planetdan

Wednesday, September 02, 2009 :::

Literally Frozen Yogurt

Fruit is Not Dessert has become my mantra over the years, especially when having dinner at my mother's house, as she has been known to trot out a bowl of grapes and try to pawn them off as "something sweet to finish the meal." Grapes are not dessert. Strawberries are not dessert until you add whipping cream and/or shortcake. Cherries are not dessert unless they are baked in a pie. Peaches are not dessert unless they are part of a cobbler topped with vanilla ice cream. But fruit by itself is not dessert. Dessert is my favorite course, so I like to consider myself an expert on the matter, and if I had to rate desserts from "Oh my god yes!" to "Oh hell no!" it would go something like this:

1. Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Frosting
2. Non-Chocolate Cake with Frosting
3. Dessert Bars with Chocolate or Peanut Butter
4. Cookies with Chocolate
5. Cake without Frosting (Brownies, Angelfood, etc.)
6. Cookies without Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Pudding
9. Frozen Yogurt/Sherbet
10. Fruit

After years of ungrateful bitching on my part, my mother seemed to have gotten the point, but last night she threw me for a loop. She announced that there was nothing chocolate for dessert. Nor was there cake. Nor was there anything else mouthwatering or sugary. All she had available was some Sherbet and some Frozen Yogurt. Seeing as how both of those options are at the bottom of my list, I was a little discouraged, but at least it wasn't a bowl of grapes. So I sighed with marked disappointment and requested the Frozen Yogurt. That's when my mother went to the freezer and pulled out a container of Yoplait.

She had literally frozen a cup of yogurt and was trying to pass it off as "Frozen Yogurt." That's not how it works, mother. That's not how it works at all. My initial disappointment instantly turned into utter dispair, and dinner in its entirety was ruined. Even my brother was aghast.

Literally frozen yogurt. Who did she think she was kidding? And served as dessert, no less. I don't think so. And now I have to ammend my favorite desserts list:

1. Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Frosting
2. Non-Chocolate Cake with Frosting
3. Dessert Bars with Chocolate or Peanut Butter
4. Cookies with Chocolate
5. Cake without Frosting (Brownies, Angelfood, etc.)
6. Cookies without Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Pudding
9. Frozen Yogurt/Sherbet
10. Fruit
11. Literally Frozen Yogurt

Literally frozen yogurt. Gah. My head is still spinning.

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::: posted by dan at 11:57 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

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11 previous comments:

I tried to do this back in the '80s, when frozen yogurt was trendy and my mother was sick of spending money on it. I was like hey, I'll just pop a cup in the freezer for a couple hours, and bam! At-home frogurt! It worked about as well as at-home perms. I think yogurt needs to have air pumped into it, or squeezed out of it, or something, for it to work as frogurt.

I quite like sherbert/sorbet, though. And most fruit (but especially strawberries) are an acceptable dessert if you throw some chocolate sauce into the mix. But people who give you a fucking peach or some grapes and say "have some dessert" with a straight face need to be slapped.

By

pinstripebindi, at 6:21 PM

Amused! Giggling!

Growing old seems to be about breaking norms and feeling entitled to. Or so I've deduced from watching my parents age. :-D

By

hannyb, at 3:24 AM

I think that self-supporting grown children who are grateful that their Mom or any other delightful hostess has invited them to dine, would get into the habit of providing wine and/or dessert.

grow up. They are on a fixed income and your misplaced sense of entitlement is embarrassing.

By

Anonymous, at 10:13 AM

The misplaced sense of self-entitlement you detect is supposed to be part of the fun. My dramatic reaction is supposed to be a joke.

But what's kind of embarrassing is you talking as if you know my parents (Fixed income? Say what?) or understand our relationship. Loosen up.

By

dan, at 11:25 AM

And since when is a weekly dinner with family akin to being invited to Buckingham Palace for tea with the Queen. If a person can’t be honest with family, then with whom can he be honest with?

I believe that it is you that is embarrassing anonymous poster. Yeah…fixed income, who are you?

C-

By

Anonymous, at 1:31 PM

AND...I suspect that per serving, a cup of Yoplait is much more expensive than a tub of Kemps vanilla bean.

C-

By

Anonymous, at 1:40 PM

You forgot Jello.

-Your ahgast brother

By

Anonymous, at 3:42 PM

Your so spoiled.

- Cole

LOL! My word verification is yogrt!!!!

By

me, at 10:56 PM

#12 anything in a "mold" particularly jello with bananas floating in them. when we were kids my mother thought this was a good way to get us to eat fruit. GREEN jello with bananas, red jello with apples...I still shudder when I see jello shake and shimmy

By

Anonymous, at 7:52 AM

my mom would dish out desserts based on your weight. my very skinny brother got cookies. She would give me grapes. Even today 20 years later she will serve people slices of cake based on their weight. She thinks we don't notice.

By

Anonymous, at 7:54 AM

My mother never EVER served desert except for 3 days a year... Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter.

One time, a cousin or someone loosely related asked my mom about desert. Her reply was along the lines of "get off your lazy ass and fix it yourself!"

She was just too damn funny!

By

Anonymous, at 7:22 AM

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