planetdan

Friday, July 27, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

I should just rename it Face-plant Friday, considering the typical content and my fondness for alliteration:

Faceplant Friday Foolish Flippery

And here is a lovely little bonus animated GIF, which somehow manages to be both suitable for work and not suitable for work at the same time:

I'm at a loss for what to title this.

::: posted by dan at 9:06 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Thursday, July 26, 2007 :::

Will the real Jon Stewart please stand up?

Only one of the men pictured below is actually Jon Stewart. One is a Jon Stewart impersonator, and the other one is actually me, if you can believe it! Can you guess which is which?

Obviously I'm joking, but to start from the beginning: I was looking through some old photographs the other day and I came across the above picture of myself and I thought "Holy crap I kinda look like Jon Stewart when I make that face!" which I realize sounds annoyingly arrogant. Believe me, it always makes me roll my eyes in a who-do-you-think-you-are kind of way when I hear a girl utter something like, "People say I look like Meg Ryan." Mmm-hmm. Sure they do. Maybe Meg Ryan looking in a funhouse mirror.

So I looked online to find a picture of Mr. Stewart to compare and contrast our ugly mugs when I came across the other photo posted above, which is a picture of an actual Jon Stewart impersonator who works in the New York City area, and who doesn't look one iota like Jon Stewart. So I came to the conclusion that if that guy thinks he looks like Jon Stewart when he so clearly does not, then I probably don't either.

Not that I want to look like Jon Stewart, mind you, but it would be a major improvement from the comparisons to Willem Dafoe and Chris Kattan that I usually get.

:(

::: posted by dan at 10:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

The legend is true.

::: posted by dan at 10:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 :::

Speed Bumps

I'm constantly amazed that there seems to be a market for absolutely everything:

Just in case you were looking for a little love and tenderNASCAR.

I can't understand why NASCAR has a fan base to begin with, especially when you take into consideration how insufferably boring it is, so I really can't believe there is actually a market for NASCAR harliquin romance novels, yet there they were on the shelf at the book store when I just happened to be shopping for J-Ball's birthday present...

I chose Speed Bumps for J-Balls because I liked the feminist approach of the catchphrase on its cover: "She was born to race... deal with it!" She was surprised to realize that it was indeed written for adult women, and not thirteen-year-old tomboys who are too butch for Sweet Valley High. I'm wondering if anyone has ever purchased a NASCAR romance title with the sincere intention of reading it, or if they were all just gag gifts.

Speaking of gag, this might be the worst book title ever, even in the world of romance novels:

And while we're still on the subject of romance novels, notice anything wrong with this cover?

Subtitled: Prince Valiant Porks the Three-Armed Circus Freak

::: posted by dan at 5:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Friday, July 20, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

The Crime and Punishment Edition of Animated Friday:

Robbery Tip #1: Practice Makes Perfect

Robbery Tip #2: Choose Your Targets Wisely

::: posted by dan at 8:46 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Thursday, July 19, 2007 :::

Bad Ideas in Body Modifcation Volume 1

There are entire websites dedicated to showcasing bad tattoos, but I just want to go on record and state that incorporating your body hair into your tattoo concept is probably considered by most people to be a MAJOR turn off:

The second image wins by a nose because of the classy addition of the bruise, but both turn my stomach equally. On the other hand, this tattoo is something I could really get behind:

And while we're on the subject of tattoos:

::: posted by dan at 10:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Monday, July 16, 2007 :::

The Sporting Life

The Greasy Cooters ended their seventh kickball season this weekend. I think we lost the game and ended up in third place or something like that, but don't ask me, I was too busy kicking ass and taking names:

I followed up kickball with a Twins game and then some midnight lawn-bowling, a sport in which I've clearly got game. In fact, I'm a barefooted, blurry-armed, beer-holding, rooftop lawn-bowling master:

My good fella T-bone was always in attendance, of course, but he's not as sportsmanly as I am. He was too busy wooing the ladies with personalized ass tattoos. It's all just a part of that alluring T-bone charm:

No wonder the ladies swoon! I don't want to know how the paint got smudged and smeary, but I think the makeshift solar flares are a particularly nice effect.

::: posted by dan at 10:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

The price of grass stains.

Are you kidding me?

I like to think that no one would be stupid enough to pay four hundred dollars for grass stains, but then I remember Shane, that jackass kid from The Real Wives of Orange County, who probably has a closet full of 'em. (If you don't know who I am talking about, then you obviously haven't been fully absorbed into the Bravo reality-TV vortex yet; but don't worry, it will get you soon enough, its gravity is inescapable).

I wonder how much you have to pay a sweatshop worker in China to rub grass on denim.

::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Friday, July 13, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Somebody's jealous:

Ambushed!

Bonus Animated Gif:

Best Lame Joke Ever.

::: posted by dan at 12:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Thursday, July 12, 2007 :::

My Tragic Childhood

Every time I find a new stack of forgotten photographs in a box or a hidden envelope, my self-esteem takes a hit. Let's zoom around in time, shall we?

1987:
It would be another twenty years before The White Stripes would make this look cool. I can't pull this look off now, and I couldn't pull it off then. To make matters worse, I'm fairly certain that the red shirt was a hand-me-down... from my sister.

1990:
Either the shirt was way too long or the shorts were way too short. Or both. Sadly, the naked-from-the-waste-down look never caught on. Who wears short shorts? Dan wears short shorts. And black ankle socks with white tennis shoes. And a mullet. And in public.

1984:
I've posted this picture before, but I'd just like to point out the tight black T-shirt with the rolled-up sleeves tucked snugly into the belted black jeans. Never mind that the shirt says "Truckin'" in a sparkly silver font face. Do I see pleats?

1988:
I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that you can see my nipples and ribcage through my thin white pocket-T, or that my huge head is actually wider than my torso.

1985:
Sleeveless mesh and blow-dried hair. :(

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. For an entire year I actually had to wear a silver cap on a front tooth as some experimental technique to straighten out my choppers. It was very bling. I'd like to think that I outgrew that decade-long ugly phase, but I'm sure ten years from now I'll probably think differently.

::: posted by dan at 12:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Tuesday, July 10, 2007 :::

Problem solved!

Now that's clever thinking:

But I don't know what's more embarrassing: Having a white crack or having to stick a spool between your cheeks to avoid having a white crack. No wait, it's definitely the spool one.

::: posted by dan at 12:25 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Friday, July 06, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

There's nothing like a good face plant to end your week right:

Jesus, take the wheel...

::: posted by dan at 11:44 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Thursday, July 05, 2007 :::

I am a large breasted sea captain.

You know you've gotten too lazy when you let the Mad Libs do the work for you, but it's way better than playing with some boring prude who chooses "ran" when asked for a Past Tense Verb, or "happy" when in need of an Adjective. So therefore, this link is the most fun I've had not mad-libbing in a long time:

You Are A... Who Likes To...

Be careful, though: the accompanying music is loud (yet catchy) and the words it conjures up are salacious (to say the least). Which is the only real way to play Mad Libs: as filthy as possible.

After doing it a thousand times, I began to have even more fun visualizing the results, like this:

See, my mind isn't as deep in the gutter as you might like to think.

::: posted by dan at 11:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Second Place

Hooray! Gramma won second place in the cake baking contest!

Too bad she was the only person who entered...

In your face, granny! First place is too good for you!

I think that might be the best schadenfreude story I will read all year. I admit I initially laughed out loud when I read it. But then I suddenly had a tragic Flashback to my eighth grade graduation ceremony, when Marsha Kramer was presented with the "Artistic" Award after I had spent the last eight years drawing praiseworthy posters to hang on the office door of the nuncipal (that's the new word I just made up for a nun school principal). I even remember the awkward eye contact I received from the nuncipal at the precise moment she was handing the "Artistic" Award to Marsha, amidst thunderous applause. You could see in her eyes that she knew it was a punch to my gut. The only award I got that day was for participating in Great Books. If it were acceptable to call a nun a bitch, I might consider it, but even typing this sentence has given me the catholic guilt shivers. So instead, I will transfer the blame to Marsha Kramer.

::: posted by dan at 8:51 AM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments