planetdan

Thursday, September 18, 2008 :::

My Nightmare, Actualized

My dad called me "chunky" the other day. It turned out to be a bigger motivator than I would have thought, because it actually got me to go back to the gym. Not that I'm grateful he said it or anything, but it's an impressive feat because it cannot be overstated how much I hate the gym.

In the past year I've used my gym membership maybe four times, and in my extended absence my balance and dexterity haven't exactly improved. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at what happened. And what happened was awful. Today was the day my worst gym nightmare came true.

I was doing some sort of chest press exercise on a weight machine when I noticed a man hovering to the side of me. He was clearly waiting for his turn to blast his pecs, and he didn't look none too patient about it. I anxiously finished my set and stood up to wipe down the machine, but I could feel the man's eyes boring into the back of my skull and I got nervous and distracted, so when I turned to leave I forgot that I was still straddling part of the machine. My body lurched and I went down hard, like a sack of potatoes.

There are two things you need to know in order to accurately picture how awful this was: 1) I'm an excessive sweater, so after having previously spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine my shirt was fully saturated with nary a dry spot, and 2) The flooring in my gym is this black foam rubber material that might be easy to clean but isn't exactly forgiving. So when my body hit the floor it made a loud, wet smacking sound, almost akin to the smack you might hear the moment a "chunky" bellyflopper hits the surface of the water.

With my cheek flat to the ground, I heard the hovering man say "Aw, man, you alright?" But I had to keep my cool so I quickly stood up and shook it off with a forcedly casual "Oh yeah, man, I'm fine." Then he cryptically said "you left a mark," which I immediately interpreted as meaning I had injured myself. I quickly scanned my legs for blood or bruises but everything seemed to be in order. That's when I noticed he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at the floor. When I followed his gaze and looked down, I saw this:

I didn't wait around to see how long it took to evaporate. I think I'm permanently done with the gym.

::: posted by dan at 8:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Comments are Closed On this Post

15 previous comments:

You stood around long enough to take a picture? You had your camera with you? At the gym?

Cheer up Dan. There are plenty of other ways to get fit. With gas prices the way they are, you could get on your bicycle. You do have one, don't you?

By

Anonymous, at 9:50 PM

Horrifying!

I hate those guys that lurch around you as you use a piece of equipment, waiting... Especially when there are four machines that accomplish the same task.

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Bob, at 6:47 AM

That's not a picture, that's just a crappy graphic I mocked up as a representation, but I'm happy that my photoshopping skillz are so convincing.

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dan, at 8:21 AM

Dan, you seriously make me laugh out loud. And of course I'm laughing *with* you, not *at* you.

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Anonymous, at 8:22 AM

i think i just peed a little bit... (of course - laughing with you - not at you).

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Anonymous, at 1:21 PM

yeah, IF i work out, it's completely alone.

example: I love tennis, and a very attractive fun guy have offered to play with me numerous times. I will NOT let him see me make an ass of myself.

Not that you made an ass of yourself, but know that someone understands that you can't help these things happening.

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sarah, at 4:09 PM

It kinda looks like when you make a baby's foot on a condensation-coated window with the side of your fist. Just a really big and sweaty baby's foot, tho.

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Dara, at 7:23 PM

Could you label the mock-up? The hand is the only part I'm really clear on.
p.s. I hope your left arm is O.K..

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AMR, at 9:26 PM

seriously, i had a couple of similar experiences at the gym. that's why i ended up investing in an exercise bike and three hundred dollars worth of free weights, all of which reside in the spare bedroom/office in my house. i have no problem with embarrassing myself in the comfort of my own home ;-)

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john, at 10:54 PM

Aw Dan! You poor thing. I would cancel my membership on the way out for sure. I'd be too embarassed to ever go back!

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Anonymous, at 2:28 AM

I'll give you a hint: you could see my cheek and nose print and a little hair on top. The rest was mostly shoulder and side of torso I think.

My left arm was the one flailing to find support on the way down, so it never made it to the floor to block my fall.

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dan, at 9:12 AM

THIS is why I stalk your blog. THAT is the funniest shit I've ever seen, and that you've ever posted. I don't know you, yet, I wasn't surprise...but impressed.

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Anonymous, at 10:55 PM

Ouch! but that post really made me laugh! Poor dan! :(

Kylee

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Anonymous, at 11:46 AM

See Dan...THIS is why we love you so much. Your humility and unabashedness at sharing these stories with us. My stomach physically hurts...I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Not at you, with you. This too, is why I don't do public gyms!

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Trudy, at 7:55 PM

LOLerskates!!! That is too funny...

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Anonymous, at 4:30 PM

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