planetdan

Monday, January 19, 2009 :::

The Perils of Winter

For some reason I've chosen a dentist in downtown Minneapolis in spite of the fact that it takes twenty minutes and ten bucks to park there. I think I just like being downtown with all the other working class suits for an hour every six months.

To get to the actual dentist's office, I have to park in an hourly ramp, take an elevator to the street level, cross at a light, enter another building, and then navigate the skyway system until I finally locate the right escalator.

It's winter, obviously, but crossing the street at the light is the only portion of the twenty minute journey that requires a coat, so I didn't even bother to zip it up. Which is what all the cool Minnesotan kids do anyway.

As I waited to cross at the light, I noticed a man across the street staring at me and smiling. It was a wild-eyed, excited grin, too. His enthusiasm was such that I thought he must know me, but I didn't recognize him in the slightest.

As the light turned green and he approached I could tell he was preparing to say something, so I debated about whether or not I should maintain eye contact or just pretend to be distracted by something else in order to avoid the awkwardness. At the midpoint of our crossing he never even slowed down, but he maintained direct eye contact and said "You might wanna zip up there, slick."

At first I thought it was weird that he was so excited with just the anticipation of telling me to bundle up. It wasn't even that cold out at the time. Then I got a little angry that he felt the need to mother me like that. Just because you are a wuss and a slave to Mother Nature doesn't mean I have to be. I'll wear my coat how I want to wear my coat, dammit. Winter, and you sir, can both suck it.

When I finally got to the dentist, the dental assistant put a paper bib around my neck and cleaned my teeth and raped my gums with floss. She left me in a reclining position as she fetched the actual dentist for a proper checkup.

While waiting horizontally, I happened to glance down to notice my pant zipper was down. And it wasn't just kinda down, it was all the way, spread wide, open-gapped, you-could-identify-my-brand-of-underwear down. As in, easily-noticeable-from-across-an-entire-downtown-street down.

So a note to all you good Samaritans out there: the next time you tell somebody that they might want to "zip it up", be more specific.

Tony Horton's 10-Minute Trainer Update

DAY TWO

Do you know how easy it is to mishandle resistance bands and to smack yourself in the face, in the back of the head, in the ass, and everywhere else on your tender body? They are floppy, stupid, awkward, cruel devices and anyone who would recommend their use (*cough* Tony) is laughing on the inside while imagining the millions of bruises he is inflicting by proxy. By the end of the workout you'll look like you could check into a battered women's shelter, but look at those quads!

Today was the total body workout, and seeing as how my entire body already felt like it was suffering from influenza after yesterday's workout, today's experience was no less unpleasant.

Weight: 165.8

::: posted by dan at 5:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

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5 previous comments:

I was actually up at 4:30 last night unable to sleep and found myself watching infomercials and saw the Tony ads, and was thinking, "Wow! That seems to actually work. I have 10 minutes!" Then I thought, "Hmmm. 10 minutes. That sounds familiar." And I remembered your post.

Exercise is not fun. Activity is fun. I'm excited you will give updates and weigh-ins. I hope you don't resort to photoshopping your head on a male model in a few months and calling it quits.

Good luck!

By

Anonymous, at 7:50 PM

Roseanne Barr: the worst part of exercising is that you have to do it again.

By

Anonymous, at 9:47 PM

you've gone from 167 to 165.8 in a day, thats inpressive! (even more impressive if we're talking kilo's)

By

Outrageous Fartune, at 9:50 PM

Did street-crossing-guy really call you "slick?" That's funny. Also "Trouble," "Pal" and anything ending in "-boy" are funny.

-toddbee

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Anonymous, at 11:07 AM

LMFAO!!!!!! Nice.

By

Anonymous, at 5:28 PM

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