planetdan

Friday, August 04, 2006 :::

Heatwave

When life gives you effin' hot lemons...
...make cookies on your dashboard.

[the full story]

I remember one summer break, decades ago, when I was still young enough to be retarded but old enough to get bright ideas on my own, I saw a news reporter state that it was hot enough outside to fry an egg on asphalt. So I took an egg from the fridge and brought it out into the blistering sun. I cracked the egg onto our concrete driveway and waited, but nothing happened. It just sat there all liquid egg-like. So then I decided that the black-top parking lot out behind the house was probably hotter and had a surface more akin to a frying pan, so I scooped up the yolk (now with added dirt and egg-drowned ants) with my mama's spatula and carefully took it out back, where I skillfully poured it onto the black-top.

I stood looking down at that dirty egg holding my mama's spatula for ten minutes, just waiting patiently for something to happen, when I looked up and saw our crusty old neighbor staring at me from his backyard, which also bordered the parking lot. He was a mean ol' bastard and had it in for me. He had this face whenever he saw me coming:

Only his head was more square. Anyway, that exact moment an adversarial neighborhood kid screeched up on his dirtbike. He was at least one whole year younger than me, but still somehow had the chutzpah to play the role of neighborhood bully. "Making dinner?" he said and laughed and sped off. It was a sophisticated joke for a nine year old, so admittedly I was feeling a little burned. I looked up at my neighbor for some sympathy, but all he said was, "You better clean that mess up." I went in the house and came out with some paper towels to wipe up the still-liquid egg/ant mixture, but my crusty old neighbor wasn't satisfied. The dude actually made me go get a bucket of water and mop that shit up. The thing wasn't even partially cooked. It was just a sloppy raw egg mixture on a bed of dirt and dead bugs. Stupid news reporter. Stupid ants. Stupid neighborhood bully. Stupid crusty neighbor guy. *sniff*

::: posted by dan at 4:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

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By

BigDubb, at 6:06 PM

holy crap, am i the first to post... Never been that lucky.

I too once tried frying an egg on the sidewalk much to the same success as you. Only at a later date did I learn that the ambient air temperature has as much effect on the temperature of surface areas outside as the sunlight. The air can't get that hot so the asphalt cant get that hot so the egg cant get hat hot. Get it?

By

Wittyguy, at 6:06 PM

i like that news story better than when people let their babies cook in their car... idiots... we actually have billboards in Texas reminding people to look for their kids when they get out of the car. Seriously...

By

the other sarah, at 7:35 PM

we used to nuke the ants with a magnifying glass not drown them in egg

By

Anonymous, at 8:40 PM

This is such a sad story! Poor little Dan...

By

Anonymous, at 9:38 PM

Your crusty neighbor guy looks to be severely constipated.

Maybe that's why he was so crusty?

By

dana michelle, at 10:36 PM

On behalf of news reporters everywhere, I apologize. We're often ignorant of the power our words carry.

By

M, at 2:41 PM

Dearest Dan-

I am so glad to find that there are others out there who were nerdy little kids cooking food products on hot surfaces. I also attempted once to cook an egg on asphalt... it worked a little, there was definitely some change in the coloration of the egg white (thank you, Texas heat). However, I felt so let down by the whole lack-of-proper-frying process that I have never shared this story with another. Thank you for inspiring my coming-out.

By

mitsi, at 8:04 PM

what an ass of a neighbor.
I remember that summer here, I did the same thing with the egg cooking.
It "kinda worked". Then we tried to get my friends little sister to eat it for a dollar. I got in trouble for that one.

By

Shumpy, at 8:21 PM

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... nothin better than chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven/car

By

Richard, at 7:24 AM

good post, Dan. I mean, it wasn't "Beaver," or anything, but still... good post.

By

toddbee, at 9:29 AM

...and this was the event that led you to question the accuracy of the news. Good stuff!

By

jali, at 12:32 PM

dan - you definitely lived an interesting childhood.

give us more!

By

danfan, at 4:01 PM

Wow. What a great way to conserve energy and bake up a yummy batch of cookies for your friends and coworkers, without heating up your house by turning on the oven on a hot day. Inspired genius. Rock on, Betty Crocker.

By

lola, at 11:52 AM

I think it’s funny that last Thursday I was so happy to see this post. So excited to see that lady baking her cookies on the dash board of her car, and now I hate her. I’m mad that she is still there on top with her stupid salmonella cookie trays. I’m angry that when I hit refresh…she just keeps being there. She won’t go away!

I think we’re all ready for a new post Mr. PlanetDan.

By

Kristina, at 4:14 PM

When I saw the photo for this post I got all excited because I remembered a story on "Real People" when I was a kid about a bunch of dudes in Tawakanee, Indiana or somewhere who would cook their dinners in their car engines. They'd wrap up their corn on the cob and maybe a nice flat iron steak, then drive around town for a while with it stuck over their carbanoid thrust inverter (widely known as the hottest part of the engine), then whooo! Dinner!

But it was only a story about a stupid egg that didn't fry.

Sigh.

By

Miss A, at 10:29 PM

When we were little on those "egg/fry/sidewalk" days, we'd take our broken crayons and stick them into the grooves of the oak tree in the front of the house and wait for them to get squishy. Lords knows why, and I don't recall anything after the "touch test" to confirm their squishy rating. I imagine most of them are still in there. Someday anthropologists will be wondering about the indigenous culture that first spawned Crayon Solar Markings. (And I have no idea how i ended up on your site but it's cool.)

By

Mars that rebel artist, at 12:13 PM

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