planetdan

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 :::

Disappointment, Thy Name Be Stretch Monster

I saw this retro-image online the other day and it brought back a deluge of intense personal memories, circa December 1978:

I was three years old, and my very first recognizable feeling of INTENSE WANT came in the form of the Stretch Monster. I wanted it so bad that it was all I requested for Christmas. I asked my mom, I asked my Dad, I asked my grandparents, I asked the too-skinny Santa at the mall, and I probably asked random strangers in the toy department.

(On a side note, I remember when I was younger I used to believe that if I looked sad and pathetic enough in the toy aisle - like some poor little Match Boy beggar - that some stranger might take pity on me and buy me something just to see my frown turn upsidedown. This, of course, never actually happened, which is probably a good thing because I imagine that the only random strangers actually buying toys for disadvantaged-looking boys in toy stores are probably pedophiles - but maybe I'm just too cynical. Regardless, I spent many-an-afternoon perfecting my audible "sad sigh" and standing with exaggeratedly forlorn facial expressions in front of the latest Transformer, never to have that dream fulfilled.)

Fortunately for me, Santa got me what I asked for that year:

[I actually remember being annoyed that I had to stop playing with my Stretch Monster long enough to pose for this stupid picture.]

Unfortunately for me, it wasn't nearly as stretchy as my three-year-old mind was imagining it would be. I fantasized I would be able to stretch it across entire rooms and around parking lots and all the way to the corner store. So on that very same day, when I finally exerted as much strength as my three-year-old muscles could muster and stretched it nearly a foot above and beyond its normal arm-span, I was obviously shocked to see that it started to pop at the seams, oozing a clear syrupy jelly that I probably shouldn't have tasted. But I was only three and toxic toys were generally not a much-debated issue at my house in the 1970's.

My subsequent sickness was surely due more to the disappointment of the whole situation rather than the actual ingested innards of a cheaply made stretch toy. My dad tried to mend the doll with some electrical tape, which only stopped the hemorrhaging temporarily. But I learned an important lesson that year about bracing myself for disappointment, especially when you want something really bad. It's an inverse proportion kind of thing: the more you want something, the more it will disappoint you when you finally get it. Therefore, always keep your expectations exceedingly low.

::: posted by dan at 12:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Monday, May 12, 2008 :::

Parenting

Just saw this on the Onion and thought I needed to post it, in light of my general dislike for smug, obnoxious parents:

It's funny that joking about their inflated sense of moral superiority makes me meel morally superior. And so the cycle continues...

::: posted by dan at 8:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Friday, May 09, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Crotch Rocket Edition)!

Gives new meaning to the phrase "crotch rocket".

Just to provide a little related personal history, my most painful crotch damage ever came from a dodge ball during gym class and lasted for days. But it wasn't funny. Not at all. The funniest was probably teeter-totter related. I was maybe ten years old and at my friend Dorianne's house and I lost my balance at the zenith of our teetering and somehow slipped around and fell directly under my end of the apparatus. When Dori got off the teeter-totter to check on my well-being, the teeter-totter made a violent thud back into its usual resting position, which happened to be directly on my no-no place. It didn't hurt incredibly bad, but I bet it would have been hilarious to catch on video.

::: posted by dan at 1:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Wednesday, May 07, 2008 :::

What could have been.

I made this for my mom for Mother's Day because I try to steer clear of the syrupy sentimental stuff, but I gotta admit that I think I actually look pretty bad ass:

Little does my mother know that the only reason I didn't totally go punk in senior high school was because I couldn't pull it off. In fact, my one attempt at a cool alternative-style hair-do ended up looking more pageboy than skater boy:

dan, circa 1992

Nice try, dan, but no cigar. Or maybe it was the collegiate preppy-guy sweatshirt that was making it hard for me to complete the look and sell the attitude. Although I do recall purchasing a bad-ass magnetic stud earring at Two-Plus-Two (because my mom wouldn't allow actual male piercings in her house - hmmm, maybe my mama did influence my overall appearance after all).

Oh well. At least I wasn't into crappy country music like the rest of my graduating class. I refuse to even photoshop what I might have looked like had I gone down that tired old path.

::: posted by dan at 12:16 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Sunday, May 04, 2008 :::

Shadow Art

Apparently "shadows" are a new artistic medium. I've seen some fairly impressive examples of shadow art in the last few months. People are using shadows to:

Tell a Story

Draw a Picture/Make a Social Statement

Create Profiles/Animate the Inanimate

But these folks are just barely cracking the surface of the possibilities. Let me create some shadow art that will literally blow your mind, planetdan style:

Winner = Me

Although I think the older I get, the more I appreciate my own juvenile humor. I probably told more sophisticated jokes when I was twelve, only without the aid of animated GIFs. The only thing that's evolved on planetdan over the last thirty years is the technology. :(

::: posted by dan at 4:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Friday, May 02, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Critters & Vamints Edition)!

Some people might think that this is cruel, but I think it is perfectly acceptable:

Who ever said only certain kinds of squirrels can fly?

Speaking of critters, I watched this mouse run in circles for nearly twenty minutes the other day. I wasn't sure which one of us was more pitiful: the mouse, who couldn't figure out how to stop himself from turning right, or me, who watched him for twenty minutes with utter delight:

::: posted by dan at 11:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 :::

Where monkey's brains are not often to be found...

Guess where I was all weekend?

I took tons of pictures of all the monuments and museums that one is supposed to take pictures of, but for some reason this one is my favorite because it makes me laugh like a 12 year old every time:

::: posted by dan at 9:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Friday, April 25, 2008 :::

Thre Return of Animated Friday (Full Circle Edition)!

The very first animated GIF I ever posted on planetdan depicted a girl falling down on a treadmill, so I'm proud that six years later I can return full circle to that old chestnut with a brand new extreme version of an old classic:

Girl Falls on Treadmill v2.0

::: posted by dan at 1:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

A different perspective...

Normally I hate political cartoons, but this one was quite intriguing:

::: posted by dan at 1:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Lollapaloozer

So even though I haven't received it yet (and I'm not even sure if I qualify, as a matter of fact), I have already spent my economic stimulus rebate five times over, so I guess that lame government tactic totally worked on a chump like me.

My main purchase was an $850 VIP ticket to Lollapalooza, which I will be attending with my good buddy Dr. Erik. We're gonna bust all up in that place like we own the joint and drink all the cheap wine and watery beer that we can before stumbling out sweaty and drunk into the writhing masses to mix with the little folk, because we truly are men of the people.

The lineup is pretty incredible this year. I'm super excited to see Radiohead (one of my new New Years Resolutions, actually - check!), Nine Inch Nails, The Raconteurs, Wilco, and dozens more. That's right, I like the hard stuff...

...except I'm so dainty that I had to spend an extra $600 on the VIP ticket so that I could have access to air conditioned toilets and a less dirt-ridden environment. Oh well. I'm still hardcore on the inside, though.

::: posted by dan at 12:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Thursday, April 24, 2008 :::

Circus Pants

I saw this online the other day and laughed out loud.

Poor girl didn't know she was going to be running for president someday... otherwise I'm sure she would have rethought that outfit. I'll try not to let it make me question her judgement, and I rest happy knowing that she probably has someone to dress her these days.

I can't judge really, though, because if I ever run for president (of a place other than planetdan, obviously, where I am already ruler supreme), I'm sure some rather awkward pictures of me will surface. I'm thinking in particular of mullet shots, which I have yet to be brave enough to post on here. I should really just get it all out in the open, but I like to pretend like that year of my life never happened.

::: posted by dan at 11:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Ooops

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I was working OT trying to get a few dozen work projects under control. I guess my real life kinda overshadowed my preferred internet identity for a while, but look out because I'm coming back full force, like the super hero I am.

::: posted by dan at 11:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 :::

Sorry your mom blew up, Ricky.

Am I wrong or did I just see Ricky from Better Off Dead in the audience on American Idol tonight?

I'm not making a bad joke, I really do think that is the same actor...

Here's a recent, absurd video of him from more recent times to aid in the comparison. Prove me wrong!

And, yes, I watch American Idol. That David Archuleta is going to take it all, I tell you!

::: posted by dan at 10:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments

Monday, April 14, 2008 :::

Post No Bills

Graffiti artists are getting more clever every day, and I must say I much prefer the use of easily removable stickers as opposed to common ol' spray paint:

I love it that people take the time to do shit like this. And I very much agree with the no Saget sentiment.

::: posted by dan at 10:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Friday, April 11, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Rainy Day Edition)!

It's been raining here for a couple days, but I don't let nuthin' get me down! Still, I thought this Animated GIF would be the most appropriate to post:

A Puddle Jumper's Lament

Unrelated bonus GIF: Mad Skillz.

::: posted by dan at 3:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Thursday, April 10, 2008 :::

Smart Alek

I Tivo Jeopardy! every day because it makes me feel smart. I watch it during lunch on fast forward, which makes me feel even smarter. The other day I was catching up on previously recorded episodes when Alex Trebek walked out on stage sporting a crazy moustache that looked as if it has been drawn on with a magic marker:

Even stranger, the moustache disappeared halfway through the show. Nobody ever acknowledged the scribbly facial hair or its disappearance, so I was feeling very Twighlight-Zoney until I realized I was watching an episode that had originally aired on April 1st. I guess he got me, but I'm still confused about why they never mentioned it or referenced it after the show. Maybe they just decided the gag wasn't worth it.

On a related note: one reason why I know I am not smart enough to ever be on Jeopardy! is that I once bet my friend J-Balls $100 that it was "Alek" Trebek instead of "Alex" Trebek. I'm not normally a betting man, and I dunno what came over me but I was absolutely certain of my accuracy. Of course, I was easily proved incorrect, and I eventually paid her off in drinks, but to this day I am unsure of how I ever got the impression he was an Alek. Maybe I was thinking Smart Alek, but I doubt my own brain was even smart enough to make that leap.

Also on a related note, did you know that Alex has a dirty, filthy mouth even when it isn't covered in Crayola?

Do you kiss your mother with that, Alek? Also, remember Internet Rule #34 that states that SOMEONE is turned on by this.

::: posted by dan at 9:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Tuesday, April 08, 2008 :::

Newsclippins

These have all probably been featured on the Tonight Show at some point, but I re-present them in this format so that you can appreciate their humor without having to endure the humor blackhole that is Jay Leno:

::: posted by dan at 9:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Friday, April 04, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Kick 'Em While They're Down Edition)!

Dang, dog, that's cold!

::: posted by dan at 4:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Cuteness Quiz

I'm sick of seeing that hairy-eared guy every time I pull up my site, so here is a page-pushing blog post to save the day AND our eyes:

Which of these baby animals is the cutest?

A. Elephant:

B. Hippo:

C. Rhino:

There is a clear loser here. In fact, I hear this noise every time I look at that baby rhino pic. Man, is that thing ugly. It's so ugly its mama doesn't even love it. There's very few baby animals that aren't cute by default, but that thing looks like the mutant baby in Eraserhead. Barf.

::: posted by dan at 11:25 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Thursday, April 03, 2008 :::

A Hairy Situation

The other day I was at a dinner party when I noticed people's gazes kept drifting off toward my left ear. I'd be chatting innocently with another guest with proper eye contact when suddenly something near the side of my head would catch their attention and the distraction would cause the conversation to temporarily falter. I started to get nervous. Was there something on my face? Cheeto dust, perhaps? Did I miss a spot shaving? Trying to hide my panic, I looked around the unfamiliar room for a mirror but the walls were barren.

I was nervous, but I carried on the evening with false confidence. Eventually I was talking to a friendlier face when I saw his eyes drift to the side of my head like so many before him, so I asked, "What? What are you looking at?" and he replied, "You have a hair on your ear, let me get it for you." But instead of brushing a loose hair away from my face, I felt a slight tug. There was a short yet awkward silence before he said "Oh... it's attached."

I was mortified, but he proceeded to pluck it loose from the top of my ear and hand it to me. I was surprised to see that it was blond and practically an inch long. I couldn't imagine how I ever missed it in the mirror for the month and a half it must have taken to grow, but then again the top of my ear is not a place I generally would expect to be in need of a trim, so I'm sure I hadn't given it much attention. I sheepishly said "...thanks," and tried to continue on with the previous conversation, but it was clear the damage was done. To him, and probably the rest of the guests in attendance, I would forever be the guy with the inch-long ear hair.

I guess now that I'm 33 I have to keep an eye out for errant hairs and other embarrassments. At least I'm not this guy, who - according to Guinness - holds the world record for longest ear hair:

Oh great, now you're probably picturing this:

That's not nice of you. Not nice at all.

::: posted by dan at 5:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments