planetdan

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 :::

What's the opposite of Trendsetter?

Remember when I had a goatee? Yeah, I don't either. I had it for a total of two weeks nearly six years ago until one day I decided I looked like a reject from a Kevin Smith movie so I shaved it off. I just don't think I'm a facial hair kinda guy. I don't have the personality to back up whatever it is that a goatee represents. Plus the thing was a pain in the poopka to maintain.

I think this is the only surviving picture of it:

Yes, I know it was trendy to sport a goatee back then. Here is a short list of other fads I may have participated in:

First Grade: Anything Star Wars
Second Grade: Anything E.T.
Third Grade: Anything Transformers/Go-Bots (Robots in Disguise)
Fourth Grade: Police Academy Movies
Fifth Grade: Garbage Pail Kids
Sixth Grade: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Seventh Grade: Rolling and pinning jeans, concurrently
Eighth Grade: Armitron watches; Turtlenecks; Memorizing Ton Loc lyrics
Ninth Grade: Mullet and sidespike, concurrently
Tenth Grade: Adding the word "not" to the end of a sentence as a negating declarative, a'la Wayne and Garth
Eleventh Grade: Long-haired alternative haircut and skateboarder clothing, regardless of the fact that I didn't own a skateboard or know how to ride one; Memorizing Vanilla Ice lyrics
Twelfth Grade: Nirvana

Speaking of lackluster facial hair, this is my favorite exchange on The People's Court, evar*:

*Actually, there was a People's Court episode that K-Mack and I viewed once that I may have enjoyed more, where a kid was sued for throwing a rock and damaging an automobile after having to endure a chorus of "blondie-butt" taunts. And I also appreciated the episode where Divine Brown's pimp tried to sue her for not giving him his cut,** but that may have been Judge Judy now that I think about it.

**Isn't it the awesomest thing ever that Divine Brown has a Wikipedia entry?

::: posted by dan at 5:15 PM :: [ link ] :: (19) comments

I'd rather slit my wrists...

...than ever watch Ghost Rider. I don't think I've ever been so vehemently opposed to a film's existence.

::: posted by dan at 12:00 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 :::

Art in Reverse

A couple months ago I saw this story on the intarwebs about a group of people who tried to re-enact Seurat's famous painting "A Sunday on La Grande Jatte" in real life:

Not bad.

Then today I saw this guy's photography portfolio where he re-creates children's crayon drawings into photography:

Yeondoo Jung's : Wonderland

Pretty cool.

It's also available in one big graphic for side by side comparisons, if you care. It is so inspirational that I wanted to try it myself, but I didn't have any crayon drawings by children except for this portrait of me that my niece drew a few years ago which has always kind of creeped me out:

This is the best recreation I could come up with:

Nope, still creepy.

Enough with the art, here's a naked streaker farting on live TV, which I suppose is a form of art in its own right. [Thanks to Patrick!]

::: posted by dan at 6:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (23) comments

Friday, February 16, 2007 :::

Return of the Animated GIF

I love me some animated GIFs. There's something about the old-school technology that I find disarmingly charming. This one might be the best one I've seen so far this year:

Tunnel Baby: Mind = Blown [FP]

::: posted by dan at 9:20 AM :: [ link ] :: (30) comments

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 :::

Your two-month taxes-due countdown reminder.

This valentine is wonderfully subversive:

But this one is a little closer to my heart:

Wiiiiiiiiii!

::: posted by dan at 3:40 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Friday, February 09, 2007 :::

Motivational Deodorant

Early this morning, I was surprised to be greeted with a positive inspirational message from people who clearly care about my emotional well-being:

My first thought was of the dozen or so marketing directors in the Ultra Dry Degree Deodorant marketing department who probably had multiple hour-long brainstorming sessions as to decide which messages would be carved into the freshly-formed deodorant chunks. I wondered if the message was always intended to be a positive one, or if they had initially proposed more product-supporting phrases like "Stink No More" or "Apply Liberally". Once the decision was made to avoid any reference to the user's body odor, how many arguments did it take before phrases like "Exxxtreme!" and "Live The Dream!" were taken off the table? Whatever the case, I wasn't about to let the marketing managers' hard work and perseverance go to waste: today, I would take their advice to heart, and "Go For It".

And "Go For It" I did. When I craved a second bowl of cereal for breakfast, I went for it. When the green light I was approaching on the way to work turned prematurely yellow, I went for it. When I was debating whether or not to buy myself a luxuriously over-priced caffeinated beverage at the local cafe, I went for it. When I debated whether or not to use the only empty urinal that was unfortunately situated directly in between two occupied urinals, I took a deep breath and I went for it. My deodorant only wants me to proceed with confidence. Worry not, Ultra Dry Degree Invisible Stick Solid (Non-Irritating with Aloe)... it has been gone for.

Ultra Dry Degree Invisible Stick Solid (Non-Irritating with Aloe) has changed my life. My only regret is that my personalized motivational message was forever erased after one generous swipe on the armpit. Tomorrow's motivation will have to come from as-of-yet unknown alternative sources.

::: posted by dan at 12:44 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments

Woah.

It's not just that it's so considerably sized. It's that he seems to have some sort of unnatural control over its movement:

View the video.

::: posted by dan at 12:28 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Thursday, February 08, 2007 :::

In Yer Face

I always wondered what authority gives churches the right to call themselves the "first":

::: posted by dan at 12:26 AM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Friday, February 02, 2007 :::

Dan Murray

Last night I dreamt that I was preparing myself for a formal event when I noticed my hair was wildly out of control (which was probably just a subliminal aftershock from seeing that crazy bride video the other day), so I ran to my usual stylist to get a quick trim.

In waking life, there is a man-stylist at the salon who is always giving me dirty looks. My innate insecurity has led me to believe that he thinks I'm just not good-looking enough to be frequenting such a high-scale salon, which is probably true. Apparently my fear of him has invaded my subconscious, because in my dream I saw him pull my stylist aside and hand her a big wad of crumpled up cash and whisper, "I'll give you all of my tips from today if you give him a Meg Ryan. No wait, give him an Anne Murray." To my surprise, my stylist smirked and pocketed the cash, and I started to sweat through my tuxedo.

I carefully confronted my stylist as she was trimming my hair: "You know, I heard what he said, and I saw you take the cash." But she just demurred, saying "Oh no, we were just joking around. He owed me that money for a sandwich," but of course when she turned me around to face the mirror I looked something like this, only without the hoop earrings:

For the sake of comparison:

Obviously, I freaked out but then somehow the dream changed into something else where my hairstylist was a television reporter and she was interviewing me for an exposé about adoption scams and that's where all logic falls apart.

But when I woke up I was intrigued about what I'd look like with a Meg Ryan. It's much better:

Then I got a little photoshop crazy imagining what other nasty celebrity hairdos they could have inflicted upon me:

Dan as Steven Wright

Dan as Thom Yorke

Dan as Phil Spector

I had a Dan as K.D. Lang all mocked up, too, but it was just too hideous.

Oh, and while I was mocking up the Anne Murray photo, I inadvertently adjusted a transparency setting in Photoshop that gave me a startling vision of what Miller/Murray offspring might look like, and it's really not a pretty picture:

It definitely looks Canadian, though. Anyway, I have better things to do than to fool around with Photoshop all night.

::: posted by dan at 12:32 AM :: [ link ] :: (27) comments