to finally catch up to the competitors (feature-wise). I'm not a fan of a lot of the "improvements" but since the service is free I will avoid bitchin' 'bout it. Blogger is how I publish this site, incidently, so there have been a few changes that will affect you, the reader. The main change being: commenting. Blogger now allows commenting through its own system, which is good because a) I am the owner of your posts on my own personal hosting space; and b) your comments will be forever archived, never deleted, dropped, or lost (my previous commenting service - haloscan - only promised to save your comments for four months). But this is also bad because a) for the moment I lost all your previous posts (temporarily - they will eventually be reinstated); and b) it means you all need to adjust to the new commenting procedure. It is quite similar, just click on the comment link below, scroll below my post, click on the 'Post a Comment' button, and go nuts. And please do because I really really really like comments and because I ask so little of all of you as it is.

UPDATE: I noticed that to use the new Blogger commenting feature you either have to be a blogger member (which is free but pointless if you don't want your own blog) or you must comment anonymously. So for now, until they fix this, which I assume they will have to, just post using the anonymous feature and include your name in the post, as if you were writing an email or sumthin. This will all sort itself out eventually.

::: posted by dan at 10:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Gilmore Guys

Worth100.com had a photoshop contest for May Sweeps to mock-up bad season finale ideas using our favorite photo editing tool. Some are moderately funny. This one, entitled "Gilmore Guys" was distressingly disturbing for me:

You can view the other entries here. Snagged from Newyorkish.com.

::: posted by dan at 8:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Saturday, May 08, 2004 :::

Kickball - The Inaugural Game

Played kickball tonight. I kicked a double. Never made it home to score, but still, the effort was there, and the skills couldn't be denied. And there was no kick-me sign circle of intimidation, so there has obviously been a good deal of growth on my part.

See the pics.

::: posted by dan at 12:44 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Thursday, May 06, 2004 :::

Graceful Gracie

My friend Jeannie's baby is super cute even when she looks psychopathic:

::: posted by dan at 2:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Er, duh.

Look at this ranking of average IQs by state, versus who the majority in the each state voted for in the 2000 election. I'm not really sure where this is from, but the results are not surprising, of course.

::: posted by dan at 1:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Tuesday, May 04, 2004 :::

Utterly disgusting, yet diabolically ingenious.

Holy gross. But if you really want a safe place to put your money on vacation, you honestly can't beat this idea. From the Wow Report.

Of course, I don't know why you'd need to buy it, since it would probably be pretty easy to manufacture your own.

::: posted by dan at 9:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Monday, May 03, 2004 :::

Athletically Inadequate

I suddenly got an ouchy tummy after finding out that I'm supposed to participate as a Greasy Cooter in my first kickball league game this Friday. Instantly, I had a flashback to the last time I played kickball: ninth grade gym class. I won't forget it because it was the very same day that every boy in class gathered in a circle of intimidation around yours truly to kick my shins and calves as hard as possible. You thought "Kick Me" signs were an apocryphal TV-sitcom invention? They aren't.

It took 15 minutes for me to realize I had a kick-me sign on my back; it took 15 days for the bruises to heal; and 15 years later the emotional scars still burn. Kidding, but after that flashback and after having just seen "Mean Girls" this weekend, it made me wonder about the worst taunting I've ever had. I had many, but it was the instances where even teachers participated that I remember most vividly. Like when Mr. Ring accused me of staring at his ass in front of the whole class. Or when Mr. Gunderson laughed derisively when Eric Nordberg called me a big-headed pansy during flag football. Both gym teachers. Hmmmmm.

If you have a good taunting story, you should comment on it to make me feel better.

::: posted by dan at 2:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Donnie Darko II: Aladdin Sane

The title of this post is pretty esoteric for those who aren't Donnie Darko/David Bowie fans, but I'd be pretty freaked out if I was being followed around by a man in a bunny suit, too. But I think whoever's doing it is kinda funny. Reminds me of the dog-suit stalkers on Trigger Happy TV. From the NY Daily News:

David Bowie may be looking over his shoulder Monday when he plays the Hammerstein Ballroom to kick off the Audi and Condé Nast "Never Follow" awards. The Thin White Duke believes he's being followed by a large pink rabbit - he's spotted a guy in a bunny suit at several of his recent shows.

"I thought, 'Hey, it's rock 'n' roll. It's just a 5-foot-3 bunny.'" But when he got on a plane to his next tour stop, he saw the bunny was on board.

::: posted by dan at 1:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Also from McSweeneys

I thought this was funny:

An Open Letter To MY Male Gynecologist
By Lindsay Katai

Dear Dr. Cohen,

Thank you for my Pap smear. It was truly an enlightening experience. To answer your questions, though—no, no I have never had sex before. Yes, really. Yes, I'm a virgin. Yes, I really am. No, no I'm not Catholic. Yes, I am twenty-one. Nope. Nope. Never had sex before. I really haven't. Really. Yes, I'm serious. Thank you, I like to think I'm attractive. Yes, I have had one boyfriend. No, no he didn't break up with me. I broke up with him. No, no I haven't had a boyfriend in two years. Yes, I guess that is quite a while. Yes, I do put myself out there. No, I don't think my standards in relationships are too high. No, no I don't think I'm too hard on boys my age.

Yes. Virgin. I'm a virgin. Virgin virgin virgin virgin virgin.

VIRGIN.

Frigidly yours,
Lindsay Katai

::: posted by dan at 1:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments