planetdan

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 :::

Um, I'm busted.

I stayed over at a friend's cabin the other weekend. I'm not exactly a fan of being out-of-doors or of taking my shirt off in public, but sometimes it's just nice to get out of the city and relax on a boat.

My friends were kind enough to let me sleep in their mother's bedroom that evening, so in the morning I used her master bathroom to clean myself up and take a shower. Unfortunately, I had neglected to bring any soap or shampoo along with me. I'm never quite sure of the proper etiquette in that sort of situation: do I just rinse off and hope that water alone is good enough to wash away the smells of the previous day in the wilderness, or do I sneak a little of the host's soap and shampoo for a good a proper cleaning?

I decided that I would sneak a little body wash. It looked kinda fancy and probably expensive, but it's not like anyone would ever notice one day's worth of soap missing from a huge bottle of bodywash, right?

A few hours later I found myself lounging in the sunshine on a boat deck. The heat was considerable, so I worked up the courage to remove my shirt and allow my porcelain white skin to absorb some sun. As I lie basking, I heard my friend ask:

"Um, why are you all sparkly?"

I looked down to see that I was covered in glitter, head to toe. Apparently, my friend's mother's bodywash was even fancier than I thought. I was a bodywash thief, and there was no hiding it. I eventually had to come clean, as it were. If I believed in that sort of stuff, I would say that the karma gods had a hearty laugh at my expense that day.

Yes, there are pictures of my glittery body, but due to my poor body image I'm only going to show you a small snippet of my sparkly skin:

Somehow the cropped image is even more disturbing than the original. Sometimes a little skin is worse than a lot of skin. Oh well. Sorry for that.

::: posted by dan at 5:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Um, you're busted.

A married couple who didn't realise they were chatting each other up on the internet are divorcing.

Sana Klaric and husband Adnan, who used the names "Sweetie" and "Prince of Joy" in an online chatroom, spent hours telling each other about their marriage troubles, Metro.co.uk reported.

The truth emerged when the two turned up for a date. Now the pair... are divorcing after accusing each other of being unfaithful.

I think I would pay almost anything to see the exact moment when they both realized what was going on. But I don't really understand... they got married in the first place, then fell in love again over the Internet, but are still getting divorced? Don't you think it would have reinforced how made-for-each-other they actually are? Isn't that happily-ever-after material? Or am I being way too Hollywood-endingy?

::: posted by dan at 3:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Monday, September 24, 2007 :::

Oh, dan.

Was it only last week that I made fun of drunk people dancing at weddings?

Friday night turned me into a huge hypocrite.

::: posted by dan at 8:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Friday, September 21, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

It's all about angles.

Inertia + Momentum + Poor Judgment = Fail

Inertia + Lack of Momentum + Poor Judgment = Fail: The Sequel

::: posted by dan at 1:34 PM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 :::

YES, YOU FORGOT MY BLOGIVERSARY YET AGAIN.

Today marks the five year anniversary of my first blog post evar. If we were married, you'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Planetdan.net has actually been around since 1999 as an ill-conceived portfolio website when I was still in my fertile early-employment stages. But I decided that "planetdan" didn't exactly sound professional, so on September 19th 2002 I birthed my blog instead, which was probably a smart move, considering this paragraph from a recent resume do's-and-dont's article that made me laugh the other day:

Colored paper, cutesy fonts, links to personal websites and childish e-mail addresses all scream unprofessional and are a turn off to hiring managers. One otherwise qualified applicant didn't get an interview at Bandujo's firm solely because of the name in her email address: "weird2themax."

"I recognize the advertising industry is full of talented, interesting 'characters'," Bandujo says, "but did I really want one who thought she was weird to the max?" No, he decided, he did not.

But I digress. This post is about celebrating ME. So let's get on with that. I'm sure somebody, somewhere got me a cake, right? And just so you know, my blogiversary happens to coincide with International Talk Like a Pirate Day, so now you guys won't forget to buy me presents next year.

When you think of "Avast Ye Matey", think of dan.

::: posted by dan at 2:20 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Tuesday, September 18, 2007 :::

In my pants right now.

You may think that this is just a pathetic excuse to post a crotch shot, but unbeknownst to me there was a nice little surprise hidden behind the zipper of the new pants that I brought to the tailor to get hemmed last week:

She's sewn right in there, nice and good. The nice Asian lady who tailors my clothes thought it was particularly funny. She'd never seen anything like it. I think she thought it was racy. And to think, I originally purchased them for my upcoming trip to the Vatican.

I want to tell everyone I encounter about my own personal secret fly girl, but somehow I don't think it would ever be a good idea to start out a conversation with: "Hey, wanna see what happens when I unzip my fly?"

::: posted by dan at 8:22 PM :: [ link ] :: (12) comments

Friday, September 14, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

Nom nom nom.

Rockin' the Five Feathered Discount

[And here's the video from whence it came.]

And to even further your enhance your pleasure this Friday afternoon, here is a picture of a disappointed monkey:

UPDATE:

Did you know that I have an obsession with photoshopping my face onto almost every picture I find? Is that a sign of egomania or narcissism? I can never remember the difference.

::: posted by dan at 11:51 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Nobody likes a whiner.

You should really pity this guy. Winning 79 million dollars in cold hard cash has really been hell. Some people probably believe in that old adage that says "be careful what you wish for because it might come true," because it makes them feel better thinking that it actually wouldn't be all grapes and gravy to win the lottery. But I don't buy that crap for one second. Winning the lottery would be a major life improvement for 99.999999% of the population.

A Lottery Nightmare

This part of the article is my favorite. It describes just one of the many hardships he's had to endure after hitting the jackpot:

His home and car were repeatedly burglarized. At a strip club, thieves broke into his Lincoln Navigator and stole a briefcase stuffed with $245,000 in $100 bills and three $100,000 cashiers checks. The briefcase was later found, with the money.

Awww! They left him at the titty-bar without no cash fer panty-stuffin'! Can you imagine?

::: posted by dan at 11:40 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Thursday, September 13, 2007 :::

Songs I hate irrationally, rationalized.

There are certain songs that make me inexplicably angry, which apparently is not all that usual. My friend Stacy has the same response to any version of "Lean on Me". It doesn't necessarily need to be a bad song to get my blood boiling, although many of them are. Regardless of quality, hearing even the first few notes makes me indescribably mad, so it's usually a race to the radio to switch the station as fast as possible. But sometimes when I am at the bar or attending a party, the fuming is inescapable. So I will try to rationalize my irrationality:

Songs I hate irrationally, rationalized:

You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC
Possible Explanation: I think this one is a casualty that can be blamed on mediocre wedding DJs. I hate watching barefoot drunk girls in formal wear and guys in ties with rolled-up sleeves singing along to this lame tune, fists pumping in the air, sweaty hair clinging to sweaty foreheads, as if it signifies some form of rebellion.

Stupid Boy by The Gear Daddies
Possible Explanation: I think this one angers me because it is so dang bland. It's like the aural equivalent of a saltine cracker.

Dyslexic Heart by Paul Westerberg
Possible Explanation: Maybe it's because the word "dyslexic" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Or maybe it's how clever Paul thinks he is for describing a love/hate relationship as having a "dyslexic heart". Or maybe it's all the endless Na-Na-Nas that permeate the melody. Or maybe it's because it was on the soundtrack to one of the worst movies of all time. I don't know, but it makes my face turn red when I hear it.

Drift Away by Uncle Kracker
Possible Explanation: I'm not a fan of the original Dobie Gray version either. Nor am I a fan of the countless American Idol versions. Nor am I a fan of the barely-legal backwards-baseball-cap-wearing 21-year-old drunken ass who uses this song to serenade some random girl at the college town bar while simultaneously handing her a third raspberry kami. I'm just not a fan, period.

Calling All Angels by Train
Possible Explanation: Train is the worst band of all time, so I shouldn't have to explain myself. But I'm sure it has something to do with the schmaltzy sentiment of lame-ass lyrics that gets the adult contemporary music crowd humming. Train should be the standard litmus test for bad musical taste.

Friends in Low Places by Garth Brooks
Possible Explanation: I realize that by country music standards, this song really isn't all that bad. It could be a lot worse. But I think my hatred of it boils down to a single word: oasis. I like a good sing-along as much as the next guy, but when this song gets played in public and the chorus rolls around, there will inevitably be five guys that hold their mugs of beer tight to their chest, close their eyes tight, lean back, and belt out at the top of their lungs: "...I'll slip on down to the OOOOOO-AY-SIS!" Just that one line. It's like a bonding ritual for drunk ex-frat boys with fake southern drawls.

Suicide is Painless the theme song to M*A*S*H
Possible Explanation: Perhaps this song doesn't anger me as much as it gives me a sour stomach, but I think it has something to do with the vague memory of my grade school afternoons, when the light was fading, my cartoons were ending, the early-evening adult reruns were beginning, and the salty smell of Hamburger Helper hung heavy in the air.

American Pie by Don McLean
Possible Explanation: The inexcusable length? The rhyming of Chevy with Levy? The singer's doughy face and wispy hair? I'm not sure, but if this song doesn't make you inexplicably angry, then you need to lower your meds and start living for gosh sakes.

Those are all just theories, but it feels good to get it all off my chest. Constant self-examination is very important.

::: posted by dan at 11:52 PM :: [ link ] :: (24) comments

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 :::

Scariest Clown Ever

"I want to give my daughter a birthday she will never forget!"

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

I do not know these people, nor where the photo came from, but I just wanted to register my EXTREME DISAPPROVAL.

::: posted by dan at 5:51 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Tuesday, September 11, 2007 :::

Hot Beef Sundae

I didn't make it to the Minnesota State Fair this year. Thank god. Because if it was anything like Iowa's...

[FP]

::: posted by dan at 6:47 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Friday, September 07, 2007 :::

Animated Friday!

I think bullfighting is pretty lame. Sure it seems ballsy, and a lot of the Matador's movements are balletic and graceful, but do they really gotta kill the bull after? It seems cruel, especially since they put so much ceremony around taunting the poor thing first. That's why I like to see things like this:

A Last Minute Psyche-Out Take Down

Take that, sucka!

And if you need more diversion on a boring Friday afternoon at work, I've finally gotten around to updating my Reviews section, which I had let lag for a good long while. I plan to get back to updating it regularly again, so feel free to pretend to care about my opinions on the most recent movies, books, and music that I've been enjoying.

::: posted by dan at 12:30 PM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Wednesday, September 05, 2007 :::

The World Shall Not Be Your Own Personal Toilet

I realize that most people disagree with me on this point, but I really think that peeing in a lake is trashy and disgusting. I don't really care what your excuse is. On the one hand, I had previously never been able to do it myself, due to my inability to just relax and let go, so perhaps my disgust was actually just disguised jealousy. But on the other hand, it's really just not appetizing to see people swimming and floating and splashing around in what is basically a big community toilet, regardless of lake size. Plus, I'd like to believe that we humans have reached a level of civilization where we would think twice about the prospect of gleefully splashing around in your own urine, as well as the urine of countless others.

But last weekend was a turning point for me. Faced with the decision of peeing in the lake or my own pants, I chose the lake, and after reaching a state of zen-like relaxation through intense meditation and concentration, I let it loose. And now that I've finally been able to participate in this seemingly popular tradition, I can definitively say that it was not jealously that initially led me to be disgusted by the practice of lake-peeing. On the contrary, I just think it's gross. In this photograph, which captures the exact moment of my inaugural underwater bladder evacuation, you can clearly see my look of utter disgust with myself:

So my lake-peeing career was over just as fast as it began. Hopefully, I will not be put in the position of having to decide between lake or pants again. And I sincerely apologize to those who swam after me.

Speaking of lake pee, I find this video to be simultaneously funny and cruel. One deserves a little humiliation for using the world as their own personal toilet:

::: posted by dan at 12:49 PM :: [ link ] :: (22) comments