planetdan

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 :::

Found Objects

I work my computers pretty hard, so it's not surprising that they occasionally give out on me. Whenever a harddrive crashes, I box it up and store it away, assuming I will try to mine some data off it in the future. This weekend I had a spare moment while hiding from the blistering heat and I plugged an old drive into my machine to search for anything salvageable, and I found some weird stuff. For instance, why did I make this:

I must have had good reason. And although I do actually recall making this graphic, I can't for the life of me remember who this woman is or why I defiled her:

I'm assuming this was created for a Valentine's day card of some sort, but that doesn't make it any less creepy:

Speaking of Valentine's, I also found this lovely little Flash memento I apparently received from Bruce Willis.

God knows what else I'll find on these neglected drives. It's kinda like finding an old time capsule. Buried by some crazy delusional shut-in.

::: posted by dan at 11:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Friday, July 21, 2006 :::

Double Drat!

I can still see the top of that darn cat!

Here is a picture of me coming on to you:

When dan turns it on... look out.

This reminds me of another story. K-Mack was slightly tipsy and therefore a tad amorous one night and so she winked all sexy-like at B-Dub. B-Dub, who at this point was used to ignoring her drunken flirtatious advances, changed the subject by asking her "Can you do that with both eyes?" since he was curious if her winking abilities were ambidextrous (a genetric trait similiar to rolling one's tongue) .

"Of course!" she replied, and proceeded, with exaggerated sensuality and utter sincerity, to pout her lips and blink both eyes at once. Sometimes drunky K-Mack is not so bright. You probably had to be there, but we laughed and pointed for hours.

I think this should be long enough to take care of that cat once and for all.

::: posted by dan at 12:46 PM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments

Drat!

I can't stand to look at that cat. I'm angry with myself for posting it but I have too much pride to take it down, so I'm going to post this picture of a bologna rat sandwich to push it off the main page a little:

This reminds me of one of the most closely guarded secrets of my childhood: my favorite food and the only thing I would eat for lunch when I was little were bologna and ketchup sandwiches. It's disgusting, and I demand to know how I became so fond of them in the first place. How on earth does a mother justify feeding her kid a sandwich with bologna and ketchup on it? How does anyone even invent such a concoction? I'll never forgive her.

I hope this is enough to push that cat picture down far enough...

::: posted by dan at 12:36 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Oh dear.

Not fake: Cat sees world from both sides.

Gah! It's like I can't focus...

::: posted by dan at 11:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (21) comments

Sunday, July 16, 2006 :::

Fifi is Batshit

I went to the Fiona Apple concert on Friday. That girl is bonafide batshit crazy. She performed well, but spoke with little coherence and often ran to hide under the piano and beat herself. It almost felt more like watching an exorcism than a concert. But I guess that's why I love her. I was a total rebel and snuck in a camera to snap some pictures:

You kinda have to be crazy when you are as brilliant as Fifi, though. She revealed during the concert that she wrote her ballad Slow Like Honey when she was 15 after a boy she liked made fun of her. FIFTEEN. Seriously, check out these lyrics:

You moved like honey, In my dream last night
Yeah, some old fires were burning
You came near to me, and you endeared to me
But you couldn't quite discern me
Does that scare you? I'll let you run away
But your heart will not oblige you
You'll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I'll haunt the world inside you
And my big secret: gonna win you over
Slow like honey, heavy with mood...

It's not that I think these are the most amazing lyrics ever put to paper, in fact they definitely smack of lovelorn prepubescence, but in comparison, here is some of my own poetry that yielded me an A+ in my highschool creative writing class when I was around the same age as Fiona:

There once was a singer named Milli,
Who sang with this brother, Vanilli,
Gyrating their hips,
Not a sound left their lips,
At least they could dance, well not really.

And nobody has ever offered ME a record deal. I guess we can't all be sullen, self-flagellating geniuses. In fact, I am seemingly way behind in the genius curve lately, seeing as how I had to break into my own house after I lost my keys in the concert hall:

Thanks for the boost, Kwatts.

::: posted by dan at 8:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (26) comments

Happy Halloween in July

It was effin' hot outside today so I stayed inside and rifled through a bunch of old boxes in search of a giant chunk of old hair from some girl who let me shave her head almost a decade ago. I just wanted to see if I was disgusting enough to keep it this long. I didn't find the hair, but I did find one of my long lost costume pictures to help complete my online Halloween scrapbook:

I'm supposed to be a magician. You can tell by the moustache. Duh.

::: posted by dan at 8:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Wednesday, July 12, 2006 :::

Big Boned

I've been feeling a little heavy in the gut area lately because my over-burdened work schedule hasn't allowed me to jog lately, and because I generally eat like a sow. Then I saw this horrifying obesity Flash presentation about fat Americans:

Click here to view it, fatty.

Apparently, "morbidly obese" is defined as having a BMI of 30 or more, or basically being 30 pounds or more overweight. So then I got curious about my ideal weight, so I looked it up, and according to the chart and factoring in my measly height of 5' 7", my ideal weight would be around 135. I generally tip the scales at about 160, which would mean I was a scant FIVE POUNDS AWAY from being "morbidly" obese. But these figures were all based on "frame" size, so I found a chart to determine if I was of small or large frame, and it turns out that this can be determined by measuring ones elbow. So I did, and it seems that scientifically, I would be categorized as "large" framed, or "big-boned" (Ahem, *cough*). According to the charts, this allows me to have an ideal weight of 155. Phew. I've generally considered myself to be of the smaller, scrawny variety of human being, so all of this self discovery was really rather disconcerting today.

By the way, DO NOT do a google image search for "morbidly obese". Nothing good will come of it.

I shouldn't have eaten that Dairy Queen Blizzard for lunch. Of course, it only takes a few seconds with Photoshop's "liquify" tool can help me feel a little better about myself:

Mmmmm, deviled eggs. Ewww, sausage fingers.

::: posted by dan at 11:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (18) comments

Hamster Wheel

Seems like it would be a hazard to mow.

A Walk in The Park

Speaking of hamsters...
As a child I was not allowed pets. My mother is deathly allergic to cats the way that some pale-faced nerds are allergic to dairy. My father had been bitten by a dog as a child, so those were out, too. Birds are a chirpy nuisance. My sisters had hamsters, which while ostensibly cute, rarely did much more than poop in your hand when you took them out of their cage. Occasionally they would frantically gnaw their way out of their prison and find their way to my mother's pantry, so by the time I was old enough to have a hamster of my own, it was forbidden. Instead I was allowed a single goldfish that I kept in a barren glass mixing bowl on my shelf. It wasn't much, but I was ecstatic to be allowed to own anything living, so for two whole weeks I cared for it with unparalleled attention. Then I got bored. Plus the stench of the thing and the appearance of the murky poop-filled bowl on my shelf was starting to make me nauseous. Secretly hoping it would perish from having to live in its own filth, I would clean its bowl as little as possible, but somehow it perservered. I neglected it completely for months on end, but it was resilient. I prayed for its death to no avail. Eventually, I "accidentally" sprayed some 409 into its habitat, hoping it would choke on the toxicity, but that somehow made it stronger. Finally, one day, it started to swim erratically, fighting to stop from floating to the top. I decided it was in its death throes and that I should put it out of its misery, so I dumped it into a stinky old milk carton and callously tossed it out with the trash. I wish I could say I feel bad about it, but I learned a valuable lesson. Like my mother and father before me, I'm really just NOT a pet person. Its probably a good thing I wasn't allowed a hamster. And dogsitting has put me off puppies forever, especially after dogsitting two dogs at once, when I witnessed them devour each other's poo as a late afternoon snack. I can pet and cuddle with someone else's pet at someone else's house like nobody's business, but the second it expects me to clean up its poo, I'm outtie.

I know I already posted this, but it's appropriate once more.

::: posted by dan at 11:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 :::

Blind your eyes...

...or witness a view you never wanted to see:

[FP]

You should be ashamed of yourself.

::: posted by dan at 12:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (20) comments

Monday, July 10, 2006 :::

Photolog, June - July '06

Here are a few random dan pics from the last week or so, whilst I celebrated my independence and whatnot.

Deviled eggs are effin good. That last picture is from J-Ball's 30th Birthday Surprise Party. Turns out I'm that lame guy who always ends up with the ribbon or bow on the top of his head at parties and Christmas. I'm surprised, actually, because THAT GUY is usually the same guy who would tell fart jokes and watch Blue Collar TV, which doesn't really sound like dan, but I guess I may as well accept my fate.

Here are a few more pictures from J-Ball's 30th:

And here is the whole lot, for anyone who cares.

Of course, I ended up the evening covered in wine and looking like this, which is almost identical to the first picture of this post from almost two weeks prior. I've come full circle so fast.

::: posted by dan at 11:39 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments