planetdan

Monday, November 07, 2005 :::

Gutter Mind

My mom is the queen of the unintentional sexual entendre. I never call attention to it, though, in fear she won't understand and force me to explain, so I have to internalize the juvenile chuckling. I've started keeping a list. Here are a few of my favorites:

"I don't care what kind of action I'm getting, just as long as I'm getting some action."
This was in regards to the quality and voracity of her electronic toothbrush.

"With any luck, he'll rub off on you."
This one was funny because it had no context. It was a random non-sequitur. Yeah, keep your fingers crossed, ma. Dirty.

"Do you have a broom? Because I want to fill your cracks and holes."
I shouldn't mock her. She was simply offering to sweep sand in between some bricks to ensure the integrity of my patio.

It seems her awkward utterances are pretty constant. Or maybe I just got a gutter mind and can make anything seem dirty. I dunno. Of course, I'm guilty of the unintentional entendre myself. For instance, the other day I was craving one of K-Mack's famous hotdog-wrapped-in-a-Pillsbury-crescent-role conconctions, but she seemed reticent to bake them for me, so I became impatient and said "C'mon, just crack open that tube and stick a wiener in it."

Forget it. I guess my emotional development is stunted at the Junior High level.

::: posted by dan at 6:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

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14 previous comments:

Ahhh. So that's where I get it from.

That and the lovely sagging chin thing.

By

Colleen, at 6:27 PM

Does Uncle Ray's "you gotta ride'em where you find'em" count as a unintentional sexual double-entendre?

By

billthecatlives, at 5:14 AM

OK, true story (your Mom and I must be related somehow).

1983, Great Adventure, New Jersey

My boyfriend, Todd and another couple were lucky enough to have Todd's Mom take us to Great Adventure (of the Six Flags family). (The woman actually spent the entire day doing nothing while we kids had a blast.)

We, the two couples, if you can call us couples at that age, were playing a carnival type game. You know, the horses that "race" and to get them to move, you roll pool balls up a little ramp into holes with point values. The game wasn't going very well for my boyfriend. After a while, we reported back to "Mom."

In my excitement, I said, "Mrs. Blahblahblah, it was so funny! We were playing the horse racing game and Todd's balls kept getting stuck in the hole!"

Yeah, at 12, I had no idea what I had just said, but my boyfriend and his friend sure did. They laughed for hours over that one.

E.

By

Anonymous, at 7:41 AM

One morning I found Dan on the couch at our apartment eating a bowl of cereal, snuggled up with him was the sugar bowl. I watched him use the spoon he had been eating his breakfast with and scoop additional sugar onto his Captain Crunch, repeatedly.

On one of the first few dates with Kroggy I told him this story; it didn’t seem to bother him, so I exclaimed rather loudly while dining at a patio restaurant, “Well then, you can eat sugar out of my bowl any time!”

Dan’s gross.

By

Kristina, at 8:24 AM

Dan may be gross, but DAMN do we all love him.

By

Anonymous, at 8:28 AM

“Do you think it would be worth $1,500 for an extra eight inches?”

Kroggy to Cherry Nut and another co-worker while discussing price and television size. I understand there was some giggling after that comment.

By

Kristina, at 8:31 AM

Your mom sounds cute. Anyone who can make comments like that and not realize how funny it is just has to be cute in person.

My mom still says "sugar" instead of shit and calls people fothermuckers sometimes.

By

Biglug, at 8:37 AM

I wasn't putting sugar on on Captain Crunch. I was putting it on Life. Jeesh.

Saying "sugar" instead of "shit" sounds so southern belle. It's cute.

By

dan, at 9:41 AM

Nice to know there are others of us terminally stuck in Jr. High School...

By

Spider, at 12:07 PM

My mom told me once that my grandma "now had AIDS." I replied, "WHAT!?!" My mom said, "YES! Your Grandmother got hearing aids last week."

By

molly, at 6:19 PM

My gramma's got aids, too.

By

dan, at 12:33 AM

Here's my shameful moment.

At the pediatricians office I was commenting on how my son was putting virtually everything that he could find into his mouth. And then, obviosuly without thinking AT ALL I said "yeah, he even tries to stick balls in there, but they won't fit". My husband almost fainted.

By

Elle Marie, at 3:46 PM

I've had this happen to me before and it's quite funny because I am usually the first one that will try to make something really dirty in a conversation.

This time it was unintentional and the two of us laughed for a good 20 minutes.

I am at the bar and the bartender hands me a $5 bill asking me to play some good 80's music. So I amble over to the jukebox and relentlessly try to put the $5 bill through the $ machine.

I felt like I was in a Pepsi commercial for a minute. It turns out the $5 bill was slightly damp and it kept rejecting it.
In order to avoid looking like a complete jack ass I quit trying after the 4th time.

I walked behind the bar and asked the barback to change the $5 bill for a new one because... "This one is limp and I can't get it in"

His reply was.... LOL....
"It usually works better when it's stiff, I agree"

By

rrr151, at 10:10 AM

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