planetdan

Thursday, September 04, 2008 :::

Creepiness in Perpetuity: My Gift to the Community

A few months ago, a seemingly nice Mexican family moved in next door. Trying to be neighborly, I made several half-assed attempts to wave and smile whenever I encountered them outside, but I had gotten very little response. They always just looked back confused, as if wondering to themselves, "Why is that guy I don't know always smiling and waving at me and my kids? He's kinda creepy."

A breakthrough occurred last week when I was mowing my lawn. I looked up to see the woman of the family running toward me, waving her arms, wild-eyed and panicked. Over the roar of my mower's engine I could hear her shouting "Meester! Meester!"

She looked so desperate that my initial thought was "Oh shit, did I mow over her cat or something?" But that seemed like something I would have noticed. So my second thought was that something terrible must have happened and she needed help, like her baby wasn't waking up, or someone had accidentally chopped off a finger. And just so you know, I am not a good person to turn to in times of crisis. I mostly just freeze up.

So I apprehensively turned off my lawnmower, and once the noise of the engine subsided the woman finally stopped waving her arms. That's when she looked me square in the face with all the seriousness of a sledgehammer and asked, "Meester... do you know how to tie a tie?"

I was sweaty with dirt and stinking of gasoline, but I spent the next 15 minutes face to face with her husband, who not only did not know how to tie a tie but had clearly never worn one before either, because I had to do everything for him, from buttoning-up his shirt to adjusting the back of his collar.

And when I say face to face, I mean facetoface. Like newlyweds in the morning, I literally stood so close in front of him while adjusting his neckwear that my sweaty forehead bumped into his chin at one point. He just kept his eyes closed tight and grimaced uncomfortably, like it was a rectal exam he just needed to suffer through or something.

When all was said and done, the tie ended up being a little too long (almost reaching his crotch), but I wasn't about to go through that awkward experience twice, so I just said "There, all done!" He looked in the mirror and studied my handiwork while his wife clapped in gratitude. "You saved! You saved!" she said. I went back to my yardwork, proud to have lent a helping hand.

Now when I wave at the woman outside, she waves back enthusiastically, but the man seems more scared than ever to make eye contact. In fact I swear I saw him run back inside his house the other day after he walked outside to find me checking my mailbox.

He'll probably never attend another formal event again out of fear he might find himself face to face with the creepy tie-master again. Oh well. At least I know I did my part for the community!

::: posted by dan at 8:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

13 previous comments:

Dan you tie tying homo, probably helped his cock bench press 350 you sure weren't going to help his wife's axe wound.

By

Anonymous, at 11:42 AM

Sorry, I'm not really following you. But I'm sure whatever you're trying to say is super funny.

By

dan, at 12:14 PM

Wow - ew @ anonymous.

I'm surprised you tied the tie facing him. You could have reached around him and helped him learn how to tie the tie so he could be self-sufficient when preparing for future formal affairs.

No?

(Also: my blog - little voice - has moved to here: http://robertian.wordpress.com/)

By

Bob, at 3:51 PM

Dan, hey there! Are these the neighbors that moved into our old house? How are you doing?

Stefanie

By

Stefanie, at 4:01 PM

Dan, hey there! Are these the neighbors that moved into our old house? How are you doing?

Stefanie

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Stefanie, at 4:01 PM

tie tying tip #1.

next time you tie a tie for a guy, don't stand so close in front of him you'd have to back up to kiss him and don't stand behind him (unless you REALLY like him), just take the tie, put it on yourself, tie it, loosen it and hand it back.

even in this case where you were very sweaty and smelly it would be better if you gave him a slightly sweaty smelly tie than, well, a very sweaty smelly you!

By

bamboozlde, at 4:29 PM

A friend of my mom's helped a coworker tie a tie using the stand behind and reach around technique. Apparently his belt buckle rubbed into the guy, who thought it was an erection. The guy reported him to their boss for unwanted sexual advances.

My mom's friend, who was straight, was so humiliated he quit rather than fight the charge.

By

Erik, at 6:17 PM

Faith in humanity restored.

Thanks Dan!

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darthmojado, at 3:00 PM

I too feel this weird sense of “have to be friendly!!!” to new neighbors. Some appreciate it, some do not I suppose. That was really nice of you to help out. He’s probably embarrassed he didn’t know how to tie it himself.

~Ginger

By

Anonymous, at 2:17 PM

Oh man, this reminds me of my Phillipino neighbors when we lived in Portland, Oregon.

Three stories.

When the single 50-something mother, Dolly, and her 20-year old son, Charles, spent 2 weeks in the Phillipines, they asked if I would mow their lawn. I did. When they came back, she brought over a bamboo mail holder and said she brought it "all the way back from the Phillipines." Wow, I said, and turned it around to admire it. Written on the back was "To Uncle Nick, love Charles. 1991." Dolly saw it too and panicked. She grabbed it from my hands and ran back to her house, never to mention it again.

Story 2: Dolly bought her son a stick shift car. Charles didn't know how to drive it, so laid in wait for me to get home. I had never done more than wave hello to him, but he asked me if I could teach him to drive a stick shift. I did. The next week I saw the car totaled in the driveway.

Story 3: One late night, we heard a frantic banging on our door. I answered it and Dolly started pulling my hand towards her house. I asked what was wrong, and she just shouted, "Come! Come!" I stepped foot for the first time into their knick-knack filled, hot house, and saw her older brother, who was recovering from a surgery at Dolly's house, spread out on the floor. He had fallen out of his chair and Dolly couldn't lift him. I lifted him up from under his arms and put him back in the chair - but not before he bandage and sweat rubbed against my arms. Ick.

By

Rob, at 8:08 AM

Rob, that stick shift car story made my day. Thank you for that. LOL

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Noelle, at 8:27 AM

Oh, I don't know Noelle, I think the basket story was even better.

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dan, at 8:58 AM

Oh yes Dan, that basket story is a classic. But as a person who recently learned how to drive a stick shift on the hills of Pittsburgh, I can relate.

By

Noelle, at 3:03 PM

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