planetdan

Friday, February 25, 2005 :::

Holy Foreskin

I'm glad someone had the presence of mind to keep Jesus' foreskin. Read the whole mythology of the holy foreskin here, or just read some excerpts below:

The Holy Prepuce, or Holy Foreskin (Latin præputium) is one of several relics purported to be associated with Jesus. At various points in history, a number of churches in Europe have claimed to possess it, sometimes at the same time. Various miraculous powers have been ascribed to it.

Orthodox Christian belief has it that Jesus ascended bodily into Heaven forty days after his resurrection from the dead. This would mean that Jesus' foreskin (removed at his circumcision) would be one of the few physical remainders of Jesus left behind on Earth.

During the late 17th century, Catholic scholar and theologian Leo Allatius in De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba ("Discussion concerning the Prepuce of our Lord Jesus Christ") speculated that the Holy Foreskin may have ascended into Heaven at the same time as Jesus himself and might have become the rings of Saturn, then only recently observed by telescope.

[via grow-a-brain]

::: posted by dan at 8:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Fit as a Fiddle

Two weeks ago, when I still had my health and when I had no idea the flu was in my future, I ran a 5K around Lake Harriett with K-Mack, Cherry Nut, J-Walk, and Wombat. Every day since, I have checked the website to see if the race photos were posted, and finally my wish has come true. Of course there are none of me. Figures. I'm sorta in the background of this one, though:

I had to comb through 650 photos just to find that crappy one. It's at the finish line. I ran the whole way without stopping, I'm proud to say. For a while I was stuck next to some dumb broad who proclaimed she would not be "giving it up" to "Ethan" on Valentine's Day if she couldn't do it with a "new diamond" on her finger. Then she said that everyone thinks she looks 28, but she's really 40. So I took a good peek. Trust me, she looked 40. So after enduring her for a third of the race, I kicked it into high gear just so I wouldn't have to listen to her every vapid thought. So I guess I should credit her for my short finish time.

Anyway, 5Ks are fun. Anything longer than a 5K is just plain crazy talk. Count me out.

See also: K-Mack ; J-Walk ; Cherry Nut

::: posted by dan at 2:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 :::

I Heart I Heart Huckabees

I Heart Huckabees is awesome. Naomi Watts and Lily Tomlin are bonafide comic genuises. Watching Naomi have a breakdown in a bonnett with Oreo Cookie mouth was one of the highlights of going to the movies last year. And where else could you see Dustin Hoffman, Jason Schwarzman, and Jude Law suckling eachother's prosthetic breasts? How about right here! I took some screencaps for you. Click on a name below to see how your favorite actors would look with boobs. And even though they are fake, these pics are probably not suitable for work:

• Jude Law
• Dustin Hoffman
• Jason Schwarzman

::: posted by dan at 6:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Neat-O

I want this knife holder [via Gizmodo]:

But you can't buy it. You can only view it here. I guess it's more like art or something.

::: posted by dan at 6:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

An Ode to the Roto-Rooter Man

I stayed home sick today with what may or may not be some variation of the flu or something. So I decided that as long as I am a house-bound shut-in today, I may as well have Roto-Rooter come out and clean the bathtub drain that has been awfully slow lately and occasionally backs up. I've decided that even worse than being a refuse collector would be being a Roto-Rooter man. At least garbage men have a thin layer of plastic bag protecting them from actually coming into contact with your half-eaten bananas and clipped toe-nails.

My particular Roto-Rooter guy was a nice enough fellow with a foreign accent (maybe Greek, maybe Israeli, I'm not sure) but when I went down to the basement to see how it was going, he gave me a dirty look and said in his thick accent "That was disgusting. That was really really awful bad." Roto-Rooter men must see some pretty sick shit on a daily basis, so the fact that he actually had to comment on how bad it was must really mean something. I caught a glimpse of his drain bucket and noticed it was filled with a black oil-like sludge that was probably decades worth of melted hair, soap scum, rotted filth and god knows what else. Then he told me that it had sprayed all over his face. I noticed his shirt was also covered in black stains as well. At that point, I was so grateful that I didn't have to do that job myself, that I would have paid him anything had he asked.

$300 later and my pipes are clean and it was worth every penny.

::: posted by dan at 12:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Monday, February 21, 2005 :::

Just like in Cujo. Seriously.

Today I got chased into work by a big, burly, and clearly-rabid White-Husky-type-of-dog. It was barking and charging and scaring me so I discarded all sense of shame and ran full-force toward my work entrance, like a horror movie race to the finish. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if it wasn't right in front of where all the smokers were having their 9 a.m. fix, so they all just watched me running by in a panic.

Sadly, this ain't the first time this has happened to me. Last time it was two ghetto-looking Dobermans who chased me down the hill toward the same work entrance and in front of the same habitual smokers. The Dobermans (or is it Dobermen?) were big and barky and mean looking and clearly didn't have good intentions for chasing me. It was rather traumatic, but I can't decide if I am more traumatized by the being chased by killer dogs or by sprinting past coworkers with a look of sheer terror on my face. At least I wasn't shrieking... that I can remember, anyway.

Speaking of big dogs, check out my coworker's sister's doggie Leroy (who is no longer with us). I've never seen anything so ginormous in my whole life. I thought the picture was fake at first, but apparently it's not:

If I saw that thing chasing me across a parking lot, I would've wet myself for sure. So I guess I can at least be grateful that didn't happen.

::: posted by dan at 12:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments

Foot-scrapers are gross enough as it is.

Along the same lines as Fungals brand undies, here is another unfortunately named product. It may behoove some marketing companies to do a little more research before launching a product:

[FP]

::: posted by dan at 12:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

A Star-Studded Weekend

In case you didn't hear, Paris Hilton's phone got hacked over the weekend, and all her famous contacts got published all over the web. So I spent a good hour on Sunday calling quasi-celebrities like Christina Aquilera, Avril Levine, Vin Diesel, Ashlee Simpson, and Jared Padalecki (my least favorite Gilmore Girls alumnus ever) until I realized that calling multitudes of long-distance numbers just to hear a celebrity's voicemail message seemed a little pathetic.

I also called somebody simply listed as Fiona, hoping it would be Fiona Apple. I wanted to know why her new CD still isn't out. There's even a grassroots campaign to get it released. I was going to lend her my undying support, but alas it's wasn't Fiona Apple. I should've known that someone like Paris Hilton would know quite a few Fionas.

::: posted by dan at 9:39 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Friday, February 18, 2005 :::

No happy ending required.

I've never had a massage and I want one but I'm a bit ascared of the process. When do you take off your clothes and how much you are supposed to take off? Are you supposed to say something when it feels good or just lay there in awkward silence? Eyes closed or open? Where exactly are they planning on rubbing? Do I really want some stranger getting all familiar with my nooks and crannies? It all seems like too much to worry about but people really seem to like massages a lot. I think I may just take the leap. Someone give me the courage I need to get a full-on body rubdown. And I'm not talking about one of those perverted "massages". I mean the real deal. Even though all massages seem a little illicit to me for some reason. Except this one cuz it's cute:

::: posted by dan at 3:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (45) comments

The Sonata has been defaced.

I just don't see the point of washing a car in the winter in Minnesota. It'll be dirty and covered with salt within five minutes back on the road anyway. My friend Jeremy wrote this on my car secretly so that I could drive all over town, oblivious. He thinks he's funny.

I'm not a car person. Or a wife person. But I certainly don't want people thinking I'm messy.

::: posted by dan at 2:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Thursday, February 17, 2005 :::

Stuff Gus Ate

This is Gus. He is my roommate's parents' dog who we are watching while they are on vacation:

No matter how well you try to hide things from his reach, he always seems to find something to eat when you are not looking. Such as:

The sweater I got K-Mack for Xmas:

My A Mighty Wind DVD:

K-Mack's Sarah McLachlan CD (not a big loss, IMHO):

Other Misc. Keepsakes:

He also ate K-Mack's taxes. And he is a pervert and peeps at me while I am showering. At least he hasn't shat on my couch.

::: posted by dan at 9:52 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 :::

Dan's Unfortunate Future

When I was working at the QP (worst.job.ever.) making 16 cookie-cutter websites per day (per quota), I'd get calls from small-time psychics who were hoping to expand their business through this wonderful new thing called the World Wide Web. Of course, none of these psychics were gifted enough to foresee that the QP was basically a phone-bill slamming sweat-shop whose real expertise was taking advantage of small business entrepreneurs like them, but whatever.

One psychic gave me a free reading over the phone while I was taking her website order (a process that was remarkably crude and similar to ordering a meal at the McDonald's drive-thru). Anyway, she told me a few startling things: a) I would have kidney problems, b) I drink too much soda, c) I needed to watch out for my legs below the knees, and d) my lifeline was short, which I thought was completely rude and pretty ballsy considering she obviously couldn't see my palms and that she had just basically given me the right to charge anything I wanted to her phone bill.

I don't believe in psychics, of course. I'm only telling you this because if I happen to get diabetes from drinking too much soda and they end up amputating my lower legs which somehow leads to an early death due to kidney failure, then everyone can be like "woah" and I will trust one of you to track her down and ask her if Michael Jackson really masturbated in front of that boy, because that is totally grody and I'm dying to know if it's true. But I guess I'd be dead so nevermind.

I tried to track her down for you, just to make your life a little more bearable after my untimely and devastating death, but I only found Wendy The Psychic's Psychic, which is a Quikpage site I remember working on back in the day. The only reason I link to it now is because it documents my early days as a prolific web designer. Yeah, I know it's total crap. I ain't proud of it. But in my defense it was 8 years ago. How many websites were YOU making 8 years ago? It wasn't 16 a day, I can bet you that.

::: posted by dan at 6:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Woof

This dog, a Neopolitan Mastiff, who has not been photoshopped in any way, won Best of Breed at Westminster. I'd hate to see the Worst of Breed.

::: posted by dan at 3:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

The News, Australian Style

Maybe the sexual connotation of certain words just isn't as strong in Australia as it is in America. Or maybe Australians are just perverts with an awesome sense of humor.

Click here to see what I'm talking about.

And after that, you can read this article about a lady who found a penis in a ketchup bottle, from the same website.

::: posted by dan at 3:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Monday, February 14, 2005 :::

Just one more.

Pass it around. It lifts the spirits.

::: posted by dan at 5:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

HVD, yo!

Here are some heart-felt valentines that I've collected for you. Feel free to save them and send them to your significant others as symbols of your love and devotion:

Looking for something even creepier? There are LOTS here.

::: posted by dan at 9:54 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Thursday, February 10, 2005 :::

Chaos at IKEA

North London IKEA Opening Erupts into Riot

Do you think these kind of people are normal in every day life? Or are they always borderline rabid? I don't think I could ever get that frenzied over a Poäng chair or anything else no matter how hard I tried or how bad I wanted one. Which I don't.

I hope the three dollar desk lap was worth it. That spazzy-looking brit in the last pic needs a good wallop.

::: posted by dan at 4:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments

Wednesday, February 09, 2005 :::

I'd make a bad joke about Queen Kong but that would just be really lame.

I think it's funny what this article doesn't really want to say out loud but clearly implies: gay ape. Right down to the delicately put last line.

A virgin at 23, male silverback makes mild debut at S.F.

A couple highlights:

...One thing is clear: [Oscar] is still a virgin at 23, spurned repeatedly by the four females in Buffalo, who preferred a short, dumpy ape called Omega.

...Oscar knows what sex is. As a youngster in Gorilla World, he used to watch Kubi in action, and he'd hear the insatiable Omega's amorous bouts in Buffalo.

The article makes gorilla nightlife seem totally swinging. Apparently everybody does it with everybody. Except Oscar, of course.

Update: Gay Penguins

::: posted by dan at 10:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Costly Mistakes

I always make stupid mistakes that end up costing me bunches of monies. For example:

1. Back when Y2K was approaching and all things millenial were cool and stuff, I proudly spent $60 to register the domain name thirdmillenium.net. I was shocked it hadn't already been registered. Then I realized that millenium is actually spelled millennium.

2. A few years ago I went against every instinct in my gut and spent $90 on an extended service contract for a surround sound system at Best Buy. Of course, the system broke, so I brought it into the store for repairs. Over two months later, I finally got it back, only without the remote and even more busted than it ever was before.

3. A door-to-door firewood salesman (yeah, I didn't know they existed either) came to my house a couple months ago and offered to sell me a cord of wood for $130. I talked the guy down to $100, thinking I was an expert negotiator, and he delivered the wood right to my storage space. It wasn't until the next day that I found out that a cord is actually 128 cubic feet of wood and usually costs around $75. I got about 36 cubic feet.

And here is the latest:

The day after my last Hewlett Packard Desktop had a catastrophic crash for the third time, I ran out and replaced it with: a Hewlett Packard Laptop. Eight months later, the power port for the laptop is failing and I have to ship it off for repairs. Now they are telling me that they will have to erase the entire harddrive to troubleshoot the problem. So basically I gave Hewlett Packard $2,500 for a second chance to fail me. And the withdrawl I have from my laptop being so far away from me is giving me the shakes.

::: posted by dan at 9:41 AM :: [ link ] :: (30) comments

Best. Episode. Ever.

Not only is Rory's "no-strings" college sluttiness starting to blossom into overdrive, but Queen Bee Emily is back, and a wedding reception erupts into drunken awkwardness in what must have been the best Gilmore Girls episode in a long time.

Entertainment Weekly had an article this week about how the show was almost cancelled last year after their viewership dropped 20% and some head honcho at the WB just didn't appreciate the show's appeal or understand how to market it (which I assume is how we got the lesbian kiss Gilmore-Girls-Gone-Wild promos last year). But there is a new head honcho at the WB, viewership is back, and the show's creator says that she wants to keep the show going at least through Rory's college graduation and that she has the series finale already plotted out in her head, right down to the last two words. If they are anywhere near as good as the last two words on last night's episode, then we gots nothing to worry about.

"You and me... we're done." That was a gut-punch, but it was awesome.

::: posted by dan at 9:12 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Monday, February 07, 2005 :::

Creepy Lookalike Babies

Some baby magazine had a special photo spread about babies who look like celebrities. I don't know if I'm posting this because I think it's ridiculous or because some of them are kind of funny, because normally I hate cute baby humor. Click on the example below to see more creepy celebrity lookalike babies:

Click on image for more.

I don't know about you but I'd be pissed off if someone told me my baby looked like Danny Devito.

::: posted by dan at 9:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Bulgegate

This is an interesting article summarizing the quashed news story about how Bush cheated and wore a wire during the presidential debates. I wouldn't be surprised if he did, especially with his weird behavior during the first debate, but even more interesting is how people suggest that perhaps it was all orchestrated by the Bush administration so that they would be able to dismiss accusers as being conspiracy theorist nutjobs. It's how you win elections in the new millennium: misdirection and character assassination. It hurts my head.

Anyway, the article even has that cool NASA enhanced photo of his back.

::: posted by dan at 9:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Living in the future.

When I was little and I thought about how cool the future was gonna be, I always pictured three things; 1) Flying cars, 2) Holographic videogame rooms and 3) TVs you could hang on the wall like pictures. All we got so far are the wall TVs, which were pretty much the least exciting of the three, but at least it's a start. Plus, they are even cooler than I ever imagined they would be, like this one that doubles as a mirror when it's not on. I totally ~~want~~ need one:

I never pictured the internet though. Or George Foreman grills. Those were a surprise to me.

::: posted by dan at 8:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Friday, February 04, 2005 :::

Bad Habits

I crack my knuckles a lot, whistle subconsciously, and compulsively clear my throat, but at least I don't chew my nails:

::: posted by dan at 11:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Tag, I'm It.

I got tagged for this music quiz by Big Lug, so here goes:

1. Total amount of music files on my computer:
12.2 Gigs (2625 songs)

2. The last CD I bought was:
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning by Bright Eyes, but I haven't listened to it yet.

3. The last song I listened to before reading this message:
I Don't Blame You by Cat Power

4. 5 songs I often listen to or that mean a lot to me:

1. The Engine Driver by The Decemberists because it makes me sad and I like sad music.

2. King's Crossing by Elliott Smith because it makes me sad and I like sad music.

3. Let Down by Radiohead because it makes me sad and I like sad music.

4. Wicked Little Town by Hedwig and the Angry Inch because it makes me sad and I like sad music.

5. Brand New Colony by The Postal Service because it's happy and I listen to too much sad music.

My Current Five Favorite Bands:
Radiohead
The Decemberists
Elliott Smith
The Shins
Rufus Wainwright

Five Songs for Shaking My Ass:
Yeah by Usher
Filthy Gorgeous by The Scissor Sisters
1976 by RJD2
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight by The Postal Service
Cvalda by Bjork

Five CDs I Think Everyone Should Own:
When The Pawn by Fiona Apple
Chutes Too Narrow by The Shins
To Bring You My Love by PJ Harvey
Hour of the Bewilderbeast by Badly Drawn Boy
OK Computer by Radiohead

Five Songs that I Love to Sing Really Loudly:
Say It Again by Badly Drawn Boy
Knock Yourself Out by Jon Brion
Second Hand Affairs by Sondre Lerche
Beautiful Child by Rufus Wainwright
Your Cover's Blown by Belle and Sebastian

5. Who am I going to pass this stick to? (3 persons) and why?
Stacy, Kiddo, and Furry, because I don't know many people with blogs, but everyone else can copy and paste the post above and give your answers in the comments section if you want. I like to know people's taste in music because it reminds me how much better mine is. Kidding.

::: posted by dan at 10:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Jesus is a ball hog.

There's one in every gym class.

You can buy this, and many many other equally gagworthy Inspirational Jesus Sports Statues at catholicshopper.com. No offense to the sports-loving Christians out there. [thanks dm for the link]

::: posted by dan at 6:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Thursday, February 03, 2005 :::

The many faces of dan.

I plugged my photo into the St. Andrews Face Transformer and it pooped out some interesting, if somewhat curiously offensive, variations of dan:

::: posted by dan at 1:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Sexy Monkeys

I think scientific studies like this kick ass. From nature.com:

Monkeys pay for sexy pics

A US study has shown that rhesus macaques will pay to look at images of powerful or sexually interesting fellows... Male monkeys will 'pay' in fruit juice to look at a picture of a female's hindquarters.

I like to imagine monkeys ogling pictures like the one on the left in some sleazy Sex World video booth. That image is not my handiwork, by the way. I found it on Google by typing in Sexy Monkey. Helena Bonham Carter, eat your heart out.

::: posted by dan at 1:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Wednesday, February 02, 2005 :::

Pretty in Pink

Last night I dreamed that I was Molly Ringwald. I remember being really sad that no one ever called me to participate in the celebrity Tsunami benefit. I don't know how close it comes to reality, but in my dream world it was really sad being Molly Ringwald. Plus I totally had diarrhea.

Anyway, I think this calls for a little photoshopping.

Woah, that turned out WAY more disturbing than I thought it would. I was much prettier in my dream.

::: posted by dan at 3:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

My home done got stoled.

This is what you get when your house comes with wheels.

Family Looking for Answers... And Their Home

via Grow-a-Brain

::: posted by dan at 3:24 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005 :::

If I Ran Hollywood

All due respect to Kevin James (now there's a phrase I never thought I'd utter), but there are some things that just aren't funny in movies anymore. Such as:

1. Men getting their backs waxed.
2. White men dancing badly to hip-hop, even if it's Usher.
3. Swollen-face food allergy jokes.
4. Will Smith

::: posted by dan at 11:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

PYT

Every time Michael Jackson makes the news (like as his trial begins this week), I see this link plastered all over the web. And every time I see it, I can't look away. It's endlessly fascinating. A theoretical Micheal Jackson age progression, sans surgery:

Looks like they didn't factor in that weird skin whitening disease he always claims to have, though. And they could've picked a more flattering haircut. But whatever. From Forartist.

::: posted by dan at 11:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments