planetdan

Friday, August 31, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Here's an animated GIF that I altered to better reflect planetdan and some of my most recent posts:

Shirtless Horrors

And here's a bonus image for people who prefer a little less self-reference and a little more injury in their animated GIFs:

False Start

And finally, here's a little non-animated Friday humor bonus, because you know I like to treat you good:

Phrases Commonly Used by 1950s Housewives That Were Often Misinterpreted by the Housewives' Husbands as Blatant Requests for Sex.
BY WHITNEY COLLINS

"I think it's time to wax the linoleum."

"Has anyone seen my muffin pan?"

"Looks like I forgot to pay the milkman."

"I'll just put my pie on the windowsill to cool."

"How about brown-bagging it for lunch tomorrow, dear?"

"Yahtzee!"

"Ward, it's time you and the Beaver had a little chat."

::: posted by dan at 1:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

There's bones in that there belly.

A lot of people think that pregnancy is a beautiful thing. I think it is disgusting on every level. Every time someone I know gets pregnant, all I can do is look at their stomach and think "There's bones in there. And a tongue. And some eyeballs. And it's all just floating around in a big slime-filled sack." I can't believe someone would actually enjoy having something like that inside them, pooping. That's why this Onion article made me laugh out loud:

By the way, I'd advise against ever Googling a phrase "parasite baby", otherwise you might have to see stuff like this. You were warned.

::: posted by dan at 1:03 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Thursday, August 30, 2007 :::

Secret Passages!

One of my most frequently recurring dreams is the one where I find a secret door in my basement that leads to a whole new room or extra level in my house that I never knew existed. It's always super exciting in a I-have-to-poop-at-the-bookstore kind-of-way and I always wake up disappointed that it's not a reality. I have the dream so often that I thought I would seek the help of Google for an analysis, and this is what I found:

Your dream theme is "finding extra rooms in a house". This is common to people at times when their dreams are putting them in touch with the feeling that there is "room" to grow and much more "room" to be. At times when we are not recognising our full potential...

The dream house tends to symbolise the dreamer's mind, the rooms being the compartments and space within...

Your dream shows you your "room for potential", mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Room to spread yourself out, occupy and utilise new space and live fully in a greater way.

...but I kinda think that's a load of crap. I think I'm really just dreaming that I'd like a bigger house and a new room to decorate, because I can be really materialistic like that. And because sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

PS. I took the above picture of the hidden doorway a while ago in the craziest residence I've ever seen during the oddest party I've ever attended (T-bone can back me up on that). I was super jealous of it. Here are some more pics of the same event:

::: posted by dan at 12:38 PM :: [ link ] :: (16) comments

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 :::

The Cherry Nut Cancer Strut

My good friend Cherry Nut walked 60 miles for boobs last weekend. Her walking team wore ribbons for people they know who have battled breast cancer, like my mama (who is fine now, by the way):

I made her a graphic to put on T-shirts and to show my support:

She braved the unforgiving sun and heat over the course of the three day walk:

She's been known to battle other elements for the sake of staying active as well:

Anyway, I think walking 60 miles is crazy, but that doesn't make us any less proud of her!

::: posted by dan at 8:19 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Monday, August 27, 2007 :::

Please illuminate.

Why do people do this? Or more to the point: how, during the course of the years that it takes to grow such a monstrosity, does one NOT look in a mirror, gag, and run for the trimming shears?

::: posted by dan at 11:26 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Friday, August 24, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

I'd like to make this week's Animated Friday posting a tribute to Little Superstar. Over the last couple years, he has brought loads of smiles 'n' sunshine to many-a-day on planetdan. And finally, he is available in animated GIF format:

Little Superstar

Sure, he's been available for years in a longer and even creepier video format, but a little Little Superstar goes a long way.

If that doesn't float your boat, then here is a more typical Animated Friday posting:

Save the cheerleader, save the... oops too late.

::: posted by dan at 4:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 :::

TV Personalities You Never Wanted to See Shirtless, Volume I

Thanks to the Internet, things that should never even be imagined are fully realized. Some of these might be photoshopped, some might be real, but regardless, you'll probably need a lot of this when all is said and done:

#1 Alex Trebek
My friend J-Balls will probably like this one.

#2 John Stossel
If you don't know who this is, you're lucky.

#3 Geraldo Rivera
Where did this guy ever get the impression that he was good-looking?

#4 The Geico Caveman
Don't tell me you weren't curious...

#5 Carrot Top
:( :( :( :( :(

#6 Jerry Springer
Surprisingly, like looking in a mirror.

#6 ALF
The Internet is a strange, strange place.

You're welcome!

::: posted by dan at 11:27 AM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 :::

Mad Weight, Yo

Kmack and I watched some documentary about 9/11 conspiracies last night. Apparently Kmack was unaware that there was any controversy at all. She was completely oblivious to all the online muckraking and the tinfoil-hat stories about how the twin towers were actually brought down with hidden demolition charges that were secretly controlled by our very own government! And that's just one of a hundred crazy theories they were able to debunk with little effort during the illuminating two-hour documentary. And yet there are still thousands of obsessive people, ranting at the tops of their lungs about conspiracies and the temperature at which steel melts and yadda yadda yadda, as if they were actually trained in structural engineering and possesed the proper knowledge to be talking out of their asses with such confidence.

Then Kmack, in all of her elemental glory, said it best when she suddenly mused: "If the government wanted to start a war or stage a terrorist attack... wouldn't one plane into one building have been plenty?"

And then I stumbled upon this graphic today that deftly wins the argument using nothing but the elegance of simplicity. I apologize in advance for the cussing.

It's quite simple, really. [fp]

::: posted by dan at 9:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Friday, August 17, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Every time I mention the fact that I hate motorcycles I get unprecedented hate mail, but I don't care...

Motorcycles are way too dangerous.

And the people that ride them can be asshats.

::: posted by dan at 12:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Thursday, August 16, 2007 :::

Yay Nature!

Nature is kinda gruesome. I tend not to appreciate it as much as most people do. I'd rather just sit back and watch it from the safety of my internet:

::: posted by dan at 12:13 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Wednesday, August 15, 2007 :::

Nom Nom Nom

I've seen this dood walking his McDonalds-lovin'-dog around Uptown three times in the last week:

It's probably not a good idea to be feeding your dog fastfood on such regular basis, but I still think it's the cutest thing ever. And for all I know he's got a Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad in there.

::: posted by dan at 10:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Friday, August 10, 2007 :::

Don't forget your jugs.

We had our annual Summer Work Party last night, and this year I was in charge of coming up with a game or activity to entertain my coworkers. I decided the only thing I am really good at is Photoshop, so I created a "Name That Hair" game where I swapped the heads and the hairdos of my coworkers and made them guess whose hair was on whose head. These are a couple of my favorites, a bald Cherry Nut and the worst picture possible of my good buddy Jason:

Of course, in order to avoid accusations of cruelty or mockery, I had to include myself in the gag:

I kinda look like that stoner kids from Dazed and Confused.

Another cool thing about the party is that I didn't make a huge fool out of myself like I normally do at these functions. I kept my cool and stayed mostly sober the whole time. Except maybe for when I told my coworker who was leaving the party not to forget her "jugs". I was referring to the complimentary water bottles that we had emblazoned with our corporate logo to hand out as party gifts, but my mind of course found the most inappropriate substitute word possible. Oops. Still, alls well that ends well.

::: posted by dan at 1:41 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Animated Friday!

Testosterone might not diminish with age, but agility and balance apparently do:

Punches = Thrown

::: posted by dan at 11:42 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Thursday, August 09, 2007 :::

Ripe for a Spankin'

I was playing with Falling Georgie today, which I often tend to do for much longer than I should (it's both hypnotic and cathartic at the same time), when he got stuck on a bubble and appeared to bare his assets:

It's a disturbing discovery, especially in light of his recent colonoscopy. I'd never noticed before that I should have rated him PG-13, but consider yourself warned.

::: posted by dan at 11:44 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Planetdan = Sell Out

You might have noticed a recent addition to planetdan in the last couple months: ads. I initially subscribed to Google Adsense in a rather pathetic attempt to earn a fast buck. Turns out those bucks aren't earned so fast after all. But on the plus side, I have become obsessed with the ads and their placement. Apparently Google crawls the content of every page on my site and posts ads that it thinks are most relevent to the content, so my new past time is trying to figure out which ad corresponds with what content.

It's quite obvious where some of them are coming from, and yet the I'm still surprised by how deeper the Internet goes than I ever imagined:

PS. Not that I want to increase the frequency of squirrel message board ads on my site, but someone sent me this Drunken Squirrel Youtube video the other day that I think it quite worth checking out.

Anyway, some of the ad placements baffle me:

Some of them make me gag:

And sometimes the way Google places the ads makes me think it has a sense of humor of its own:

And just in case you were worried, they finally found that long lost Garlic Bread recipe of legend:

Phew, we can sleep soundly tonight.

So even though ads aren't as profitable as I thought they might be (or at all for that matter), I think I'll keep them around for the entertainment and enlightenment.

::: posted by dan at 7:54 AM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Tuesday, August 07, 2007 :::

Happy Birfday Intarweb!

According to Wired, today is the birthday of the Double-U Double-U Double-U (World Wide Web).

[FP]

If it weren't for the WWW, I wouldn't have a job, a hobby, or a social life. I also wouldn't know the joy of LOLcats, Fan Fiction, or Animated GIFs. I suppose out of appreciation I should get it a present or something. But what do you get for something that has everything?

I'm thinking maybe a pair of topless sandals.

Of course, this means that the Web is 16, so it's probably going through its sullen, withdrawn, goth phase. Actually, the World Wide Web is a pretty popular fella, so I can probably just get it a shell necklace and call it a day.

::: posted by dan at 11:55 AM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Friday, August 03, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

So, you expect a couple of clasped hands to counteract your momentum, but not the huge wooden plank?

Someone needs to find a new hobby.

::: posted by dan at 12:48 PM :: [ link ] :: (9) comments

Wednesday, August 01, 2007 :::

Long Haired Hippie People Need Not Apply

This is the senator that Al Franken is running to defeat in '08:

Celebstoner thinks he's a hypocrite for being an ex-hippie-pothead Republican, considering his recent voting records. But lets be honest, calling a Republican a Hypocrite is no big feat. I just think he's a party-flipping egocentric vote-whoring a-hole who looks like a troll regardless of his hair length.

On a related note, anagrams are fun:

NORMAN COLEMAN = NO LAMER CONMAN

NORMAN COLEMAN = MEAN CLAN MORON

NORMAN COLEMAN = ME ANAL CORN NOM

Okay, that last one doesn't make sense, but I had to include it because I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to use the phrase "anal corn" online again.

::: posted by dan at 9:04 PM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

I Hate Yard Work

Mowing the lawn is my least favorite chore of all time. If I could, I would replace the whole shebang with a pile of rocks and never look back.

Emo? Back in my day, we called them Goth. I don't know what the self-flaggelating groups were called before that. Regular old satanists? Opus Dei? I dunno. But god love 'em!

::: posted by dan at 8:05 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments