planetdan

Tuesday, May 31, 2005 :::

Amy Poehler is kinda funny.

Even though Saturday Night Live isn't anything resembling funny anymore, I still love Amy Poehler. Here is a quote from her Q&A session with Time Magazine:

Will Ferrell just came back to be a host of the show. Does he have a big head now?

Oh, he's absolutely impossible to work with. When I first saw him, he handed me a hundred-dollar bill and said, "Go get me some coffee." And I was like, "Do you want change?" And he said, "I have no idea what coffee costs anymore."

I like her little girl Caitlin character a lot, too, and her Michael Jackson impression. Plus, she was in Wet Hot American Summer and is set to star in Southland Tales. I'd totally have her babies.

::: posted by dan at 9:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Name That Tune

Bad puns are almost better than good ones. Worth1000 had yet another Photoshop contest (brought to my attention by Grow-A-Brain) where participants had to recreate song titles using imagery. The majority of them are horrible, mostly due to the fact that there are a few too many Greenday fans out there. I think the point of the contest was probably to choose song titles that people have heard of and therefore might actually be able to guess, but maybe I ask too much. Anyway, I thought these two entries understood the concept best:

I also got all the Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds ones right. And there were quite a few of them. And just in case you didn't get the two above: Footloose and St. Elmo's Fire. See the rest.

::: posted by dan at 8:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Hey, I know you!

Look who moved in down the block from me! It's my old friend Michelle Hummel! Actually, this is the bus stop two blocks from my house, but it was strange to drive by and see my former coworker's face smiling at me from under a cigarette butt. She was in a Best Buy commercial once, too. I'm such a celebrity whore that I take some weird sort of pride in knowing her even though it's not like we ever hung out or anything. I worked with her a few years ago, but she has since moved to California to make it big, so it was nice to see her again.

::: posted by dan at 8:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Things that look like penises.

This is a just-in-case-you-missed-it type of thing, since it's all over the web right now. It's a nice collection of unintentionally suggestive logos. Reminds me of the subversive pulltab I got last year, or even this wincingly distasteful Darth Vader coloring book drawing (which is only made creepier by the fact that they are actually father and daughter). Also included is the famous Oriental Logo that revolutionized accidental pornography a couple months ago:

The B3ta Phallic Logo Awards

::: posted by dan at 8:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Monday, May 30, 2005 :::

Shutterbug

I'm the most obnoxious man on the planet with a camera. Everybody hates me at parties and events. Two cases in point: there are new pictures in my pics section, one of K-Mack's 30th birthday, and one of B*s 30th birthday. B* hates it when I take pictures so much that he has been known to pour a drink into my lap if I even dare to point the camera in his direction. So on his birthday I only took 6 pictures, fearing a wet crotch. On the opposite side of the spectrum is K-Mack's birthday. I took hundreds of pictures, and if you look at the gallery, you will see how by the end of the evening everyone is either giving me dirty looks, blocking my shot with their hand, or reaching for my camera just to make it stop. But at least no one poured a drink in my lap. Plus I was wearing a really cool shirt that night. So in the end, all pics are fun.

I spent a good portion of the Memorial Day Weekend organizing my digital pics, so I moved all the Kickball pics off of the pics page, because there is a new centralized location for anyone who cares about my kickball games: greasycooters.com.

::: posted by dan at 8:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Thursday, May 26, 2005 :::

Me, circa 1981.

Christmas 1981. Underoos and crocheted bunny slippers. Best. Christmas. Ever.

I'm glad I got the Superman undies. The Darth ones don't even make sense.

::: posted by dan at 9:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Home town pride!

I was having a frustrating day. But this image has eased my nerves.

[FP]

"Huh?" you may ask? A fellow Minneapolitan was on Letterman the other night showing off his hummingbird hat.

::: posted by dan at 5:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Pulp Simpsons

You'd think that mixing The Simpsons and Pulp Fiction would create a pop culture blackhole so powerful it would destroy everything in its path. I know it makes me dangerously close to being a comic book nerd, but I really like these. They were apparently drawn by the Simpsons animators and then leaked to the internet a few years ago. I would frame them if I could.

Is that Barney as the gimp?

See more of them.

::: posted by dan at 1:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Pubical Hair

This is from a newscast, so it's not too inappropriate, but I suppose its subject matter is not exactly suitable for work:

Videocast: Super Glue Attack

::: posted by dan at 12:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 :::

The Passion, as interpreted by Bonkers the Clown

I'd hate to see the clown that made her this:

[FP]

How do you nail a balloon jesus to a balloon cross? Genius.

::: posted by dan at 12:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Even more bad ideas in target marketing.

Because those poor adulterers have been under-represented in the greeting card industry for far too long:

Love Notes for Lotharios
When cheating on your spouse, what kind of greeting card is appropriate for your paramour? Try a selection from Cathy Gallagher's new "Secret Lover" collection. The Gazette reports that the Maryland resident created the cards after noting how many friends were having affairs, and how few greeting-card options were available to adulterers. "This way they have a way to express their feelings," says Gallagher. "I feel like I'm helping them." One holiday card begins, "As we each celebrate with our families, I will be thinking of you." An office-romance card laments, "I used to look forward to the weekends, but since we met they now seem like an eternity."

More here.

::: posted by dan at 12:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Actors that know they suck.

Some quotes from msnbc.com: Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t give her performances very good reviews. In fact, she says she can’t stand to watch herself. "It just makes me freak out and think how terrible I am," Paltrow said.

That makes two of us.

Hayden Christensen might hang up his light saber and get out of the acting business. "Maybe the new 'Star Wars' will be my last movie," Christensen told Britain's The Sun. "I don’t find Hollywood interesting, so I’m thinking about studying architecture instead."

He's inspired by concrete and wood. So is his acting.

Speaking of actors, I know we've all seen those PlanetHollywood celebrity highschool photos, but I saw some online again and forgot how badly some of them frighten me. Ben Stiller and Jerry Seinfeld actually give me a sour tummy:

And even more disturbing is Glenn Close:

Fatal attraction, indeed. There's more here if you want.

::: posted by dan at 10:17 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Monday, May 23, 2005 :::

Single White Calf-Roper

K-mack got a note from a secret admirer while at a dive bar the other night. It listed his name, age, profession, phone number, and a short list of what he believes to be his best attributes. I've blurred out the parts that might get him recognized:

If I'm not mistaken, he's a Calf Roper from a Pro-Rodeo (?) Family with a Horse Trainer for a Dad. Sadly, K-mack never got to see the guy because she got the note from her server, but Chad sounds like a catch. It's not every day you meet a calf-roping son of a pro-rodeo horse trainer. K-mack may finally get her pony after all.

::: posted by dan at 1:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Sunday, May 22, 2005 :::

Before there was Photoshop.

Back in the days before Photoshop was bootlegged onto every desktop computer in America, you had to go to the mall for a funny picture of someone's head on someone else's body. So that's what my friend K-mack did, back in 1992:

Sexy swimsuit and headband. Grrrr. Anyway, today is K-mack's birthday. Last night we went to Mojito, a trendy frou-frou restaurant where the signature meal is a $32.00 three course meat-fest served by a gaucho, which was explained to us as being "your own private Latin cowboy", and indeed there were gauchos walking around with spits of meat everywhere you looked. But I felt a little uncomfortable ordering a gaucho so I just got the flank steak. It was underwhelming.

Anyway, happy birthday K-mack.

::: posted by dan at 6:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Flag!

A clever bumper sticker from Cafepress.com. Heh:

[FP]

Bumper sticker jingoism totally rules because it acts as a clear marker for morons. It's like they are branding themselves. I, for one, am glad for the helpful indicator.

Painted patriotic poodles need no bumper stickers:

::: posted by dan at 5:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Thursday, May 19, 2005 :::

Support Our Wookies

Star Wars III opens today, which is one of those movies that only excites me in a nostalgic way. Just the mention of anything Star Wars, and I revert into a mangy-haired 7-year-old in the Target toy aisle, begging for my first Jawa action figure. I was rabid for Star Wars. I've never loved shiny molded colored plastic as much as I did then.

But things are way more complicated now. I could barely even follow the plot of the last Star Wars movie, and now it's getting all politimacized, with people claiming that Revenge of the Sith is actually just a disguised metaphor for the Bush Vader Administration and the Iraqi quagmire. Wookies don't belong in Iraqi quagmires. Some people are even saying that this movie is what will finally make the movie-going masses second-guess their beloved Bush by comparing him with a certain black-helmeted evil. I'll be embarrassed if the wake-up call that America finally responds to comes from a Star Wars movie. But whatever works, I guess. Someone else said it better on another site when they said: I've pretty much always heard the Imperial March in my head whenever I saw Bush walking [anyway]. Which is pretty funny if you can hear that song in your head so clearly like I can.

So the intention of this post is to bring Star Wars back to its most basic level, where it belongs: mindless entertainment. So go buy your dog a princess Leia slave girl costume:

and remember that stormtroopers are way more laid back than insurgents:

::: posted by dan at 1:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 :::

Gilmore Girls Send Off

I'm very sad about GG being over for the season. I'm having a bit of separation anxiety. I know I have my DVD sets to keep my company all summer long, but it's just not the same. But at least it was a good finale to probably the best season yet (well, tied with Season One anyway), and although it focused a little bit too much on Lane and her band going on tour (because honestly, who cares), it rallied at the end.

I'm not sure how I feel about Rory quitting Yale after one harsh critique, because it didn't really seem that in character considering Rory's usual career drive. But the drama and tension it created between her and her mom is brilliant, and after such a rough season for Lorelie and Emily, the producers still had the balls to pile the anger and distrust even higher. Sigh. I love you Gilmore Girls.

I saw the big proposal coming from miles and miles away, so that was no surprise, but it was done so well that it seemed sincere. All in all, it was a great season capper.

Now only if I could find a picture of shirtless Kirk from the last episode. I want to tape it to my mirror so that if I ever feel bad about how scrawny I look in a swimsuit, I can look at that picture and think about how it could always be worse. A lot worse. A lot lot worse.

Update: Thanks to the anonymous poster in the comments, here is the picture of Kirk that is so good for my own self esteem:

::: posted by dan at 2:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 :::

Trying not to read too much into it...

Speaking of unbelieveable creepy things that are supposed to be cute:

::: posted by dan at 12:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Monday, May 16, 2005 :::

The Big Wu

We keep getting mail at my house for somebody named "The Big Wu". At first I thought maybe it was a reference to this guy:

...but then I remembered that he's The Big Ragu. There was a local band called The Big Wu if I remember correctly. But besides that I'm at a loss. So if anyone knows of a "Big Wu" residing in Minneapolis, tell 'em I got their mail.

::: posted by dan at 9:54 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Attack of the Clones

I love it when things that are supposed to be cute turn out to be unbelievably creepy. This is the case with all clowns, most porcelain dolls, and apparently Bob Byerley paintings:

I don't know what's creepier: the little girls' mom hair, their deviant grins, or the sick monster baby they seem so happy to be siring.

You can see more of his paintings here. He is known as The Painter of Our American Childhood... and Dan's Worst Nightmares.

::: posted by dan at 9:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

Truce.

Bikers are a sensitive bunch.

::: posted by dan at 9:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments

Friday, May 13, 2005 :::

I hate motorcycles.

With apologies to my one motorcycle owning friend Eric: I hate motorcycles. I guess I just don't understand the allure of owning a loud vibrating metal deathtrap with a low storage capacity that in Minneapolis can only really be driven three or four months out of the year. Why do jocks look at motorcyclists and think "Gee, I wish I were that guy," especially when the typical motorcycle owner is either a hirsute grampa in a dirty bandana, a white-trash meth addict on a crotch-rocket, or a 45-year-old NASCAR dad with the prerequisite leather fetish?

But I have reasons for hating motorcycles beyond the aforementioned prejudices and stereotypes. For instance, they sneakily hide in parking spots at the mall where you can't see them until it's too late and you've already begun your turn into the space, so you try to quickly back out while you still have room to maneuver. But it's too late, some old lady has already pulled too far up behind you in the parking lot and blocked you in, and so has the person behind her, and so has the person behind that person and so on, so you have to get out of your car and gesture wildly for all the cars to back up so that you can pull out. Most of whom aren't paying attention so much honking ensues. Then all of the affected drivers give you dirty looks, as if backing up is the most exhaustingly strenuous task on the planet. And finally, all the pissed-off drivers have to drive past your abandoned spot and see the hidden motorcycle and secretly laugh at your idiocy. Which is of course what happened to me today.

Plus motorcycles aren't even that cool looking, mechanically. Take this one for instance, which makes it look like the rider is doing it doggie-style with a headless, armless lady robot:

Okay, admittedly that is pretty cool, but still. Motorcycles are pointless.

::: posted by dan at 3:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (63) comments

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 :::

Animal Cruelty

Where do you even get a full-body spandex stretch-suit for a dog? I like this pic because he looks pissed. Or at the very least mortified. Poor pooch.

[FP]

::: posted by dan at 1:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

I watch too much TV apparently.

I had a dream last night that I was on the production crew for America's Next Top Model, and Tyra Banks declared that she required all of her crew to be "fierce", so she gave me a vase and told me to carry it back and forth across the room so that she could judge from my walk if I was fierce enough to work for her. I tried to be poised and model-esque, but I was tripping and just being generally uncoordinated and then my feet got caught up in a long cord from an iron that was on a nearby table, and I had to remove my pants to get out of the tangle. Not fierce at all. So Tyra was giving me one of her lame speeches about how hard this job is and about how I need to step up the competition when I noticed that K-mack was judging me too, and she said something like "When are we going to tell him? We should really tell him," and Tyra shouted "Now!" and that's when they swung open a door and there were crowds of people cheering for me outside. It was explained to me that the whole America's Next Top Model gig was just a ruse to distract me from the fact that they were planning a Miller Five reunion concert, a'la VH1's Bands Reunited show, and that I had to perform on the spot with my family in front of a big crowd. I was suprisingly excited to participate but I couldn't find my shoes. I ran around frantically looking for them, ignoring the fact that I still wasn't wearing pants, and then I ran outside and up to the stage entrance and was about to run out to face my adoring crowd when... my alarm went off.

I want desperately to know what song I was going to sing.

::: posted by dan at 1:17 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 :::

Kickballer

It was game number one of season three tonight for kickball. There are actually quite a few people on the team this year, which means dan is pretty superfluous outside of being the official logo designer. Last year we barely had enough people to play in each game, so they needed me regardless of my being inept in the field, simply to avoid forfeiture. But last week at the practice I was actually picked dead last for teams in a scrimmage. It was like elementary school gym class all over again. But that's okay. I'm a realist. Not everyone is meant to be good at sports. Or coordination. Or any physical activity at all for that matter. But there is still 3-2 beer, as shown below with T-bone. So it's all good.

Spot the dan:

::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Monday, May 09, 2005 :::

I'd Like To Teach The World to Sing

I put some songs I've been listening to lately into the jukebox. ----->

It's kind of an eclectic mix of old and new, including one of Sufjan's new songs(which is awesomely titled Come On Feel the Illinois), and yes, even the new Missy Elliot. She is supa dupa fly, after all.

::: posted by dan at 12:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Saturday, May 07, 2005 :::

Mystery Solved

It took a couple days for them to restucco my house. I was told they would need access to water and electricity for the job, but I always wondered what they did if they needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the day. There's not even a convenient filling station nearby and I certainly wasn't going to give them access to my house while I was away at work, but I think I figured it out while doing yardwork today:

Gross.

::: posted by dan at 10:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Friday, May 06, 2005 :::

My new and improved abode.

So these are actually two different pictures of my house, with an $8,000 difference between the two:

I had it restuccoed for the low low price of a nearly maxed-out home equity line of credit! You can't really tell from these disappointing pictures, but trust me, it's a major improvement.

::: posted by dan at 4:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

How to have your own late night talk show.

I will omit the name of the sender from the email I just received to spare the person's reputation, but I thought it was funny:

"Seriously, I have gone totally tarded. I can't remember a thing. I'm
surprised I can find my way home at night. I went to Target to get some
Ginko and forgot. I know, that is a really bad joke. But it happened for
real...now I am as funny as Jay Leno to boot."

Brent is right. Jokes like that Leno's bread and butter. Oops. Just gave away the secret sender. No worries, Brent, I'll go back and erase your name before I post.

::: posted by dan at 4:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Thursday, May 05, 2005 :::

Worst. Logo. Ever.

I'd like to think that someone did this as a joke, because it's super funny but it would be quite embarassing for the company (the Instituto de Estudos Orientais) if it was unintentional. I dunno cuz I can't read Portuguese.

[FP]

It's supposed to be an oriental house in front of a setting sun, you pervert.

::: posted by dan at 7:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Be careful what you search for.

K-mack found this image the other day while doing an innocent google search for "Baby Animals". I can only imagine that this baby's daddy would have a mullet or at the very least a Poison T-shirt, but maybe I'm judging pet rat owners a little too harshly. I hope this picture made it on to someone's Christmas card.

::: posted by dan at 5:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Johnny 5 is alive. Please let it die.

Every time I think that fan art and fan fiction have reached their nadir, I am proven wrong. Even though I may be a wee bit obsessed with a certain TV show on the WB, I've never actually felt the need to sketch out my favorite characters in suitable-for-framing poses. But apparently there are legions of Short Circuit fans out there who have no shame in that department:

Of course, there are more.

At least we can be thankful it's not a perverse fixation, like all of those naked hobbit sites. I actually saw Transformer and Go-Bot porn today that was too dirty for me to post.

Even worse, some people wish that Full House never ended, and have taken it upon themselves to write two full seasons worth of new scripts, just to keep the dream alive.

There is a time to let things die. In the case of Full House, it was in the development stage.

::: posted by dan at 5:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Tuesday, May 03, 2005 :::

GG + AI

I couldn't be happier with the direction that Gilmore Girls took this week. The whole class wars struggle is brilliant on all levels (pretty much affecting everyone in the cast), and Lorelie's final realization of feeling totally unnecessary within her family was heartbreaking. That was honestly one of the best episodes evar.

Plus I'm full on drunk.

As for American Idol, Bo Bice is officially off my list after singing one of the most insipid songs ever recorded - How Far is Heaven by Los Lonely Boys. After I choked on my own vomit and ripped out my own ear drums to avoid the horror, I voted for Vonzell and Carrie Underwood, just for spite. Last week I snapped this picture at Target of someone who not only doesn't hate that Los Lonely Boys song, but actually bought a T-SHIRT at the CONCERT. Now, I know I am guilty of buying many-a-bad concert T-shirts, but Los Lonely Boys? Honestly? And long sleeved? Those are like $10 more!!!!

Plus I'm full on drunk.

::: posted by dan at 11:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

616

Oops, turns out that boy from the Omen was just an ordinary kid after all:

666 is not the number of the beast (it's a devilish 616)

Since most historians speculate that the desciple John was most likely making a drug-induced statement about the fall of the Roman Empire when he wrote Revelations, and that 616 is a number that historically refers to the Emperor Caligula, then I think it's time that all these end-of-day preachers throw in the towel and admit defeat. I'm talking to you, Jack Van Impe. I'm talking to you, Krik Cameron (who is so totally the John Cassavetes character in Rosemary's Baby that it isn't even funny). I'm also talking to you, author of the Left Behind series. I'm also talking to you, every other Bible beater in the country. You are either so misguided that you are beyond help, or your are merely a petty fear-mongering con artist sharing mic-time with the lowest levels of humanity.

Now let's just hope that the rest of the ancient Oxyrhynchus Papyri translations yield even more relavatory information to snap these people out of their stupor.

Or let's hope that I sober up soon. It's been a long day.

::: posted by dan at 10:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Monday, May 02, 2005 :::

I'm ascared.

My phobias, some intense, some mild:
*indicates an intense phobia

• Fish (and by extension, swimming in oceans or lakes)*
• Spiders*
• Punctured Eyeballs
• Public Swimming Pools
• Robots
• Soup*

I panic in the ocean, devolve into full-on survival-instinct mode around spiders, and freak out when K-Mack leaves the sharp knives pointy-side-up in the drying rack. Only humanoid robots really freak me out, and the public swimming pool thing is more a fear of swimming in urine and other bodily secretions than it is about the pool itself, so I'm not sure if those really count.

This picture makes no sense in the context of this post but it's funny to look at.

I don't know what it is about soup, though. I can't even begin to explain that one.

::: posted by dan at 4:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments