planetdan

CHiPs

So K-Mack wanted me to make her a T-shirt for a 1980's-themed dress-up day at her work. I obliged her, but I told her that as payback she would have to model the T-shirt with some extra lip gloss and blush (which I kept calling "rouge", much to her dismay) for a photo. She hemmed and hawed and acted generally disagreeable. She practically stomped her feet, acting put-out beyond reason at the request. She whined as she applied some extra shiny vaseline-based lip product. She grunted defiantly as she smeared on extra layers of blush. Finally, I told her to pose on her bed, and without even an ounce of prompting she said:

"Wait... should I take my pants off?"

(Needs more blue eye shadow.)

But it just seems to me that someone who is ostensibly unhappy with being photographed wouldn't generally volunteer to remove their pants. Her demure shy-for-the-camera attitude is obviously just an act. For some reason it reminds me of that episode of the Facts of Life where Tootie is hired as a supermodel and they give her a Stevie Wonder beaded hairdo and a silky blue robe, but Mrs. Garrett puts a stop to it after she learns they want Tootie to pose nudie. Ha, that rhymes.

::: posted by dan at 12:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (29) comments

Tuesday, June 27, 2006 :::

Phew - finished.

Holy crap. I feel like I've just finished running a marathon. Last night I sat down to read a few more pages of that seemingly never-ending science book that I talk incessantly about and that is making everybody hate me at dinner parties. From the looks of my bookmark in the binding, I had at least one hundred pages left to read, but when I finished the chapter I suddenly realized that the book had ended and that the rest of the paperback was filled with author notes, bibliographies, and an extensive index. It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Not that I didn't love the book, mind you, as it taught me about many things indeed, such as:

• Atoms
• Whale Vomit Perfume
• Fossils
And much much more...

But it took me almost a year to read. Seriously. I'm lowering my sights for the next book, that's for sure. I probably should go for something with a monkey in it, less than a hundred pages, and illustrated, but I'm thinking about giving Lolita a shot instead. So if anyone want to join in on the planetdan book club, let me know. We can have meaningful revelatory discussions about Nabokov when I finish it, next year.

::: posted by dan at 2:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments

Sunday, June 25, 2006 :::

A Psychic Connection

Even on opposite sides of the car seat and invisible to each other, me and this random cab driver somehow decided to spontaneously make the same hideously glazed-over face for the camera:

What are the odds. This was on Friday before T-bone ended up like this, which means I ended up walking home five miles through the ghetto at 3:30am.

::: posted by dan at 11:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

Thursday, June 22, 2006 :::

Get Ur Freak On

I attended my coworker's wedding this weekend. I mostly kept my poise. Although we did dance rather enthusiastically to My Humps:

Dan gets sweaty when he dances. And sometimes at weddings he abandons his typical music snobbery and will dance to just about anything. There are a few wedding reception standards that I refuse to dance to, though: The Electric Slide, You Shook Me All Night Long, You Look Wonderful Tonight, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy or any other equally nauseating country song, etc. But for some reason, I will dance to My Humps and like it. At least I wasn't this guy, though, who backed that thing up on someone's mother:

::: posted by dan at 11:37 PM :: [ link ] :: (25) comments

Sunday, June 18, 2006 :::

Contact Kickball

The Cooters lost our final kickball game this season, which put us in fourth place. Out of six. And for some as-of-yet unexplained reason, T-Bone and Bad Apples conspired with a willing videographer and decided it would make good TV to tackle me in the middle of the game while I was out protecting left field (a job I take very seriously).

You can watch the video of it here (3.8MB WMV), although it's kinda far away and mostly just funny because you can pinpoint the exact moment where my mind goes from "Why are those guys running at me?" to "Oh, I better take some evasive action."

Or if you can't view WMVs, you can always download the MPEG (4MB). Or, if you aren't into motion pictures, there are of course lots of static shots of the game.

::: posted by dan at 6:29 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Wednesday, June 14, 2006 :::

Beaver

The name of this crayon really makes me uncomfortable, which obviously says a lot more about my own state of mind than Crayola's. But still, Beaver? No one in the marketing department at Crayola second guessed that idea? Sure, it's the name of a common animal, but so is "cock" and "ass", but you don't see any cock- or ass-colored crayons. Even in the 120 pack.

I snagged it from one of those restaurants with the paper tablecloths. Perhaps it will be a collector's item someday, like the "Flesh" colored ones (renamed "Peach" in 1962).

::: posted by dan at 11:53 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments

Potato Face

I recently had to get my picture taken for a visitor's ID card. I'm keenly aware that I'm generally not very photogenic to begin with, but is this picture really as bad as I think it is?

I look either:
a) stoned
b) mentally challenged, or
c) made out of wet Play-Doh

I also seem to have what my friend Stacy would refer to as "Black Licorice Mouth". And there's something weird with the glare on my forehead that makes it look like I have a monobrow. Anyway, I have to wear it hanging on a badge around my neck every time I visit this place until I die. And apparently retakes are not an option. Plus, the image is conveniently stored in a database somewhere for easy retrieval, just in case you "accidentally" lose the badge somewhere and need a replacement. Believe me, I already inquired about it.

::: posted by dan at 11:11 AM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments

Tuesday, June 13, 2006 :::

My Weekend's High Point

I got K-Mack this Zobmondo game for her birthday.

It's that game where you ask stupid questions like, "Would you rather lick all the bugs off an 18-wheeler's radiator after a long haul -OR- suck on a frozen dog poop for 30 seconds?" and "Would you rather chew a mole off someone's neck -OR- drink a half cup of your best friend's blood?" But they make a game out of it. Anyway, I think you get the point.

The game also comes with "Challenge Cards", and K-Mack's fella drew this one:

I have no problem with public humiliation, so I would have chosen ANY option but #5, therefore I was shocked when it was the challenge he accepted. It's not pleasant to watch K-Mack chew up an entire seven-layer bar, regurgitate it into someone else's hands, and then watch as he proceeds to smear it between every single finger. It's not pleasant at all. Just ask Cherry Nut, who was so traumatized by the game that she vowed never to play it again.

I thought K-Mack would have been more disgusted, too, but she was more excited to be temporarily allowed to have an eating disorder. All the taste of a seven-layer bar and none of the calories. People are weird.

I probably would have done #4. It seems like the least amount of effort.

::: posted by dan at 12:37 AM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Monday, June 12, 2006 :::

Cooter Update

Apparently there was a second photographer on the scene at last week's kickball game. So while I was busy snapping pictures of myself and forcing people to take pictures of me, she was busy snapping pictures of me snapping pictures of myself. It's a little embarrassing, but it's also kinda neat. I get to see myself from all angles. If we get a few more photographers into the mix maybe we can get enough angles to pull off one of those Matrixy bullet-time things. I just can't get enough of me.

But last week's game was back to normal, with just dan as the photographer, so there are no pictures of me again. But my new co-photographer allowed me to use her camera instead so the pictures actually turned out pretty good this time...

AND WE WON AGAIN. That's TWO IN A ROW. This Wednesday is the final playoff game. Wish us luck or whatever.

::: posted by dan at 11:25 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Luke Pie Rocker

Galactic Pizza is a local pizza joint that requires its delivery guys to wear spandex, helmets, and capes while driving around town on three-wheeled electrical eco-cars. You can seem them zooming around Uptown at all hours, their capes flapping in the wind behind them. A friend of mine happened to live directly above the place, so I've been up close and personal with the superheroes a few times. In fact, on top of Galactic Pizza is where this exchange originally happened.

Anyway, they made the news for foiling a purse snatcher:

Caped Uptown Pizza Crusader Comes To The Rescue

The victim in the video reminds me of these people a little bit, which is one of my favorite all time videos. I love the local news. But I think that Luke Pie Rocker might be the worst pun I've ever heard. [Thanks to Monkey for the link]

::: posted by dan at 11:11 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Thursday, June 08, 2006 :::

Penile Park

Aerial photo illuminates the beautiful grandeur of the land below...

This aerial photo taken from the Polk County assessor?s Web page shows the city of Des Moines? detention basin at 2617 Easton Blvd. The basin, constructed about two years ago, helps prevent flooding, according to Des Moines City Engineer Jeb Brewer. [FULL STORY] [FP]

I think the writers of the article were funny when they subtitled it:

City design with a vast difference

Try as I might, I just couldn't come up with a better pun than that.

Completely unrelated, I'm also fascinated by this optical illusion.

::: posted by dan at 2:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Monday, June 05, 2006 :::

Extra Extra Read All About It

So the other day this three armed baby made the news:

[story]

It's too bad they gotta remove one of the arms, because if ever there were a kid destined to be a piano prodigy, it was the Asian three armed baby. Even with three arms, an Asian baby is the cutest thing ever.

So I was thinking about extra appendages when I FINALLY remembered the Google Image Search I've wanted to perform for YEARS, but I've always somehow forgotten: diphallia. There was this Trivial Pursuit question that asked, "What does a man suffering from Diphallia have?" And the answer was "two penises", and I've always been curious as to whether they were side by side or one on top of the other. Well, thanks to Google Image Search, I have my answer. But the image made my stomach churn something awful, so I refuse to post it. If you want to see it, you gotta Google it yourself. It's a curiosity-killing-the-cat type of scenario, but I'm relieved that I finally got that out of my system. Thank you, three armed baby!

If you do decide to Google it for yourself and need to cleanse your visual palate, here is something much much more cute to witness (albeit slow to download):

Lunch Yard Bully

::: posted by dan at 11:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (32) comments

Friday, June 02, 2006 :::

Greasy Cooters. Now with more dan.

I decided that I'm not in nearly enough kickball pictures. I play every week, but I'm the only one who regularly snaps photos, so I'm never in any of them. Therefore I decreed that this week I shall be in every single picture.

Every. Single. One.

Take a look at me now, bitches!

And guess what, we actually won the game. We are somehow still ranked dead last, but it's always during the playoffs that the Cooters really kick it into high gear, attempting greatness, grasping at that brass ring, and watching it all slip away as we spectacularly crash in biggest fall from glory, evar!

Playoffs start next week...

::: posted by dan at 1:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments