planetdan

Thursday, June 24, 2004 :::

Politically Sheltered

I must be politically or sociologically sheltered, because I am so completely surrounded by people who fervently share my hatred of Bush that I'd be shocked if he got even a single vote come November. But the front page of the paper today says that the race is currently neck and neck in the polls. So where are all the crazy pro-Bush freaks hiding? Texas? Certainly not in South Minneapolis.

I like people who agree with me. As a favor to the Onion AV Club, comedian Patton Oswolt has come up with a list of 16 things he'd be willing to vote for instead of Bush. It's vulgar and crass and awesome.

Read it here.

My favorites:
• Contagious, airborne cancer
• Italian food tastes the way it does at The Olive Garden from now on
• Orgasms can only be reached while listening to "Meet Virginia" by Train

I hate that Train song so much.
Oh, and these posters for Air America are pretty funny, even though I've never actually listened to that channel.

::: posted by dan at 3:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 :::

Interesting Links

I snagged these from elsewhere and cannot be credited with their discovery, but they are funny nonetheless. Is nonetheless one word? I can't remember.

Truth in advertising: Not so surprisingly, this badly marketed item is still in stock, so order now.

Parental freaks: Yeah, child birth is a miracle and all, blah blah blah, but when some people have kids, they tend to lose the ability of rational thought.

Christian freaks: Holy christ, don't take your obsessive religious fanatacism too far or anything. The testimonial on the home page is so awesome that I can only assume it's all made up. "The nurses tell me that the blood didn't have no AIDS, but they didn't tell me it come from some unbeliever."

News flash: er, duh.

::: posted by dan at 12:18 AM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Tuesday, June 22, 2004 :::

David Bowie's Owie

You may remember this post I made about pointy objects being angled toward my eyeball and about how much I don't like such things. Well, poor Bowie's probably got himself a whole new phobia, too. Lollipops:

See more pics here.

::: posted by dan at 11:31 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Monday, June 21, 2004 :::

My new hero.

From Wired.com:

[Brian] Rodgers.. took the opportunity last fall to snap up the domain [bush2004.com], along with identical dot-org and dot-net extensions, for $8,000.

Since then, Rodgers has received calls from Bush supporters who have offered to pay as much as $135,000 for the domains. He declined to sell, citing animosity toward the incumbent president as the chief reason.

"He's a sorry son of a bitch and I'll do anything I can to bring him down," said Rodgers, who now lives outside Austin and is using the domains [bush2004.com] to house a satire site poking fun at the president.

The whole article. Also, another perspective:
JohnKerryIsADoucheBagButImVotingForHimAnyway.com

::: posted by dan at 11:59 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Thursday, June 17, 2004 :::

His name was Prince. And he was funky.

Tonight I attended the Prince concert, and I have to say that even though we broke up quite a few years back, he does put on a good show. The first half was great, the accoustic set in the middle was mesmerizing, and the last half with the drawn-out Led Zepplin cover and the boring dancing girls was a little long, but all in all it was a good show. I was a little disappointed that his single encore consisted of only one song, and that to see the rest of the show you had to pay an extra $50 and drive to Chanhassen or wherever the hell Paisley Park is, but oh well.

My one souvenir: a single piece of confetti that floated my way and landed on the lady's head in front of me. I skillfully plucked it out of her teased-up hairdo without her even noticing. Swear to god, as Skrause is my witness. Here it is, for the unbelievers:

I was also a little angry that the free Musicology CD (supposedly included in the price of the ticket) didn't include the original packaging, and that those free giveaways are somehow counted as sales on the Billboard charts, keeping him artificially high on the charts throughout the course of his entire concert tour. Seems like cheating to me, but after the Crystal Ball fiasco I should expect nothing different. That's another story altogether, though.

::: posted by dan at 12:57 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Monday, June 14, 2004 :::

The Olsen Twizins

I just came across this picture online that had the title: Olsen Twins - Ghetto Mix, and I think it's the most awesomely mind-boggling thing I've ever seen.

Click for larger.

The resemblance really is uncanny. It's like Bizarro Full House.

Updated: I had to delete a whole bunch of jackass racist comments left by god knows who. I don't normally promote censorship, but hell, this is planetdan after all, where I am leader and what I say goes. Don't be a racist prick on my site.

::: posted by dan at 7:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (34) comments

Playground Taunts

This is apparently old, but I missed it the first time-around. Wonkette has collected a few suggestive quotes implying that Bush bats for both sides, or at the very least is oddly obsessed with attractive male faces:

Kinda like grade-school taunting at the playground, but also kinda funny.

Which kind of reminds me of a dark period when I was in the fourth grade and walked home from school every day. My begging-for-trouble friend Cory taunted a menacing eighth-grader, David Stay, from across the parking lot with a chorus of "Gay Stay! Gay Stay! Gay Stay!" Since David Stay was a good deal older and faster than us, he easily caught up with Cory and pounded his face into a snow bank. I abandoned my friend without a second thought, and sprinted away in a desperate act of self-preservation, as Gay Stay yelled after me, "I'll get you later!" So for weeks after, I bolted from school the minute the bell rang in order to avoid his wrath, until one day he finally got wise and gave chase. I'd had a pretty good head start on him, but the problem was that it was winter, I was in the fourth grade, and Moon Boots were standard issue. My little padded legs just couldn't keep pace and I ended up ditching face first onto the pavement. When he caught up to me, I defensively turned on the water-works and balled "I'm telling!" before he even layed a hand on me. He simply said "I didn't even do anything yet," and walked away, sparing me. I never wore Moon Boots again, but I can still feel the burning shame like it was yesterday.

::: posted by dan at 2:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Supreme Court Pussies

Lame. Rather than actually make the decision they know they will eventually have to make, they dismiss the case on a technicality:

God will remain a part of the Pledge of Allegiance, at least until a stronger legal challenge is mounted. The Supreme Court ruled Monday that Michael Newdow, a California athiest, could not sue to ban the pledge from his daughter's school because he lacks the legal authority to speak for her. Newdow is divorced, and his ex-wife has custody of the girl. The justices basically took a pass on making a decision, since Monday's ruling sidestepped the question of whether the words "under God" -- added to the pledge during the anti-communist cold war hysteria -- conflicts with the doctrine of separation of church and state. -- Wired.com

The pledge has an interesting history, if you don't know. And just in case you are about to get all religiously self-righteous on me, you can read about how the Founding Fathers Were Not Christians.

::: posted by dan at 11:12 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Thursday, June 10, 2004 :::

Cursed at Birth, Vol. II

There are many unfortunately named people out there. You may remember that B*Dub had a client named "Anita Beaton." and I remember stories about a man running for a government office whose bumper stickers read "Dick Swett for Congress," but this poor lady... dang.

::: posted by dan at 1:43 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wednesday, June 09, 2004 :::

Baked. The bad way.

I had a little tanning mishap. I went to a tanning salon yesterday in attempt to prevent burning on my upcoming cruise, as well as to look not-so-glowy in a bathing suit. I don't tan, and in fact I tend to avoid the sun and the out of doors altogether, so a mere 12 minutes in the "turbotan" machine seems to have caused extensive damage. The leathery woman at the tanning joint told me that my particular tanning bed was filled with "bronzing bulbs" which were "unlikely to burn skin" and yet were the equivalent of "6 normal tans, without the damage." She must have been misinformed. This sure does look a lot better than glowy white, don't it?

Thank god I kept my underwear on. The pain is considerable. I went back to the salon and lifted my shirt for the staff on duty and received unanimous gasps, most likely not due to my physique. They gave me free pity lotion. And don't mock my fruit of the looms. Expensive underwear is for idiots.

::: posted by dan at 8:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

And I thought lucky rabbit's feet were inhumane.

"Once upon a time there lived in the center of Australia an aboriginal boy. One day he came upon a small kangaroo in the bush, caught it by the tail, and made a purse out of its scrotum. He gave it to his girl, and she kept seeds and berries in it.

Ever since then, male kangaroo scrotum purses have been popular amongst the aborigines. For women, the soft playable one; for men the strong, wrinkled one. They became as important as one's own symbol of masculinity and were recognized as the bringing luck items. That's why the kangaroo scrotum purse is often called as "Lucky Bag" or "Lucky Pouch"."

And that must also be why you can buy them to hang on your car.

::: posted by dan at 4:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Tuesday, June 08, 2004 :::

Dan's new best friend - not you.

A week or so ago, I got an email from Mike White – or at least someone pretending to be Mike White, anyway – in response to this old blog posting from when I bumped into him in New York. After I hyperventilated and fainted, I replied and then promptly deleted the message from my sent box so that I wouldn't ever be able to go back and judge whatever idiocy I sent to one of my idols.

Then I read the old semi-obsessive-sounding post he was referring to in his email and was more than a little embarassed. But I lack any real sense of shame, so that didn't last too long. And when I checked my site stats today, I noticed he was on my site for nearly 10 minutes and viewed no less than four pages. That's about 9 minutes longer than any of you no-comment-leaving bitches that I call my friends. But that's ok, because now I got a new best friend in Mike White. He just doesn't know it yet.

::: posted by dan at 2:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Monday, June 07, 2004 :::

I rubbed my eyes, but it's still there.

I've never seen this procedure on Extreme Makeovers. Plastic surgery sure is an amazing thing. Remind me never to pee on an electric fence.

[From worldofwonder]

::: posted by dan at 9:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wet Hot American Masterpiece

Maybe it was the talking can of mixed vegetables or the crack-den sequence, but I have to admit that the first time I saw Wet Hot American Summer, I didn't really get it. Sure, I laughed a few times, but my general reaction was one of confused bafflement. It's utter brilliance started its slow burn on my brain a few months later when I accidently watched it again on cable. After a few hundred more times on the Starz(!) channel, I was beginning to see the light. It's a couple years later, and it is now, without a doubt, one of the most amazing movies I have ever seen.

I only tell you this in case you haven't seen it, because today I was flipping channels and found it on Comedy Central. I actually made a loud gasp and just barely stopped short of making a "yes" fist-pump hand gesture. And since it is basic cable, it will be repeated ad infinitum, or ad nauseam depending on how you look at it. It's going to be a good summer for sitting inside and watching TV.

::: posted by dan at 8:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Saturday, June 05, 2004 :::

Game 4

I actually did the Greasy Cooters proud last night and caught a fly ball in kickball game #4. This is me, up to bat:

There are also more pics here and a couple non-kickball related videos from the evening here. You have to right click to download them, and you better have a fast connection because they are a couple megs each.

Or, click here for an animated action shot.

::: posted by dan at 2:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Friday, June 04, 2004 :::

Come and gone.

The Decemberists have come to Minneapolis and are now gone. I got a t-shirt. I got to chat with some of the band. I got heat stroke from the insane temperatures inside the 400 Bar (not my favorite venue). And I got to listen to some of the other concert goers make idiot-speak. My favorite quote of the evening (said with utter conviction):

"No, "Jack and Diane" is the poor man's "Glory Days".
- Girl in intentionally ratty clothing philosophising about (I'm assuming) John Melloncamp and Bruce Springsteen. I'd explain what the hell she meant if their conversation had any logic to it whatsoever.

Oh, and the show was great. They are still my current favorite band. At least the place was packed, so they should have good reason to come back again. This is the best pic I could get on my crappy camera phone:

::: posted by dan at 1:08 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Thursday, June 03, 2004 :::

Tonight's the night.

Tonight I am going to see The Decemberists at the 400 Bar in downtown Minneapolis. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. How excited am I?

I am this excited.

Also, it's B-Stacy-B's birfday. Happy birfday B-Stacy-B.

::: posted by dan at 11:22 AM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Wednesday, June 02, 2004 :::

Porno Plot Actualized

Apparently, at the Sonic Burger you can be promoted to manager at 16, but still be a dim, slutty bulb.

I was 20 before I was even promoted to assistant manager at the local Adventures in Video, and I didn't even once fall for the perform-a-sexual-act-on-your-coworker-or-we'll-know-you-stole-the-purse telephone scam.

::: posted by dan at 10:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

The American Cornhole Association

The American Cornhole Association was established by a small group of dedicated Cornholers from the west side of Cincinnati, Ohio. It has grown over the years and, to the best of our knowledge, now represents the largest organized Cornhole association in the United States. Our mission is to introduce our friends and neighbors to the game of Cornhole. The ACA has never been out to make a profit...

... but you can buy a hat. And I totally want one.

[copped from the filepile]

::: posted by dan at 10:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

My Worst Nightmare

I have a few phobias. Fish (and thus swimming in the ocean), pointy objects angled toward my eyeball, spiders, robots, etc. My worst phobia by far is parasites. I seriously would have to contemplate suicide if I ever discovered I had a tape worm or anything of the like. I just don't think I would be able to live while being so disgusted by myself. This guy handles the experience with a calmer disposition than I ever could. Plus it's funny, informative, and it has some pretty swell illustrations.

Read about The Worm Within.

::: posted by dan at 1:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Tuesday, June 01, 2004 :::

Meat Flavored Pudding

Just the thought that such a "food product" even exists is enough to give me the vurps, but apparently there exists a product called "Ralph's Potted Meat" that you can eat with a spoon, and this guy has gathered the courage to give it a try. Apparently it's – erp – spicy.

The same guy also survived a BLT made with Beggin' Strips. If you've been dying to know if Beggin' Strips do indeed taste like bacon and if that dog has any reason to be so obsessive, you'll just have to read it.

::: posted by dan at 4:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Conspiracies Amok

This dude thinks that the planes that hit the WTC weren't planes at all, but rather an ingenious combination of projected holograms and cruise missles wielded by a treacherous illuminati, and he thinks he has the video to prove it. David Copperfield, watch yer back. I don't know why he thinks that building a futuristic holographic contraption unheard-of this side of Star Trek is easier than actually just hijacking a plane, but I did find this zoomable overhead photo-map of ground zero that is quite eye-popping.

::: posted by dan at 4:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments