planetdan

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 :::

Foot in Mouth Disease

I'm trying to filter everything I say before I say it in 2006. And my earnest attempt at professionalism seems to be paying off. Let me give you an example.

Old dan:
A few years back I took a vacation to Hawaii with some friends. One lively night in the hotel bar we met a couple from California who engaged us in some drunken rambling conversation, spurred on by our common love of Prince music and popular movies. After we got the lounge singer lady to belt-out a pitiful chorus of "Little Red Corvette", the guy politely leaned over to me and asked, "Have you ever seen a movie called 'Free Enterprise' with William Shatner?" I instantly went on a lame drunken tirade that probably sounded something like this:

"William Shatner? Ugh, no way. I'm not watching any movie that stars William Shatner, for chrissakes. That guy is an obnoxious has-been. His acting is a craptastic mess of affected mannerisms and stilted speech. I'd poop in my own mouth before I'd watch that rubbish."*

"Oh," He replied, "I wrote and directed it."

Oopsie.

*That last line was slightly embellished. I can't recall what I actually said, and it probably didn't involve pooping into my own mouth, but it was definitely crass, inarticulate, and violently anti-Shatner.

New dan:
I went out with a friend last week, and he ran into an old classmate who joined us for a drink. While they reminisced about high school, their old cars, and other boring subjects, my mind wandered and I noticed this older-looking lady making her way around the bar. She was pretty much moving from table to table, barstool to barstool, making conversation with any man that dared to inadvertently meet her gaze. From the looks of it she wasn't having any success, but not for lack of trying hard. Then she got up and started walking toward our table. I very nearly said something like:

"Look out, guys, this old gal has been throwing herself at every guy in the bar and it looks like it's our turn."

But I bit my tongue. I didn't want to judge that thumbed-through book by its cover. Perhaps she was just really friendly. Friendliness doesn't imply promiscuity, after all. And it's a good thing I kept my mouth shut, because my friend's old classmate turned to the lady as she approached and said:

"Hi, mom."

Phew. Inner-filter activated. Crisis averted.

::: posted by dan at 7:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

11 previous comments:

There is no bigger relief than coming thiiiiiiiiis close to social disaster, but then coming through with the save. It is important to occasionally listen to the tiny voice inside that says "You know, today I am NOT going to make fun of that total stranger for no good reason." I have had several experiences like the one you just described. *shiver* Too close, WAY too close for comfort.
Well done avoiding calling your new friend's mom a skank, Dan.

By

Kate, at 9:12 PM

years ago i had just started working at a video store and my coworkers who i didnt really know (and who didnt really know me) started making fun of this guy outside. "ohhh robin theres your new boyfriend" "ewww gross "squealed robin. they went on like this egging eachother on as the man approached the store. "ohhh hes coming into the store, hes gonna rent a porno and stroke it thinking of you robin" hahahah

then the man came in the store and I said "hi dad, perfect timing my shift has just finished" Then i just left not making eye contact. I had no problem with their jokes but I thought it would be funner if they thought I did. They felt sooo bad! I thought it was sooo funny. One of them had to actually apologize to me all awkwardly. joy

By

george86, at 9:36 PM

'Free Enterprise' was on TV a few months ago and as much as I tried to sit through it, I just couldn't. It was just a bad movie. So, don't feel too bad about what you'd said.

By

Rusty, at 4:18 AM

omg... just last night i got caught with this. I work drive through at a bank and this hoebag who brings 15 screwed up deposits everyday came like 5 minutes before we closed and we were slammed. While my co-worker was still conected with her on the intercom I go "oh gawd, its the m.u.d. lady." She had to have heard me...

At least I censored myself that much, usually we get pretty profane. I did call her a lady... that's a compliment. I'm getting fired aren't i?

By

the other sarah, at 9:27 AM

So neither one of you "friends" read this blog and will report back to the mom? That's good, cause the post isn't nice at all. New Dan just posts mean things on his blog instead of saying them? You might as well have just said it.

By

Anonymous, at 1:49 PM

Wow Dan! You need to teach me how to activate my inner filter. Can't tell you the totally wrong things that have come out of my mouth in the last 2 weeks.

Like this comment.

By

Colleen, at 7:53 PM

you should of tried to hit on her, now that would have been funny

By

Anonymous, at 8:34 PM

Aww how can you be so "anti-Shatner"? He's a great cameo.

By

Googamoogoo, at 12:24 AM

Kudos on the filter activation.

By

Monkey, at 2:47 PM

Did you notice IMDB lists Free Enterprise 2 in preproduction? Starring Eric McCormack as Mark and William Shatner as himself.

By

Nick, at 10:22 AM

Free Enterprise is actually pretty cool damn movie. Shatner plays himself. I can't really describe it without giving it away.

How can you deny the awesomeness that is Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. Flipping great movie.

By

Chuckles, at 1:02 PM

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