planetdan

The Gas Man

The man who came out to fix my gas stove yesterday kept belching into the oven, creating a odd hallow metal echo every time he did it. Finally he acknowledged his gassiness and took his head out of the oven. The following conversation, that involved way too much direct eye contact, went something like this:

Him: [locking in eye contact] "Sorry, man."
Me: [finding eye contact to be extremely awkward] "That's ok."
Him: "I haven't even eaten anything."
Me: [grasping at straws] "Oh, yeah? That's odd."
Him: [maintaining eye contact] "How do you even burp if you haven't anything?"
Me: [holding my own with his awkward piercing gaze] "I can't answer that."
Him: "..."
Me: "..."
Him: [maintaining eye contact] "..."
Me: [about to crack] "..."
Him: "It's totally bogus, man."
Me: "Totally."

::: posted by dan at 12:31 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Sunday, September 25, 2005 :::

Goddamn it's almost October again already??

I hate dressing up for Halloween. It's too stressful and expensive and I'm too anal about accuracy. I'm like a Bridezilla only for Halloween costumes. Last year I spent way to much time and energy attempting to be the best Oompa Loompa ever, when it turns out I only had the ability to be the creepiest. (FYI, doing a keg stand in your Oompa Loompa costume is not a good idea. It smears the makeup and soggies-up the eyebrows.) The only reason I even bother is because a costume is required for T-bone's party. So this year I am going to take it down a notch and go as Purple Rain era Prince, because I kinda have a sordid love/hate relationship with the guy that goes back decades, and because I conveniently got a lacy purple velvet outfit from Target (which was un-copyright-infringably labeled as a "Purple Reign Rocker" costume) and now all I need is a wig and some eyeliner. But there's something wrong with me because I'm already going overboard by wondering how many days it would take me to actually grow the Prince facial hair rather than just pencil it in, and if I could get away with it at work:

Please make it stop. I tried researching other costumes, but came up empty:

• Thundercats, Roar!
• The Biggest Nerd Ever
• Sexy Vader
• Sexy Manga Fast Food Icons
• Death Star
• The Cast of Zoolander

I would consider the Zoolander idea if only to be able to utter one of my favorite movie lines of all time: "You think you're too cool for school. But I got a newsflash for you, Walter Kronkite... you aren't." Of course, if you are looking for costume ideas like I am, I would recommend attempting the infamous Princess Leia Slave Bikini, which you can buy or learn how to make here [thanks, james]. If I had the figure, I'd totally do it.

And don't forget the pets:

::: posted by dan at 10:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments

Saturday, September 24, 2005 :::

Tornado!

A storm blew some trees onto my parents' house this week. This isn't the first time the house has barely survived a wind storm. You'd think they lived in a trailer park or something. Last time it happened was ten or so years ago when I was still living at home. The following day the local news were driving up and down the street filming the destruction and they caught me in my underwear staring out the window. My mom saw me on Channel 5 Eyewitness News that night.

This time the tree hit their house though, so we spent Saturday cutting it down:

Another tree destroyed my mom's "Peace Garden", but she didn't appreciate the irony in that when I pointed it out to her:

I helped haul branches all day.

Uncle Ray was absolutely no help at all:

I kid, I kid. I don't even have an Uncle Ray. I just found that image during a google search for "topiary fetishes". Just kidding again.

::: posted by dan at 8:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Mad Genius

In case you haven't heard it yet, Andrew Bird's Mysterious Production of Eggs CD is one of the best of the year. Even more exciting, the dude is like a mad idiot-savant musical genius on stage. He stands up there with a violin/fiddle thing, his guitar, and a xylophone, and he quickly and seamlessly samples his instruments and lays down multiple tracks on top of each other until it sounds like there is an entire string symphony behind him and yet there is only one man on stage. He also seems to stare at invisible people and have conversations with himself, making me think that perhaps the obviously overdeveloped musical part of his brain has left other parts of his brain slightly underdeveloped. Whatever the case, I don't care, because he's brilliant. I saw him tonight at the Cedar Cultural Center:

And they were selling limited edition prints of the artwork he had commissioned for his latest CD booklet, which you can also buy online here, but I bought this one because it represents my favorite song on the CD:

And finally, I was excited to find out that one of my local favorites, The Owls, were the opening act. They are quite the ear-pleasing band as well, although perhaps a little less mind-blowingly insane than Andrew:

Anyway, to celebrate the awesome concert I saw tonight and to spread the joy to anyone who cares, I have temporarily replaced all the songs in my jukebox (on the right) with both acts' newest CDs. Yay!

::: posted by dan at 1:43 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

I can't help it. Sometimes my sense of humor is retarded.

Some of the worst jokes are topical ones. But that doesn't mean I don't laugh at them or that I won't pass them on:

Lame Topical Bush Joke #1:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks...

"How many is a Brazillion??!"

Lame Topical Bush Joke #2:

Last night they asked President Bush what he thought about Roe versus Wade.

He said, "I don't care how the people get out of New Orleans."

Cue rimshots.

::: posted by dan at 1:28 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 :::

Googling Jazz Hands

I googled Jazz Hands. I don't know what I was expecting, but I eventually came across this picture:

You may want to click for larger.

I shouldn't laugh. There are probably worse pictures of me floating around god knows where.

::: posted by dan at 10:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (35) comments

Adventures in Bad Camera Phone Pics

My camera phone will soon be replaced by a non-picture-taking Blackberry contraption for the sake of my professional life, so while mourning its imminent loss, I have been giving it quite a workout lately. Here is my last weekend told thru the lens of my telephone:

This is at the Sufjan Stevens concert. He was great, but the venue sucked, and it being a Sunday, the bar had to close at midnight, which means he played for an hour and then got shooed off the stage. Boooo. And he didn't even play Come On, Feel The Illinoise! Whatever dude. And apparently one Vodka Redbull is enough to keep me awake for 48 hours straight.

The next night was Beck, who puts on an enthusiastic show. At one point the whole band jammed with some sugar spoons and teacups. Plus he played one of my favorites from Midnight Vultures: Nicotine & Gravy. Then for the encore he mentioned he'd like some audience members up on stage with him. We didn't even notice that our friend Alicia was missing until we saw her up on stage dancing next to Beck.

I didn't get on stage like Alicia, but I did manage to get a couple new Beck emblazoned terrycloth wristbands, which I totally rocked with my popeye forearms. Anybody got any tape? Cuz I'm ripped.

Bye camera phone. I'll miss you.

::: posted by dan at 9:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Friday, September 16, 2005 :::

Her Very Own Shadow

Sometimes I wish I could ignore the instinct to feel utterly embarrassed for myself, like some people apparently can. It's takes a very special complete lack of shame to be an actor. I've been terrified/mortified by this all day:

Not Mary Tyler Moore

I love her THIS MUCH.

[FP]

::: posted by dan at 8:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Thursday, September 15, 2005 :::

Cooter Update

The Greasy Cooters have been back on the kickball field for a few weeks now. We've had some ups and downs, but we totally owned last night. And then we celebrated.

There's always picures at Greasycooters.com.

::: posted by dan at 11:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

This is not a joke.

These images are taken directly from the Yahoo slideshow of photos from the UN General Assembly as provided by the Reuters news service. They are accompanied by the following caption:

U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations...

Maybe someone pulled a fast one on Reuters and photoshopped the actual note. Either that, or Bush still thinks he needs to raise his hand to use the bafroom.

See for yourself.

::: posted by dan at 5:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 :::

Ok, just one more Gilmore Girls post.

I seem to catch flak for being a 30-year-old male Gilmore Girls fanatic. Sure, I blog about it a lot and fervently recommend it without shame, but it's not like I write them fan letters or wear Gilmore Girls T-shirts or anything. Ok, well I don't write them fan letters, anyway.

And just because a Google Image Search for Gilmore Girls turns up a headless picture of me in my hoodie, well that means nothing at all. I'm still a grown-up. Still a sophisticated television viewer. Still a man.

Plus, I don't understand who the WB thinks their target market is anyway. I defy any 14-year-old girl to explain to me the meaning of Lorelie's Paper Moon reference, Rory's "Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice minus Bob" joke, or how Paris can use Blue-Lagooning as a verb. Tonight's Season Premiere only solidified my status as a tricenarian Gilmore Girls fan. I wasn't sure if my favorite line was Luke calling Zima his girl beer or Michel contemplating the risk of getting jock itch on his forearm, but the whole episode was top notch.

::: posted by dan at 10:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Pissed Off Taxpayer

I voted in the Minneapolis mayoral primaries today.

I didn't vote for the "Pissed Off Taxpayer" Party Candidate, though:

You'd think they would get a lot of complaints about that being printed on the ballot. I'm not sure about the legalities of taking photos in a voting booth. Am I going to jail?

::: posted by dan at 2:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Monday, September 12, 2005 :::

Wallhangings

I love all of these concert posters.

Especially this one for Sufjan, which I just bought:

It would look extra cool on my wall if I could actually afford to have it framed. Oh well. I really wish I liked Rilo Kiley or Death Cab for Cutie because some of their posters are pretty cool, too. But I don't.

[thanks, glaser]

::: posted by dan at 10:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Teabagged Footballer

Heh. Pull it together, dood.

First Day on the Job (.wmv)
[Right click to download]

::: posted by dan at 2:01 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

ART!

Art prints. The old and the new, begging the question:

Does Billy Dee Williams really need six-pack abs?

Also, I'd tell you to get your husband's portrait painted on a tambourine featuring a top-hatted Stevie Nicks, but unfortunately, the artist is not accepting commissions right now:

Stevie's favourite musical instrument, enhanced!

::: posted by dan at 1:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Sunday, September 11, 2005 :::

The $135 CD

Ok, so my current obsessions are probably pretty obvious if you've visited planetdan at all in the last couple months:

1. Sufjan Stevens
This obsession is compounded by the fact that I will be seeing him in concert come next Sunday night. I've already made a new T-shirt for the occasion, featuring the Superman that he was forced to remove from his new CD cover due to copyright infringement issues. I know, it's dorky to wear such a thing to a concert, but I can't help it. I'm blinded by raw obsession.

2. The Gilmore Girls
Season Six starts TUESDAY. Every time I think about it I pee a little.

3. The Decemberists
Still the best band ever. I plan to attend as many concerts as possible until my entire wardrobe consists of nothing but Decemberists concert T-shirts. I already have a pretty good start. But this Decemberists obsession has started to worry me, because it cost me $135 this weekend.

I've been hunting for this ultra-rare Decemberists EP where the lead singer covers six Morrissey songs. They only made 1,000 and it was only sold at Colin's solo shows last year. They regularly go for $100 on eBay, but somehow I got lucky and found an auction ending on Labor Day, so I won the bidding at a not-so-reasonable $66. I know, it sounds horrifyingly obnoxious to spend $66 on a six song EP, no matter how rare it is. Especially when I already had all the MP3s. But to make matters even worse: I developed a guilty conscience spending so much money on a CD right after that stupid Katrina hurricane. Damn you, Katrina, for putting things into focused perspective! So I forced myself to donate an equal amount to the Red Cross. Now I am $132 lighter in my already thin wallet and that much further away from getting a custom-made Pirolette, which incidentally dropped in price to $99.95 recently.

This is what an impulsive $66 eBay bid + $66 to pay off your guilt + $3 in shipping will get you:

::: posted by dan at 11:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Friday, September 09, 2005 :::

Anniversary

Planetdan turns three this month. Actually, planetdan.net has been around since 1999, but the blog only started in 2002. In lieu of gifts, monetary donations can be sent to me, directly.

::: posted by dan at 1:10 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Anniversary #2

I celebrated another anniversary this month, too. As of September, I have worked at my current job for four and a half years, making it the longest job I’ve ever had. My work history seems a little spotty now that I look back on it:

First job: BEST Products (formerly Labelle’s), a department store.
Title: Electronics Specialist
Having just turned 16, I got my first job at Best, where they hired me for $4.25 an hour with the understanding that they were in Chapter 11 and that there would “absolutely not be any chance for a raise.” I worked there 16 months before the whole operation collapsed, but not before I got caught by a customer while I was hiding in a giant wardrobe to avoid working. Another good hiding spot was the hanging sleeping bags display. If you couldn’t find me there, I was most likely at the computer display playing solitaire.

Second job: Paperweight, a sub-garage-sale-quality gift store at the mall for 14 year-old trend whore girls.
Title: None/Troll-doll Salesman
For $4.50 an hour I was expected to care that pre-teen girls were stealing sparkly glitter pens and novelty condoms. A year and a half later, I was forced to quit rather than be fired after being accused of stealing a suncatcher for my gramma’s birthday. I still have the receipt that proves my innocence, but they suggested that I made up a fake receipt (which was entirely possible since their cash register was little more than a printing calculator attached to the top of a shoebox) and I was not afforded the benefit of the doubt. I never even got the suncatcher back, so my gramma went giftless that year.

Third job: Adventures in Video
Title: Assistant Manager
Best job ever. Regularly worked alone watching movies all day long and cataloging pornography. I worked there for four and a half years, eventually earning $6.00 an hour, which somehow put me through college. I never officially quit the job, I just told my manager to “take me off the schedule for a few weeks” after I scored my first post-collegiate job, which is probably why I still have recurring nightmares about being put back on the schedule. I never got closure.

Fourth job: The Quikpages
Title: Web Designer
Worst job ever. Built websites that were sold to confused and exploited small business owners via telemarketing. It was like a sweatshop for entry level web coders. I lasted a year and a half before I was eventually fired for making a “subversive” website that I distributed across the company, but it was the first job I ever had that paid benefits. And $12 an hour.

Fifth Job: Techies.com
Title: Web Designer
I started making real money at a dotcom that burned through cash like it was coal on a steam engine. It was a really cool job with lots of fancy dotcom benefits. Best perk: free fountain soda. I was in Mountain Dew heaven. Lasted 20 months before the dotcom bubble burst and techies went down the tubes. Having an inside view of its spectacular nosedive was mesmerizing and almost made it worth getting laid off.

Sixth Job: MLT
Title: Web Designer
Good solid job working on travel booking websites, but I quit within four months for a better opportunity, and then a few months later they eliminated my position, so I guess I dodged that bullet.

Seventh Job: Current Job
Title: Web Designer
My current job has officially outlasted the previous record holder: Adventures in Video. Of course it’s not the same type of cake walk as working alone in a video store, but I’m all grown up now, so my current job suits my skills well and provides lots of cool opportunities, so I consider myself very lucky.

So I’ve been laid off twice, fired once, forced to quit, and just phased out. Not so good.

::: posted by dan at 1:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Game playa

This graphic I just found brings up some painful memories. I had two adolescent friendships dissolve over accusations of cheating at boardgames. The most ridiculous of which was with one friend who accused me of cheating at Hungry Hungry Hippos. I didn't even know how one would go about cheating at that game, but he claimed he heard me dropping extra marbles into my tray. As if I had palmed an extra Ace in poker or something. I was absolutely innocent of the charges. Dude was just a sore loser.

The second dissolution came from a boardgame that I believe was called Squiggle, but the embarrassing thing is that I had no idea how to play the game. The convoluted rules had been explained to me multiple times but they just didn't make sense. So I played along as if I knew what the hell I was doing, only to be accused of cheating later after making an "illegal" move. I believe cheating should require some sort of intentional deceit, but my pride would not allow me to admit that I just didn't understand the rules. Whatever the case, we stopped being friends after that incident and he told everyone on the playground that I was a cheater at Squiggle. No big loss since his house always smelled like hamburger hotdish anyway.

K-Mack and I have played the old blue edition of Trivial Pursuit so many times that we know all the questions by heart, which I believe is a form of cheating. For instance, when a Science question is read that asks "What was estimated to weigh 180,000,000 tons?" I know to answer, "All the tea in China." No one would ever actually be able to answer such a question without having memorized it in advance. But that's the extent of my cheating. I swear.

::: posted by dan at 12:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Tuesday, September 06, 2005 :::

Agreed.

Finally, Fox News gets something right:

[thanks FP]

::: posted by dan at 6:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments

Monday, September 05, 2005 :::

I heart bad puns and accessory nipples.

Maybe this is an old joke, but I don't get into car humor that much so it's new to me. This is an excerpt from a fire-side discussion about my Hyundai Sonata's poor gas mileage:

J-Wack: What kind of gas mileage you get?
Me: Only about 20 miles to the gallon.
Cherry Nut: Oh, it-sonata gas efficient.

Nice one, Cherry Nut.

That honestly may have been the high point of my holiday weekend. I also went out and drank too much with K-Mack and T-Bone, which was fun and would have easily been the high point of the weekend if I didn't have the awkward memory of trying to pose for a picture with my neighbor's third nipple. It's a long story, but we bumped into her, she has three nipples, K-Mack has a camera phone, and I have a low tolerance for Tequila.

::: posted by dan at 6:09 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments