planetdan

And I Am Funky. Aarrrrrrgh.

Last night was the Halloween party. K-Mack said my Prince costume ended up looking more like Johnny Depp in The Pirates of the Caribbean than the '80s icon, and she was right, but I still think I got the point across:

I was most proud of the lace socks I found to match my ensemble:

The only real problem is that I didn't bother to practice any Prince dance moves or facial expressions in advance, so even though there are about a thousand pictures of me, I always look the same.

See all the pics. But be forewarned that I took way too many, and some of them may be a tad bit... risque.

::: posted by dan at 7:57 PM :: [ link ] :: (30) comments

Friday, October 28, 2005 :::

Halloween Party Eve

Tomorrow is T-Bone's Halloween party that I've been preparing for all month. I'm going as Prince, circa 1984, so I was extremely disappointed to see the televised advertisement for that Everyone Hates Chris Rock TV show, where he's shown attending his grade-school Halloween party in full-on Prince regalia. Stupid Chris Rock. Stealing my thunder. I'd like to point out that I declared my costume intentions over a month ago. Whatever. Who watches UPN anyway.

I tried on my Prince costume today, and it's pretty funny in a pathetic doesn't-really-look-anything-like-Prince kind of way. I also have tried growing my own Prince moustache for the occasion, disguising it in the meantime as a half-assed goatee. But I should have started it more than two days ago, because it's not going to be nearly long enough by tomorrow night:

Damn my facial hair for not growing freakishly fast! I may have to pencil most of it in. Oh well. I was also planning on being tanner after my Hawaii trip in order to more closely resemble Prince's skin tone, but that obviously didn't happen either. Oh well.

There will be jello shots. I wonder if the real Prince has ever done a jello shot.

::: posted by dan at 7:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Not So Sexy Silhouettes

I, and probably the rest of the e-mail enabled world, just got this spam in my inbox. On close inspection, it's apparently an ad for discount Viagra, but at a first glance it seemed to indicate:

1. Smoke a Cigg 2. Dance Like an Ass 3. Get Kneed in the Groin

They might wanna increase that font size at the bottom, if only for the sake of clarity.

::: posted by dan at 6:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

For the Recently Bereaved, and Excessively Frugal

For when you want to bring home your dead like you would Chinese take-out. Available in bulk. Costco is creepy:

Renaissance Silk Urns

Kate, who sent me the link to the Costco Caskets page, would like to point out that there is a 100% satisfaction guaranteed return policy.

I also think this is super dooper creepy, in a sacrilegious, deifying-a-false-idol type of way:

iBelieve

::: posted by dan at 6:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Can I Consider That Equity?

I'm worth half a million, bitches.

My blog is worth $514,860.48.
How much is your blog worth?

Thanks for sending me the link, Ann Marie, but you did the math wrong.

::: posted by dan at 4:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 :::

Hawaii '05!

Got a killer ear ache. Never saw Jackie Chan. Never got leied. But it was a great trip. Click the lei to see the pics if you care. You can read image descriptions for every picture if you click on the info tab:

::: posted by dan at 10:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments

Golden Showers

Things I wouldn't do for an Ipod Nano:

• Shave my head.
• Get peed on.

So I would've lost this contest.

"Four hours later, the 16 contestants had been whittled to the final four. The remaining competitors all stripped naked and streaked across Wisconsin Avenue NW at around 1 a.m. Gordon says one “might have even streaked onto [National] Cathedral property.”

The victor, 21-year-old Glover Park resident Jeff Schneidman, shaved his head and endured one most-humiliating act: a golden shower."

::: posted by dan at 10:45 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Saturday, October 22, 2005 :::

Vacation Update

As punishment for rubbing my Hawaiian vacation in all of your faces, I've contracted something called "Swimmer's Ear", which is technically just an ear infection, but feels more like a hot poker being jabbed repeatedly into the side of my head. I spent three hours and $140 today to drive to the nearest urgent care in Kona, Hawaii. The good news is that I was given Vicadin to ease the pain, so let's get this vacation started again!

Our current location is a resort in Wiakalea that is the fanciest place I've ever stayed. One of my travel companions keeps repeating to herself "Who do I think I am, staying at a place like this?" And I concur. This place is way to good for me. There is a rumor going around that Jackie Chan is somewhere on site, so I've constantly got my camera on the ready, in case I can manage a papparazzi-style skin shot of him on the beach to sell to the Chinese tabloids for millions of yen, which from what I understand is like fifty bucks.

I read that people were expecting some skin shots of my own when I return and post my vacation pics, so here is a sneak preview:

CLICK FOR SKIN

P.S.: Oh, and the wedding that this vacation has been based around has come and gone, and now my good friend J-Wack is married. But the problem is her J-Wack nickname is derived from her maiden name, and if I apply a similar formula to her new married name then I come up with "J-Balls", which sounds a little filthy, so I may have to rethink this. Anyway, congrats J-Balls.

P.P.S or P.S.S. or whichever one is right: This expensive/fancy resort that I am too good to stay at charges $5.00 for 10 minutes of internet access, making this the most expensive. blogpost. evar.

::: posted by dan at 9:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 :::

In the Canyon

This is a terrible picture of me taken halfway to the top of the Waimea Canyon, in Kauai.

My camera phone has distorted my face a bit, but the canyons in the background sure are pretty. The sad thing is that we drove for an hour and a half to get to the best lookout for the Napali Coast, but it was fogged out. Nothing to see here, folks.

We we drove back down to the bottom and I bought myself a Hawaiian oven mitt as a souvenir. I'm not bitching, though, because I'm in Hawaii.

::: posted by dan at 10:42 PM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 :::

Power 90 in Kauai

This is where I am right now:

At our hotel in Kauai, there is a film crew making a new infommercial for the Power 90 Weight Loss Supplement, so there are a whole bunch of fit and trim models strutting around the beach, which certainly isn't good for my ego, but whatever. Yesterday I made sure to stay right behind the models but back in the distance a bit while they filmed some beach scene. I flopped around in the ocean like an idiot, battling the waves, making the biggest splashes I could. So with any luck, you may see me repetitively during odd hours on the WB sometime in the next few months. Just look for the scrawny glowing-white flailing man in the background.

Then today I passed this guy on the stairway up to my room:

It was Tony Horton himself, and he said "That's what I like to see, a guy using the stairs instead of the elevator!" I'm not kidding. Dude is trying to motivate strangers while on vacation. Awesome.

::: posted by dan at 9:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Sunday, October 16, 2005 :::

70's Smarm

Tonight was T-Bone's 70's party and it afforded me an opportunity to utter a phrase I never thought I'd say in my whole life:

"Man, this gold herringbone necklace is wreaking havoc in my chest hair."

My leather coat is near orange and the ruffles on my shirt turned me on just a little bit. The party started out at Trevor's, then moved to some bar in Cottage Grove (which sounds like a place from Little House on the Prairie and looks like one, too) where a popular local 70's band was playing, then moved to downtown Minneapolis where the embarrassment caused by the glaring eyes of the Minneapolitan non-participants could only be dullened by copious booze. Actually, I didn't care one what people thought about me one bit, even after I got home and realized that only one single shirt button was keeping me from full-on exposing my bare chest to the entire Minneapolis nightlife.

Anywho, all the pictures are here, but I can't imagine them being interesting to anyone, unless'n you wanna see 30-year-olds in bad outfits doing keg stands and generally just acting like regular jackasses.

I know I'm too old to act like this, so you really don't need to remind me.

::: posted by dan at 1:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (28) comments

Best Article Ever

Gilmore Girls the Best Show on TV for Men
[thanks jeremy]

::: posted by dan at 1:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Friday, October 14, 2005 :::

We are not the champions, my friend.

My kickball team made it all the way to the championship game, which unfortunately was scheduled for 9pm, which provided my teammates with WAY too much pre-game drinking time. So we lost. In a very bad way. But that didn't stop us from celebrating a great season:

We've been told that our team doesn't have a good reputation in the league, which I guess doesn't really surprise me. Regardless, we have the most fun. See the pics.

The final score was 13 to 3, one of which was scored by me.

::: posted by dan at 9:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Where Babies Come From

Welcome to the world, creepy German baby! Your oval-eyed pear-shaped parents have gross pubes and your doctor smiles like a pedophile! But it looks like your happy to be here anyway!

Where Babies Come From

I have no idea where this came from but I love it. If anybody knows who originally scanned this, please inform me because I'd like to give proper credit.

::: posted by dan at 8:58 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 :::

Tanning Schmanning

In spite of the fact that I have sensitive skin that sizzles like bacon after three minutes in any sort of direct sunlight, I've been visiting a tanning salon in preparation for an upcoming tropical vacation. The last time I tried to pre-tan for a vacation, it ended up very, very bad. So this time around, I've been very cautious. So much so, that ten tanning sessions later, I'm only slightly less white than a ghost:

After 10 sessions.

I hate tanning anyway. I always feel like such a vain heal lying there in my undies risking cancer just to look better on a beach. And I hate that tanning bed smell and all the twice-baked high-school girls that work the front counter for $4.75 an hour and apparently all the free tanning they want. And yet, I spent over $50 to look just a little less white.

Even worse, the tanning bed room is equipped with a boom box for my listening pleasure, but I keep setting it to the wrong station. I'll turn on what I think is the cool alternative station and hop in the bed before realizing that it is in fact tuned to the modern jesus music station. No offense to you believers out there, but your music sucks. Trapped with christian music in a light bulb coffin for 10 minutes (ironically celebrating the deadly sin of vanity) is practically torture in my book. And it's happened more than once. At least it wasn't country music. So there is a silver lining.

::: posted by dan at 5:21 PM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments

An Unpleasant Concept

And hopefully not the same hoses, either.

[FP]

::: posted by dan at 3:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Monday, October 10, 2005 :::

Big Drinks This Weekend

You wouldn't think I'd be into communal drinks, what with the possibility of contracting mouth herpes and all.

Das Boot:
I'm actually breaking the rules by drinking this with the toe pointing down, but that's how I roll. I'm a rule-breaker.

The Largest Margarita, Evar:

The verdict: too much salt on the rim.

::: posted by dan at 12:01 AM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments

Sunday, October 09, 2005 :::

Hat Hair

Boing Boing had a link to this article last week and it's awesome:

Hair is the Hat

The gist of it is this unforgettable picture:

Back in my day, hat hair was an entirely different thing. It was the weird helmet shape your hair would assume after removing a hat you'd been wearing all day. I remember wearing a corduroy baseball hat everyday to high school in the tenth grade (which looked rather elegant over my long flowing mullet). One day my teacher told me to remove it, as some sort of sign of respect for him or something, but I was mortified at the inevitable hat hair I would have underneath, so I told him I was allergic to the classroom's fluorescent lights and that I could provide a doctor's note, if necessary. My lie worked, but then instead of getting mocked by my fellow students for the hat hair, I was mocked for being allergic to light. I made it impossible for myself to be cool in high school.

::: posted by dan at 11:50 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Friday, October 07, 2005 :::

Hyundai Service

My Hyundai service center just updated their waiting facilities with a children's play area and some computers for web surfing. So while sitting here waiting for an oil change during my lunch hour, I can totally post to my blog.

I can also listen to people in the waiting room talk loudly on their cell phones. Like this dude:

According to his loud public phone conversation, he was post-coitus sleeping with one of this current girlfriends when he started having a dream about "taking the best piss ever" but then suddenly in his dream the urinal was overflowing and splashing back onto him. That's when we woke up to discover that he had just wet his lady friend's bed.

So just as a reminder, if you talk on your cell phone too loudly, the guy who is blogging from the public computer in the room next to you can totally hear your every word. And he's got a camera phone.

What's almost more fun is checking out this public computer's History logs and Cookies folder. They use Websense to block offending websites from being surfable, but Websense stores the IP addresses of all attempted sites that it blocks. So with a little help from WhoIs, I can tell that Hyundai owners are some sick freaks by and large.

The Google Autofill logs are also a fun thing to peruse on public computers. Suddenly getting an oil change ain't so boring anymore.

::: posted by dan at 12:43 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Thursday, October 06, 2005 :::

Pineapple Drinks

Last night was Alicia's birthday. I took a couple hours off to celebrate. I normally wouldn't wear khakis to the bar, but I was straight from a late night at work.

Re-enacting Uncle Ray for Bill:

::: posted by dan at 8:16 AM :: [ link ] :: (33) comments

Monday, October 03, 2005 :::

Fainting Goats

Apparently some goats are bred to faint when startled so as to be sacraficed for the good of the lamb when the wolves attack. It sounds like a horrible Biblical allegory, but it's for real and it's fun as hell to watch:

Watch the Fainting Goats in Action [FP]

I also like these random shots of fainted goats. I want one as a pet.

This video is awesome, too:

::: posted by dan at 9:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments

The Lord of War

Fun with billboards, guerilla style:

The Lord of War, Redux by whileseated via Flickr

I honestly don't know who's worse. Bush or Nic Cage. Yuckers on both counts.

::: posted by dan at 9:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Crayon Dan

I just found this old portrait that one of my nieces made of me a few years back. It's super cute and all, but a lot of it really disturbs me:

::: posted by dan at 8:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

I don't stink so quit bothering me.

There is an automatic air freshener in the bathroom at work and it's really beginning to insult me. Every single time I walk by it, the thing makes this whirring FSSSSSST noise and shoots out a potent fog of misty fragrance, as if it's trying to tell me something. I've started to personify the air freshener. I've made it my enemy and I give it dirty looks every time it goes off, but that just seems to anger it. My coworker, who thinks a lot more clearly than I do, suggested that perhaps the automatic air freshener had a motion sensor on it, to trigger a squirt of fresh air with each and every visit to the bathroom. This seemed like a sound theory, so the other day as I was following someone else out of the bathroom, I paid close attention to the air freshener as he passed by it, and the damned thing didn't go off. But the second I stepped within range - FSSSSSST. I got all pissed off at the thing and I tried to get a closer look to see if there was any type of sensor device on it but it was mounted too high on the wall. So I stood in front of it and waved my hands back and forth to try to set it off, but that resulted in nothing except for strange looks from the next guy who walked in the bathroom and caught me waving at the wall.

That damn thing better be on some sort of clock and I just got bad timing or something because I'm about to knock it off the wall but good.

::: posted by dan at 8:03 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments