planetdan

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 :::

Splash Day

Just in case you missed this like I did. My coworker was kind enough to send it to me. Just for the last line:

GALVESTON, Texas — President Bush drew laughs from his audience Tuesday when he asked whether the Galveston area still hosts "Splash Day."

The annual beach party that dates to the 1950s does live on -- but now as an unofficial gay and lesbian event.

In town to speak about Social Security, Bush told the crowd: "I want to thank the mayor for being here -- Lyda Ann Thomas greeted me coming in. I said, 'Do you still have Splash Day?'"

The crowd laughed. "You have to be a baby boomer to know what I'm talking about," Bush said. The crowd laughed again.

Splash Day once marked the end of school and the beginning of summertime fun. The city backed off from it many years ago when it turned a little too wild, says Christy Benson of the Galveston Chamber of Commerce. It later became a party day for gays and lesbians.

Drawing another round of laughter, Bush said: "I'm not saying whether I came or not on Splash Day. I'm just saying, 'Do you have Splash Day?'"

And it goes well with this image that was posted in my comments yesterday.

::: posted by dan at 3:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 :::

My friends are deep.

Direct quote from a wine-fueled K-mack this evening:

"You know what I think? I think The Matrix is real, and the real Matrix made up the movie Matrix just to fool us."

::: posted by dan at 10:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Um, bad taste.

I'm not trying to be funny, but someone over at the Minneapolis Star Tribune needs a little sensitivity training I think:

::: posted by dan at 5:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Sunday, April 24, 2005 :::

Ew.

If you really want to freak people out next year, you should carve watermelons instead of pumpkins for Halloween:

[FP]

I would name her Burn Unit Betty.

::: posted by dan at 4:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

Public Access Television

These have been going around the web for a while because they are so awesome:

My Name is John Daker

Be sure to click on the first media file and watch poor John butcher "Amore". Also, Pearl Gross puts on one hell of a standup routine. I hope someone somewhere is archiving all public access television programs. Stuff like this should never be forgotten.

::: posted by dan at 4:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Massage = Uneventful

I got my first massage ever on Saturday. It was an hour long and moderately relaxing, but sadly enough, it was uneventful and not as life-altering as I was expecting. I barely even got a good 15 minutes of sustained euphoria after the whole experience. Of course, that may be because I got a haircut immediately after, and my stylist "Luba" (who spoke like Kraus from Benson and looked like a haggard flight attendant) killed my buzz. I was a tad worried she wasn't understanding my haircut suggestions and I could feel the tension creeping back into my shoulders.

Not that it matters if I get a bad haircut, since it always basically looks the same. And even though I always get the same exact style and length of cut, I still have this conversation multiple times upon returning to work the following day:

Coworker: Did you get a haircut?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: It's short.
Me: Thanks?

::: posted by dan at 1:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Friday, April 22, 2005 :::

I'm short.

I went out for drinks with some friends last night and as we were leaving one bar, the biggest diesel-powered Hummer I've ever seen pulled up to the valet parking station and out stepped the most ginormous man I've ever laid eyes on. One of my friends was apparently acquainted with him, so he stepped up onto the curb next to me to chat with her. Here is a diagram of how it probably looked to passersby:

So they chatted for a while. He couldn't take his eyes off of my friend's big fake breasts. Then he left, throwing me an almost imperceptible yet friendly nod while allowing just the slightest bit of eye contact. I think he could tell I was a wee bit intimidated. Turns out it was this guy, who is apparently some sort of basketball player for the Timberwolves and fake boob enthusiast:

Anyway, I'm real short.

::: posted by dan at 4:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

My plan to score free Taco Bell for life.

I came across this sign at the Taco Bell over lunch today:

I wasn't sure what to think. Does this mean that the workers behind the counter will force-feed themselves any bad half-eaten tacos they get complaints about? Like some sort of retro-punishment for a job badly done? Or are they just trying to score some free burritos, as if to say "Hey, if you ain't gonna eat that, we certainly will. There's starving children in China, you know."

Upon further inspection, the sign seems to imply that they will simply pay for your unsatisfactory taco, and by saying "eat it", they simply mean they will eat the cost of the unsavory Chalupa (as if there is such a thing). But the sign is still really vague about it. I think with such vague terms, I could easily walk in, gnaw and lick my way through half a taco, complain to the staff about its quality, and squawk about truth-in-advertising and civil lawsuits until the president of Taco Bell himself is forced to either eat it or supply me with free Taco Bell for life. It's just a fantasy, but I think it would rule.

::: posted by dan at 4:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, April 20, 2005 :::

Pimp My Pizza Cutter

This guy makes some pretty extreme looking pizza cutters. Check it out:

Click here to see more of them. I like the red one, too. They even got shocks and suspension and stuff.

::: posted by dan at 5:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

School's in session.

So much for storing bottled water in my overheated trunk all summer. When heated, the plastic used in most water bottles can "leach" trace chemicals into the liquid, including synthetic estrogen. So then it is proven: drink warm Aquafina and grow breasts.

Okay, I may have embellished the growing breasts part, but here are my resources:
Link.
Link.

::: posted by dan at 3:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (0) comments

Gilmore Girls Round-up

It's been a while since we had a good ol' Gilmore Girls discussion, but since we got ~~new~~ fresh episodes in the mix for the next few weeks, I thought I would say that last night's episode felt as if it was laying the groundwork for a pretty dramatic season finale (the rumors have been flyin' on the innerwebs). My favorite parts of the episode were Paris' drunken barefoot quarter frenzy, and the fact that Lorelie actually went out of her way to spare her mother's feelings. But Lane thinking her boyfriend was going out with Carole King was pretty far-fetched, even while drunk, and the return of Dean was unwelcome and pointless (as if Luke would ever believe that Lorelie would find Stars Hollow "too slow").

Oh, and shut up you nonbelievers, Gilmore Girls is a good show. Even for grown men.

::: posted by dan at 2:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Post Modern Bathroom Etiquette

Saying "Gesundheit" or "Bless-You" after someone sneezes has become so obligatory that sincere shock and an offended attitude always follow when I don't receive one or the other. (I always opt for the non-secular "Gesundsheit"). But I don't know where proper etiquette ends, because I was at the urinal a minute ago and I sneezed (which was akward enough, in regards to bad timing for uncontrollable full-body convulsions), and some ghostly voice from the bathroom stalls said "Gesundheit". I just assumed that bathroom stall etiquette (i.e. being completely silent and pretending you're not there) would override the Gesundheit etiquette. I guess not. But then I was even more perplexed about my appropriate response. Was I supposed to shout "Thank you!" over the stall door? I just cleaned up and took off as if I never heard it in the first place, which I think was the wisest solution.

::: posted by dan at 1:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 :::

How to win over dan thru advertising.

I never thought I'd say this about a wireless commercial, but my favorite advertisement right now is Sprint's "It was all Wendy's fault..." commercial. It's not really all that cleverly written or conceived, but the execution is flawless. (Right click here to download it if you don't know what I'm talking about).

Poor Wendy. Always taking the blame. I don't know what it is about her, but she's got my support. B* agrees with me. We all need to stand up for poor defenseless Wendy.

I also have to admit I like the Old Navy "Bust a Tunic" campaign, just because it's so absurd.

On the flip side, I think the commercial where the girl plugs the hole in the sinking rowboat with her tampon is really grody and disturbingly visualized. I also think the Kotex commercials with the bouncing red dot are inappropriate and shocking. It's fascinating that a company would want its official mascot to be a dancing drop of menstrual blood, but not so fascinating that I don't have to blind my eyes every time it's on TV.

::: posted by dan at 10:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments

Maintain your sexy.

Has anyone seen the P. Diddy Proactiv infomercial yet? Move over, Judith Light, there is a new spokesman in town, and he's got the gift of gab:

Moisturize your situation... today! He also says something about getting his "skin game on," but try as I might to remember the exact quote, I just can't seem to do it. It's too bad that the P. Diddy commercial is not yet available for viewing on the Proactiv website, but the Jessica Simpson one is there, and she lets her big secret slip: her chin acne has to be digitally removed from her "music" videos. Gasp! I'm sure that's not the only digital improvement to be found in those videos, either. There probably isn't an original pixel left after post-production gets through with her.

::: posted by dan at 3:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Monday, April 18, 2005 :::

It's that season again.

Kickball is starting up again. Apparently this year we are actually going to practice first. A new logo was requested, so I got another opportunity to de-vulgarize our team name through design. At least this year's logo no longer has Cooter's leering face:

I could use some practice. I'm still scared of the ball.

::: posted by dan at 10:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

PLEASE HELP

There's ouchie in my head. I feel like an imbecile:

Count the little guys and then watch the picture until it shifts, and count the little guys again. Where does one go? I don't get it. I've seen this stupid puzzle a million times since I was little and I still can't figure the damn thing out. It's about time someone gives me a suitable explanation.

::: posted by dan at 1:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Friday, April 15, 2005 :::

Tina come get some ham.

Worth1000 had a Visual Pun photoshop contest, most of which were pretty lame, but I really appreciated this one:

Title: Dali Llama.

If you're confused about why I think this is funny, this may help. You can view more of the submitted visual puns here, but like I said: mostly not so punny.

Speaking of llamas, does anyone remember the Sesame Street skit where the girl takes her pet llama to the dentist? I think I found the lyrics they sing during the segment, but I sure wish I could find a video of it, just to prove to myself that I'm not dreaming it all up.

::: posted by dan at 11:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Dan's kickin' out the jams!

Yay, new music in the juke! Let me know if you like any of them. -------->

I'm particularly fond of the new Nine Inch Nails and the Brendan Branson songs. And the Rhett Miller is an old favorite.

::: posted by dan at 3:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Thursday, April 14, 2005 :::

Yeeks.

Not right:
Mother suckles pet monkey

At least she's not suckling her five year old kid, like the lady we saw at the airport McDonald's last year who was suckling her son and then he sat himself up and finished his fries. There is a time to cut the cord when it comes to breastfeeding, and it is months and months prior to the point where your kid can sit comfortably in a normal adult-sized chair and feed himself a happymeal. B Stacy B will back me up.

::: posted by dan at 4:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 :::

I'm going to kick this guy in his groin all hard and stuff.

What would happen if that Verizon Wireless guy ever visited my house:

I know this because it is the exact same one-sided conversation I have daily with all my friends and coworkers. I can't get any signal at all on their crap network anywhere in my house and I practically live directly underneath a cell tower. What gives, jackass? How come people can hear you in some cave or in some ladies bathroom somewhere, but they couldn't in a million years hear you from my living room?

P.S. That really is my living room. I am a photoshop mastah!

::: posted by dan at 11:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

A Requiem for My Short-Term Memory

I forgot my locker combination at the gym yesterday. I've been using the same lock there for almost two years, but somehow the secret combination completely slipped my mind. My initial reaction was total panic. I thought "How am I supposed to get out of here without any clothes on?!?" but then I realized I was wearing the clothes I had just worked out in, and I was confusing my own situation with that of someone whose clothing has been stolen while they were showering. There was no need to panic about any sort of nudity.

So I asked one of the bulky trainers at the front desk if they had some tool to remove the lock, and three of them jumped at the chance to display their brawn. The winner was the guy who got to the tool cabinet first. On the way back to my locker he said "Do you have any ID in the locker to prove it's yours?" and I said that I did. It took him a few tries, but he was able to use the ginormous cutter tool to remove my lock. Then I realized I had left my ID and wallet out in the car. I offered to run out and get it, but he said "Naw, just tell me what's in your bag," and I said "Um, underwear and a towel." And he said "What color?" and I thought it was really strange that he was trying to identify me by the color of my underwear. So I said, "The towel or the underwear?" which made me wince the second after I said it because it almost sounded like a come-on, but he said "Either." I told him the towel was white and then we opened the bag for the big reveal... and it was blue. I could've sworn it was white, but then I also could've sworn that I knew my locker combination. So I had to go get my ID from the car.

The weird kismet thing about this story is that two days earlier I was cleaning out a desk drawer and found an old lock. Suddenly an old combination from highschool popped into my head. I tried it out and it worked. So apparently I can remember a combination from 15 years ago, but not one from three days ago. My short term memory is hosed.

::: posted by dan at 5:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Worst. Concert. Ever.

Nobody can deny that The Shins are a great band and they put out great CDs. I even think they are probably a great live band when you can actually hear them. But they either need to hire some new roadies or First Avenue needs to rewire their sound system because The Shins were barely audible over the loud buzzing from the speakers at the concert tonight. There were a few loud bitches convulsing to the music next to me, and at any other proper sounding concert, all loud bitches would be easily drowned out by the rawking music, but the sound at the concert tonight was so bad that all I could hear were the annoying girls squeeling about how cute lead-man James Mercer looked with his shaved face.

Okay, so it wasn't the worst concert I've ever seen. That honor goes to Lenny Kravitz back in 1993 (I was in college, cut me some slack), who played for 25 minutes, feigned having the flu, and then went and had a private all-night jam session with Prince (or so it was reported in the paper). But still, you should be able to hear a band when you attend a concert. I'm not an audiophile. A crappy mono ghetto blaster with one speaker will usually sound just as good to me as some nerdy high-fi sound system with all the bells and whistles, so when I complain about the sound quality at a concert, you know it must really suck. We even left before the encore, which is very un-dan-like.

So anyway, I'm really disappointed. I'm not even going to post a bad camera-phone picture of the concert. That's how bad it was. But I did buy a concert T-shirt, of course. I just got no willpower at all when it comes to that stuff.

Again, no offense to The Shins.

::: posted by dan at 12:47 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Sunday, April 10, 2005 :::

Best. Band. Ever.

I got me a brand new concert T-shirt and BigDubb scored me half a tambourine at the Decemberists concert in Minneapolis last night. I'm just a wee bit obsessed with the band right now, but I think I can objectively say that it was the best most awesomest concert ever put on by human kind, complete with sea chanties, audience participation, and spot-on Debra Winger impressions.

Look how hard I rock with my new Decemberists T-shirt and tambourine. I'm thinking about starting a band. Or at least joining the Decemberists, if they would have me:

That is my best pirate scowl. Needs work. I feel kinda bad taking half their tambourine after they already had all of their instruments and gear stolen last month, but I doubt the thing would be of much use to them anymore anyway. And at least at my house it will be worshipped nightly.

I attended the concert with B Stacy B, and although I felt bad her view of the show was obstructed by some obnoxious hippy broad, I didn't feel bad enough to offer her my seat. But she enjoyed the concert anyway, and we danced the night away afterwards. Saturday night concerts are the best.

::: posted by dan at 10:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Nugget

People keep posting garbage on eBay that looks like jesus or mary or the pope or whatever, in hopes of a $20,000 eBay payday like that lady who sold the virgin mary grilled cheese sandwich (and who eventually went on to sell the frying pan it was cooked in). But this is the first time I ever thought that the likeness was actually spooky.

What does this look like to you:

It's a chicken nugget that mysteriously looks like Garfield. You can bid on it here.

::: posted by dan at 9:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Friday, April 08, 2005 :::

Someone send in Sally Struthers, stat.

I don't know what language this is or what country has people so indigent that they need to recycle ratty old underwear into halter tops, I just know that I'm eternally grateful that I wasn't born there. Or maybe he's just really really frugal:

Clever. This guy should apply for the next Project Runway.

::: posted by dan at 8:46 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Thursday, April 07, 2005 :::

Flippity Flop

I was having a stupid day, and then I saw this:

Take me to the small animated .gif (.5MB)
Take me to the large animated .gif (1MB)

I will NEVER get tired of people falling down.

::: posted by dan at 2:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Name that movie.

Click for larger, if you need to. Or want to for some sick reason.

::: posted by dan at 12:37 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 :::

Logic is tough.

I like to think that I'm pretty rational and that I have a gift for logical thinking, but I got this very basic logic quiz wrong on the first try. Oopsie:

There are four cards. If a card has a vowel on one side, it must have an even number on the other. Out of the four cards below, which two cards would you need to turn over to test this rule?

Answer from Wikipedia: E (via modus ponens) and 7 (via modus tollens). Most chose E and 4, committing the logical fallacy of affirming the consequent, and choosing a test that might confirm but which could never falsify the hypothesis.

See? I'm dumb. Speaking of logic and Wikipedia, you should also read the definitions of all the logical fallacies that people make when trying to debate or argue. You know those people who start a heated debate about some hot-topic media event and then try to prove their point by making some ridiculous illogical arguement or personal attack or irrational statement that doesn't adhere to the constraints of logical thinking? And politicians? Logical fallacies are their bread and butter. They think you won't catch on to their false logic, but some people out there actually understand this stuff. They will also help you critically analyze "fair and balanced" news reports and op-ed pieces. Not that you should be reading op-ed pieces because your mind will go to mush if you do that too often.

I wish my brain could hold all of this important information.

::: posted by dan at 11:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Sense Memory

Nostalgia is so 2002. Most of my childhood fads and obsessions have already been covered to death on all of those VH1 specials, except one: scratch 'n' sniff stickers. I had a big book to display my collection and would meet up regularly for intense sticker trading sessions with Michael Throndsen and his little sister Lori (who would vomit at the drop of a hat. I mean it, I must've seen that girl hurl thirty times). Anyway, today I found this site that catalogs all the old smelly stickers and the wave of nostalgia hit me like a truck. Even creepier, the sense memory of each smell of every single sticker came rushing back like it was yesterday. I can still smell that spicy Taco sticker, or the rancid Rootbeer mug. Or the one on the left, which smelled like gin and was my favorite.

But this one brings back the strongest memories:

Appropriately enough, it stunk like ass, and my friend Cory Hendricks got a pack of like 100 of them and stuck them all on a single folder (which was horrifying and akin to removing a Star Wars Figure from its mint package). Then he took both hands and scratched the whole thing with utter abandon until his entire house was cloudy with the stench. My eyes still water from the memory. That's when his mother, Lou, ran in and scolded him by making him remove all of the offending stickers (in order to salvage the 29 cent folder) and throw them all away. Then she made me go home for encouraging him. It was lame.

I wish I still had my sticker book. I don't know where it went.

P.S. As a child I also played with Go-Bots and Star Wars Toys and The Stretch Monster, so I wasn't a complete sticker-trading pansy.

::: posted by dan at 9:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Tuesday, April 05, 2005 :::

Speaking of weird dreams...

I just got this email from K-Mack:

I had a dream last night that I went to an Applebee's conference at some hotel in Florida, and the hotel was so fancy that they put gold fish in the toilets.

I told her that her subconscious concept of "fancy" was really disturbing.

::: posted by dan at 1:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Twist Endings

M. Night Shyamlan's next movie project has been announced. It's apparently about a superintendent who finds a sea nymph in the building's swimming pool (no joking). Since Shyamalan is well known for "ending his movies with fantastic, breathtaking, totally unbelievable and sometimes quite retarded plot twists," the people at Fametracker have decided to create some betting odds on what the twist of the sea nymph might be, although I'm not sure a movie about a sea nymph living in a swimming pool actually requires a twist ending. Anyway, here are some of my favorite theories in their odds list:

The sea nymph has superpowers but is vulnerable to water: 7 to 2

The sea nymph was dead all along: 6 to 1

The sea nymph's mother was dead all along - just a wig and a rocking chair:
12 to 1

The sea nymph isn't real, but is actually the village idiot, dressed up in straw and blankets: 15 to 1

It turns out Paul Giamatti is trapped on a planet of sea nymphs, who've actually "discovered" him - who's the sea nymph now?: 17 to 1

The sea nymph is really a Sea Monkey - and they're all in a giant aquarium!: 2 to 1

The sea nymph is Keyser Soze: 50 to 1

The sea nymph leads Paul Giamatti to an enormous statue of Aperaham Lincoln: 25 to 1

That last one cracks me up. Actually, I like all of M. Night's movies. Yes, even The Village. But it's still a funny list [thanks to J-D]. Read them all here.

::: posted by dan at 12:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Monday, April 04, 2005 :::

The Legacy of Dan Miller

In my neverending quest to dominate the web, I constantly monitor the Google search results for "Dan Miller", patiently awaiting the moment where I am #1. I've yet to actually be listed in any results, but I did find this tidbit about a fellow Dan Miller, AKA "Dangerous Danny", the Boss Jock:

P.S. He's a Taurus. And a photogenic one at that.

::: posted by dan at 5:07 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Huh? What?

Apparently Hotmail wants to increase security by implementing an anti-automation feature that even the most intelligent human would have a hard time deciphering. I hate these things. Take a look at this image and give it your best guess: what is a letter and what is a squiggle? It's a total crapshoot. All this just to send a damned email.

I know the answer. First person to get it right wins.

::: posted by dan at 1:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Har Mar

First Avenue is a famous club in Minneapolis. You may know it from Purple Rain, where Prince rawked with the Revolution. It's also where Har Mar Superstar performed his energetic routine with Ben Lee and a sorry crowd of smokeless sad sacks last night. Not that I'm unhappy the smoking ban in Minneapolis went into effect last week, but the crowd at the Har Mar concert was considerably less rowdy than usual.

He was surely a crowd-pleaser, though. "I'm going to play three songs, then I'm going to leave and come back and play two more, cuz that's how I roll," he flat out stated. I must say that I was a bit disappointed that Har Mar's entire band consisted of just a drummer and a bass player. If there ever was a live act that screamed for over-the-top dancers, back-up singers, and maybe a few more actual instruments, it's Har Mar. But he did his thing, at one point removing his Elvis coat and peeling off his wife-beater until he was nothing but a shirtless, tight-pantsed Ron Jeremy Junior. And he belted out his infectious tunes with the confidence that a chunky balding near-midget would never normally have, so I gotta give him considerable praise. Shirtless and sweaty on stage for a good hour, he woulda done Prince proud. I even got a signed poster for five measley bucks, and T-bone literally bought a concert T-shirt off of a roadie's back, pit stains and all. So all in all it was an interesting evening. I just wish that they wouldn't schedule concerts on Sundays. Who wants to get crazy on a Sunday night? Not me. But then I'm 30 years old.

This is yet another bad camera phone pic showing you last night's concert:

::: posted by dan at 12:25 AM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments