planetdan

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 :::

Really not cute.

My old apartment had a courtyard in back with pretty hedges and cherry blossoms. It also had a gang of fearless rabid squirrels that would swarm and charge anyone who dared try to cross it. The problem was that the entrance to the underground parking garage required an unavoidable trip across the courtyard and the maintenance crew had worked the army of squirrels into a frenzy by feeding them peanuts all summer long. One guy in particular would train the squirrels to jump up on his legs to retrieve the snack. Squirrels are stupid. They can't tell the difference between peanut-packing maintenance men and regular old folk like me who don't like it when sharp-clawed bushy-tailed rats run up their pant legs. By the end of summer you had to peek out the window and wait until the coast was clear and then make a dash for the garage door, or before you knew it five squirrels would be scaling your legs with more squirrels rapidly approaching from every direction. One of them even got as high as my lower back once before I shrieked like a woman and scared it off , all the while shouting "No peanuts! No peanuts here!"

Anyway, this lady tries real hard to make her squirrel seem cute and innocent. Putting it in a yuppie sweater and posing it like a high school senior picture, but you can't fool me. That thing would claw your eyes out for a peanut. Meet Sugar Bush, [via Presurfer]:

::: posted by dan at 11:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments

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24 previous comments:

Sugar Bush was "rescued" from a tree? I'm sorry, if you take a squirrel out of a tree for the purpose of moving it inside and posing it in clothing to make money off it, you're not "rescuing" it; you're abducting it.

Ugh. "Really not cute" is true on so many levels here. I will never buy a card with a squirrel on it again, just in case it's this one.

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Anonymous, at 5:12 AM

The squirrels will eventually leave you alone, if you backhand them enough times. (No slapping squirrels: Open palm=food)

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Erik, at 6:18 AM

I bet whoever owns that squirrel is a real, nut.

Hah.

Seriously, some of those pictures just seemed a little... offensive. I don't know why.

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Sean, at 6:44 AM

Sean-I think the pics seem offensive because there is a squirrel driving a tank. You think them running up your pant leg is freaky, just wait till they point a machine gun at you.

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katie, at 8:26 AM

Imagine being a soldier deployed in Afghanistan or Iraq, and receiving one of those masterpieces.

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ptw, at 8:38 AM

What I think is just too much is that apparently the kidnapped squirrel has been brainwashed into being a right wing conservative (yes I almost said "nutjob" but I caught myself).
Check out the Schiavo link and the "undercover" squirrel's attempt to get Bin Laden and all the other muck. Just wonderful.

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John, at 9:04 AM

I noticed the same thing. I mean, I was one minute away from joining Sugar Bush's Fan Club (for the 'personally pawtographed' shot of the world's #1 Supermodel Squirrel, of course) until I realized that ol' Sugar seemed to be surprisingly conservative. I mean, I cannot associate myself with bible-gripping Republican squirrels. No sir, that would just be silly. And I would venture to guess that Ms. Kelly Foxton was slipped some intense hallucinogenic drugs during one of those old USO shows. It's just a shot in the dark though...

Dan, what's up with you constantly getting chased by potentially rabid animals?

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Anonymous, at 11:42 AM

The reason dan gets chased by animals and birds is because he smells like beef and cheese. Really, he does. He tries hard to mask the smell with Axe body spray and Bath and Body Works lotions, but to no avail.

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brent, at 1:32 PM

PS I am in love with Kelly Foxton. GRRRR!
Who knew Sugar Bushes momma was so hot? My favorite picture? Why "Kelly Relaxes Between Cruises" of course.

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brent, at 1:47 PM

Seriously, that Kelly lady is creeping me out. She's like a Z-list celebrity. Apparently she is well-known in New Zealand. What a kook.

Poor Dan - always being chased by animals who just smell his fear. I would scream & flail if a squirrel ever ran up my leg...NIGHTMARE!!

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Kiddo78, at 2:12 PM

Holy crap! That story had my laughing till I cried.
Squirrels are horrid creatures. I always have at least two that try to attack me while I run in the morning. They freeze when I come near, then dart towrds me, then dart away and stare at me from a distance.
I change my route everyday for squirrel safety reasons.

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lynne, at 2:28 PM

You can actually purchase Sugar Bush pictures via the Photo Gallery. This is so funny I have tears streaming down my cheeks. I can't decide though... do I like the "Put Prayer Back in School" shot or the "Wedding Garter" one better??? Decisions, decisions...
Pleeeeease, someone get poor Kelly a doll to dress up. This is way beyond creepy.

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Anonymous, at 2:45 PM

This post is very funny but the best part, the part I can't get over the visual of Dan running and actually saying "no peanuts here, no peanuts here"
I would pay big money to see that re-enactment.

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Anonymous, at 4:30 PM

There are just so many things wrong with this. The one with the turban & machine gun? There's like 1,000 things wrong with that. And Ms. Kelly Foxton needs to lay off the cakey foundation.

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ab, at 5:01 PM

This person has WAAAAAAAAY too much free time.

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Elle, at 5:54 PM

Wow. I can't believe she's using a squirrel to illustrate the horror of the tsunami disaster. Isn't it just a little too soon to make light of that situation?

But I do think the pics where the squirrel has a cigar and where she is dealing blackjack are pretty sweet.
You go, you nasty little rodent!

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denverboy, at 6:20 PM

Okay - is that a SQUIRREL IN A SWEATER?? and is it leaning on a tiny chair? What a wacko.

Weren't you recently chased by dogs as well? The animals are out to get you.

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biglug, at 7:06 PM

Thank you, thank you. After a stressful day at work, the squirrel as Petra Nemcova was just what I needed. Laughed until I cried. I can't believe she hasn't posed the thing as "Sugar Schiavo" yet.

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Anonymous, at 8:16 PM

Wow! I just clicked through to see what kind of woman would dress up a squirrel. Who knew that Tammy Faye Baker had a twin sister.

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Ang, at 8:32 PM

Un-effing-believable. How is it that removing Terri Schiavo's feeding tube is a crime against God and country, but the deaths of 300,000 people are cute enough to be memorialized by a squirrel-up-a-tree diorama? Why not a photo of the squirrel shuffling into a "shower" in a miniature version of Dachau?

This woman belongs in an institution.

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S&J, at 11:23 AM

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S&J, at 11:26 AM

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S&J, at 11:28 AM

HEY....that sweater looks just like the one you wore for senior pictures...

How cute is a dressed up rodent...I just want to eat him up:)

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Stacy, at 3:40 PM

This person has entirely too much time on their hands, it's sad really.

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Jimmie, at 12:39 PM

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