planetdan

Saturday, March 12, 2005 :::

Jerk.

I was driving back from picking up lunch today, down a usually free-flowing one-way street in my neighborhood, and suddenly traffic bogged down to a crawl. All four lanes were backed-up, people were putting on their emergency lights, and I was getting frustrated because my fast food wasn't going to maintain its ideal temperature forever. I couldn't see far enough ahead to figure out what the hold-up was, so I started to bob and weave between cars, cutting off the slow-pokes, giving dirty looks, forcing myself in between lanes like a regular jackass. It wasn't until I had cut-off a good twenty cars when I finally got to the leader of the pack and realized it was a patrol car. At first I thought everybody was just being a pansy, afraid to pass a patrol car, but then I realized the copper had his lights flashing and was driving unusually slow. That's when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all the little flags on all the cars I had so rudely left in the dust. Turns out I had just cussed and weaved and fought my way up to the head of a funeral procession. Oops. Sometimes I'm a clueless moron.

::: posted by dan at 2:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

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8 previous comments:

It must be the Vicodin.

By

Kohn, at 2:55 PM

I once unknowingly turned off a side street into a funeral procession. I wondered why the idiots were going so slow and why no one was attempting to pass whoever was obstructing the traffic flow ahead. I changed lanes and sped up until I caught up with the obstruction -- a long, black hearse. The blood drained to my feet.

Thanks for letting me know that this kind of thing can happen to other, seemingly decent, people.

By

Anonymous, at 7:56 PM

Oh yeah. Been there, done that.

I just added it to my "list of stupid things I've done to date."

So far, I'm at about one million five hundred thousand and three.

Man...if I had a dime for every stupid thing.....

By

Colleen, at 8:18 PM

Oh man, funeral processions piss me off. "Oh look I died, now I better make sure none of the living get wherever the hell they're going on time!"

I told my husband if he tries that shit I'll come back to haunt him, saying "Step on it MF!!"

By

Deodand, at 10:25 AM

Oh my. Oh Dan.
Interrupting a funeral procession is one of the most despicable, fucked-up things a person can do, and I'm so glad you didn't do it intentionally and that you were remorseful when you figured out what you had busted into.
A funeral procession is one of the last vestiges of civility in our culture of hopped-up,speed-freak narcissists. When I am at the head of a procession (usually in the hearse with the funeral director and the corpse in the back -- GOOD times!), we always save our worst cuss words and special ancient curses for assholes who break the procession. I have asked the local cops if it would be illegal to shoot out the tires of such people, and no kidding, my Chief of Police (this is a small town) said, "Rev., you go right ahead. It's not legal, but it would bea great story and we're right with you."
So I'm seriously considering bringing a pistol with me to the next funeral. I'm actually a good shot and it would certainly make for a colorful local legend.
Anyway, not to rant overly much but I appreciate Dan for admitting his gaffe and for giving me a chance to say, "Yo,give the bereaved a BREAK, people, and have some focking respect."

http://www.peacebang.blogspot.com

By

PeaceBang, at 1:29 PM

(Pardon the language.)

By

PeaceBang, at 1:30 PM

Good lord, peacebang, settle down. I was a mortician for two years, so have been in more than my fair share of processions. I didn't like 'em then, and I don't like 'em now. During my grandmother's procession (not my idea, obviously), a car cut directly in front of the one I was in. Turned out to be the 80-some year old chief of Simplot company, none other than Jack Simplot himself. His license plate said "SPUDMAN."

By

danielo, at 11:06 AM

My mom did something like that once. It used to really tick her off when people ran red lights, so she was always prepared. Then one day, she was at an intersection and the light turned green...she pulled up and started honking at the car coming through the intersection on the opposite way. Then came another car...and another...and another...etc. I think the little purple flags tipped her off finally. I sunk pretty low in my seat to avoid being glared at by the other drivers...hehe

Don't think she did that again...

By

Monkey, at 2:39 AM

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