planetdan

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 :::

Public Service Announcement

For the benefit of the gym-going public: a service announcement targeted at some people who seem to have allowed their public behavior and social standards to get a little lax lately. I'm here to help.

Things you should NOT do at the gym, ever:

1. Hork a loogey in the public shower. Maybe you thought it was okay since you were alone in there, but guess what, everyone else outside the showers in the locker room can hear that awful throaty extended nasal inhale followed by the even more disturbing "hoooorrrrcchhh" noise you make to transfer your nasal bounty into your mouth in preparation of its release. We know you're not swallowing it. Even in flipflops, I don't wanna be walking around in that stuff. Similarly, don't leave your blood-stained band-aids floating in the soap holder, either.

2. Those nasty pelvic thrust exercises. You know the ones, where you lie with your arms, shoulders, and back flat on the ground with your knees up and your feet firmly planted and then you thrust your crotch upwards. You're probably in stretch pants, and you're probably grunt-counting with each and every violent thrust of your pelvis, and I'm sure it's doing wonders for your abs, but honestly: no thanks.

3. Bring your disease to the gym. Maybe you think you can exercise that head cold away, but I can see the snot running down your chin, and I can hear your chunky, labored breathing. I also saw you wipe your nose with your bare hand and then grab the handle to the elliptical machine nice and tight. I still maintain that I contracted mono from a mislaid water bottle that I mistook as my own. I vividly recall leaving the gym and gulping the last of my water only to remember that I didn't bring a bottle of water to the gym that day. I blame you for my three weeks of sickness.

4. Shave anything but your face in the locker room. And remember that it is indeed possible to wear your pants and shave your face at the same time. Full nudity isn't required for a clean close shave. Similarly, the air blast hand-dryers aren't meant to dry off your entire body, especially if it means you're going to rustle your hands all over your pubic region to help speed the drying process.

5. Stand on the bench while you change your clothes. I know that some of the lockers are higher to reach than others, or maybe you just don't want your bare feet on that nasty bacteria-covered floor, which is understandable, but the cleanliness of those benches isn't any better, and frankly I just don't need your junk at my eye level.

Also, don't wear sunglasses in the locker room: we know what you're looking at. Don't forget to brush your teeth before coming to the gym: your sour-milk breath is only exacerbated by your heaving and panting. And, trim... everything. In the privacy of your own home.

And that's one to grow on, because knowing is half the battle.

::: posted by dan at 11:40 AM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

16 previous comments:

I will never, ever belong to a gym. Nasty.

By

june, at 1:27 PM

Gah. Your gym adventures/observations are beyond disgusting. Do you honestly still feel comfortable even going there? Mono?! Bloody band-aids in the shower?!
Yech.

By

Elle Marie, at 1:48 PM

So are these rules stemming from personal experience?

I'm especially intrigued/disgusted by the manscaping comment. What exactly did you see?

By

Anonymous, at 2:05 PM

GI Joe rules!!!

GI Joe Public Service Announcements.

By

Anonymous, at 2:33 PM

What the hell kind of gym do you belong to? Time to call Chuch Norris for the home gym!

By

Anonymous, at 2:54 PM

Ahh Dan...do not foray into the women's locker room, EVER! They too, have the whole 'I can't dry my hair with clothes on' problem.

You have solidified my decision never to join another gym. Thank you.

By

ntrudr, at 3:42 PM

Is "trim everything" the rule?

Or is the rule that if someone is into that sort of thing, they should do it at home?

I need to know if I'm offensive... by crackie.

By

carl, at 4:17 PM

Sounds like you need a home gym - i´ve been using soloflex for years and years now and am so glad i don´t have to shower elsewhere afterwards...

By

Richard, at 4:52 PM

I like your use of the word "rustle" in #4. There is not another word in the English language that could communicate that image as perfectly. Word choice like that is what keeps me coming back time and time again.

By

PrincessMax, at 10:27 PM

I've also had it with people who leave a sweat trail across the benches like giant, under-deodorized slugs, the freakshows who go to the spinning classes in full spandex who haven't noticed that the bike is bolted to the floor and that real cycling isn't accompanied by Journey songs and a ceiling fan, and the women who cruise around the locker room naked whose ungroomed personal areas make them look like Sascrotch. But that's just me.

By

J-Money, at 9:34 AM

okay...on while someone's brought up the topic of women's change rooms...

Mothers, don't give me that nasty look because I am changing in front of my locker - and in front your 8yr old son that you chose to take in to the change room. It's a locker room. People change in them. Yes, that means they must take clothes off and be, for that short transitional phase, NAKED until the clean clothes are put on. That's why they call them change rooms...C-H-A-N-G-E rooms!

By

Anonymous, at 10:12 AM

I’m getting grossed out just reading these rules. Remember Dan most of us read your blog during lunch.

By

Yolel, at 11:07 AM

These are all indeed experiences I've had at my gym within the last two weeks. And I don't think any of them are rare occurences in the world of health clubs.

By

dan, at 2:50 PM

ironic that this PSA comes from the king of the gym faux pas...lying about the speed of the treadmill, bungling the high five, struggling to untie the knot in his gym shorts while hopping, knock-kneed, in his tightie whities. these rules of the gym are not diminished by this irony, but only take on a greater validity coming from such a king. such faux pas are only hilarious and not grody as are the listed violations.

that said, we still want pictures...maybe one of the man rustling his genetalia under the hot air dryer & not one of the man wiping his snotty hand on the elliptical.

By

Michelle, at 5:14 PM

That's interesting that you said "hork a loogie." I always say it "hock" or "hawk."

This is why I just drive home and shower there. I'm never sweaty enough that I can't sit in my car. Haven't stunk it up yet.

By

Zoe, at 7:38 PM

I just joined a gym about three weeks ago and I have yet to expirience anything as disturbing as you've posted here. Maybe it's just the guys that are so disgusting? I'm sure women are gross too, they just tend to be sure no one is watching them ...

By

Doll, at 3:07 PM

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