planetdan

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 :::

Lil' E Knows Good TV

It's not just that I have cool friends, it's that my friends have cool babies, so the cycle of coolness never ends. For instance, Kwatts and Cwatts have the cutest baby ever, and she's already displaying a tendency for having awesome taste in TV:

I think my favorite part is when the intro ends and she slumps down from the TV, dejected and depressed. I know how you feel, Lil' E. I used to get that excited too, and it's been a loooong year without them. :(

::: posted by dan at 11:29 AM :: [ link ] :: (14) comments

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 :::

Unscrambled

This is all over the internet lately, but it's too fun not too post, especially with my history with Sexy Scrabble:

Sexy Scrabble, indeed.

For all you pervs: the actual answer is probably "subtext".

::: posted by dan at 12:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Monday, January 28, 2008 :::

Toe Graft Update

Not that I want to seem obsessed with toe grafts and thumb replacements (let's see what those phrases do to my google ads), but Jim from Ohio emailed me a video which seems to bolster our theory that perhaps the big toe is not exactly the best choice to replace a thumb after all. Apparently middle toes can work just as well, and with less of an impact on the foot in general:

Watch the whole video here. Dood can still play his video games.

In my opinion, it's no less grody.

::: posted by dan at 6:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (3) comments

Friday, January 25, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Wild Horse Edition!)

Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken, but Reporter's Bones Can

Bonus GIF:

I suppose this is a donkey and not a horse, but he's still one wild sumbitch.

::: posted by dan at 1:23 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

Palate Cleanser

My last two posts were generally just kinda gross, so I need to post a cute palate-cleansing image:

Floating Chinese babies can make any wrong right again.

::: posted by dan at 8:19 AM :: [ link ] :: (11) comments

Thursday, January 24, 2008 :::

Toe Finger

My friend C-Minus used to know a guy who had some skin graphed onto is pinky from his armpit after an accident when he was younger. When he hit puberty his pinky started to sprout pubic hair. I always thought that was really unfortunate and rather gross. But this is probably worse:

I've heard of appendage replacement operations like this before, but I've never actually seen an example of it until now. Kinda wish I hadn't. But my questions is: do they just leave the foot with no toe? Or do they replace that, too? Is it just a never ending cycle of replacing more important appendages with less important ones until finally all your toes and fingers are in the wrong place and your earlobes are missing? Where does it all end?

::: posted by dan at 11:11 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 :::

Overheard at the STD Clinic

A couple weeks ago I blogged about the podunk couple at the specialty clinic who were filling out their medical histories with their volume set to eleven, but I guess I didn't realize how lucky I was, because at least it wasn't an STD clinic:

Citypages: Talk Dirty to Me - Things Overheard at the STD Clinic

Warning: some of them made me gag. As the requisite palate cleanser, here is this year's top ten list, and the last and only top ten list ever needed, from McSweeneys, which I found to be crushingly clever:

Top Ten Best Ever.
BY PETER FERLAND

1. "Standard" by Generally Beloved

2. "Obvious" by Everyone's List

3. "Understandable" by Debatable but Worthy

4. "Totally Obscure" by Feel Suddenly Inferior

5. "Universally Forgotten" by Curiously Vehement Reverence

6. Whole body of work by Your Ignorance Limits You

7. "Otherwise Underwhelming" by What Was Playing That Time Specific to Me When Everything Came Together Just as It Should Have

8. "Footnote" by Guess Which Were My Drugs

9. "Other-Culture Techno Trance Experience" by See How Well-Rounded I Am

10. "Children's Version of See Above" by We've Got Kids Now

::: posted by dan at 7:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Friday, January 18, 2008 :::

Animated Friday!

Gravity is a curious thing.

Sometimes its presence it felt, harshly.

Sometimes the lack of it can be just as cruel.

::: posted by dan at 10:43 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Thursday, January 17, 2008 :::

Insulting Compliments

I was on vacation at one point last year getting my photograph taken in front of some old building or cathedral or something. After the photographer snapped the picture with my camera, I rejoined him to review the photo before moving on. The picture looked okay to me: there I stood, all happy and proud to be there, with a big toothy grin on my face. My pearlies were practically sparkling in the setting afternoon sun. Upon seeing the image of my beaming smile displayed on the back of my digital camera, my acquaintance said:

"You know, you have a really nice closed-mouth smile."

The true meaning of that "compliment" wasn't lost on me. The rest of my photos from that particular vacation bare no teeth.

But I really shouldn't judge. The other day we got on the unfortunate topic of "What animal does each of our friends resemble?" and I told Cherry Nut she reminded me of a big horse. In my head, I was picturing something majestic and proud, with a long flowing mane, kinda like The Black Stallion or something. But regardless, I don't think girls like being called big horses.

For the record, I was told I resembled and orangutan.

::: posted by dan at 10:32 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 :::

Faultless

My sister and I came across this little gem in the back of a long-forgotten bathroom cabinet this weekend:

It had a copyright date of 1980 on it - so we are way beyond its four year guarantee. I don't know if the lady on the box needs a douche or an enema, but either way it looks like it may be urgent.

And she doesn't look at all "faultless". In fact, she looks guilty as hell.

::: posted by dan at 7:59 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Friday, January 11, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Rad Edition)!

Oh man, that's so rad!

Could it get any radder?

The raddest of them all:

That's why I always ride my bike like an old lady: slow and steady.

::: posted by dan at 4:55 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Thursday, January 10, 2008 :::

TMI

I found myself in a specialty health clinic waiting room earlier this week, where a middle-aged podunk couple sitting a few seats away from me were filling out their medical history chart. For some reason this couple did not understand the private nature of such information, so they both talked at full volume for the whole room to hear, as if their voices didn't have any subtler options between off and the-top-of-your-lungs. It went a little something like this:

Podunk wife with clipboard and checklist: You got trouble sleeping?
Podunk husband with hobo beard and missing teeth: Yep.
Podunk wife: You got trouble waking up early?
Podunk husband: Yep.
Podunk wife: You got trouble staying asleep?
Podunk husband: Yep.
Podunk wife: Itchiness?
Podunk husband: Yep.
Podunk wife: Hot sweats?
Podunk husband: Yep.
Podunk wife: Pain in your joints?
Podunk husband: Yep.
Podunk wife: Tingling in your feet?
Podunk husband: Just in my butt and legs.
Podunk wife: Tingling in your hands?
Podunk husband: Just in my butt and legs.
Podunk wife: Tingling in your neck or head?
Podunk husband: WOMAN! I TOLD YOU JUST IN MY BUTT AND IN MY LEGS!!!
Podunk wife: Irritability?
Podunk husband: Nope.

But the worst part was when he would answer before she would finish asking the question, because it really made my mind race. For example there was this little exchange:

Podunk wife: What color is your...
Podunk husband: Yellow.

Grody to the max. It's sad when I actually have to think the phrase "I hope they were talking about his urine." I am always fascinated by people who have a complete lack of shame. I got plenty to spare, in case anyone needs some extra.

::: posted by dan at 11:18 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 :::

Two can play at that game, mister.

A few people have sent me this article in the last couple days. It's about a fellow "Dan Miller" and rap enthusiast who has legally changed his name to "The" Dan Miller Experience.

Now admittedly, the whole name-change idea had never even occurred to me, but now that it's been thrown out there I'm feeling a little bit cheated. What makes this guy "THE" Official Dan Miller Experience? I think I should have at least been given a shot at the title. I think I could have been a contender:

Now THAT'S a Dan Miller Experience to be reckoned with.

Winner = me.

::: posted by dan at 6:33 PM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

Tuesday, January 08, 2008 :::

Unintentional flattery will get you everywhere.

Add me to the list of the millions of people who went to the gym for the first time in months this week, united in our common New Year's Resolution to quit being lumpy fatsos. I kind of soured on the gym after it gave me mono, stole my pants, and humiliated me in every possible way. But I figured that real results are achieved through pain and sacrifice, so it's back to the Bally's I go.

This time I was humiliated by my own arrogance and susceptibility to flattery. It happened after I had just completed my jog on the treadmill. Sweaty and panting, I was straining hard while stretching on a mat when a Bally's Trainer approached me and said:

"People are going to think you're a Trainer!"

I was immediately flattered. Clearly I didn't look as flabby as I thought I did. The Bally's Trainer obviously could see the enthusiasm and effort I was putting into my workout. I must be looking good. I could barely hold back a proud smile. I practically screamed "Thanks!" and continued on with my workout, only now I stood a little bit taller.

A while later, during my cool down, I caught a glimpse of myself while passing a mirror and realized that my red T-shirt and black wind pants were a direct match for the Bally's Trainer uniform. Rather than being impressed with my physique and workout stamina, the Trainer was actually just making a remark about my outfit, and how it so closely resembled his own. Suddenly, my ethusiastic reply of "Thanks!" seemed entirely inappropriate, and downright awkward.

I should have known better. You don't wear a red sweater to Target, and you don't wear the Bally's brand colors at the gym.

I hate the gym.

::: posted by dan at 11:43 AM :: [ link ] :: (7) comments

At which point you know you've gone WAY over the top...

I know that they like to say they do things "big" in Texas, but there still has to be a point where common sense makes one reconsider certain outlandish ideas, such as having a life-size wedding cake made of yourself:

[read all about it]

I'm not sure which is worse: her actual wedding dress which looks like she barfed up potpourri all over the front of herself, or the fact that she had it immortalized in frosting.

I think the most telling image is the one where the groom is shoved into the background, forced to peer impishly over the bride's shoulder in a desperate attempt to be noticed, as if he's lucky even to be included in the photograph. It's not hard to tell who's wearing the pants in that relationship.

Yay for Texas.

::: posted by dan at 8:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments

Friday, January 04, 2008 :::

Animated Friday!

Even though "professional" wrestling might not technically be a sport, it definitely requires more practice than some people are willing to do.

Oh, and ouch.

And here is a bonus that's-gotta-hurt gif.

::: posted by dan at 4:27 PM :: [ link ] :: (2) comments

The truth comes out in North Minneapolis

Finally the church admits that Jesus loved nailin' them broads...

*cue rimshot*

[Taken not far from where I live, but not by me. From here.]

And while we're on the subject, another curious sign:

So wait, should I or shouldn't I go near the platform's edge?

::: posted by dan at 12:07 AM :: [ link ] :: (6) comments

Wednesday, January 02, 2008 :::

2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Do you think the beads and the hat and the neck garland and the over sized plastic rape whistle and the mouthful of Baileys are overkill?

I used to make elaborate year-end lists of my favorites things, but for the last couple years I just can't imagine that anyone would care what I liked and didn't like. Plus, I just didn't see nearly enough movies or read nearly enough books. Plus I'm super lazy. So I'll be quick about it:

Favorite Books of 2007:
I never read books the year they come out, but the best book I read in 2007 regardless of release date was undoubtedly Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I also really enjoyed Under the Banner of Heaven by Krakauer, because Mormons are, like, crazy and stuff.

Favorite Movies of 2007:
This really isn't fair because I didn't see half the movies I wanted to.
3. Superbad
2. Juno
1. No Country for Old Men

Best movie not from 2007 that I finally saw:
Hard Candy

Worst Movie I saw all year:
The Holiday

Favorite CDs of 2007:
I seem to have lost my edge. If I were trying to be hip, I'd put Of Montreal on here too, but honestly that CD's charm faded on me after just a couple listens.
5. Feist - The Reminder
4. Suzanne Vega - Beauty & Crime
3. Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton - What is Free to a Good Home?
2. The Owls - Suns and Daughters
1. Radiohead - In Rainbows

Favorite Songs of 2007:
In no particular order.
Cleanse Song by Bright Eyes
The Bank by Emily Haines
Reckoner by Radiohead
My Moon My Man by Feist
What We Had by Handsome Furs
Almost Over by Elliott Smith
Happy Alone by Earlimart
For Those in Favor by the Owls
Big Wheel by Tori Amos
Luscious Life by Patrick Watson
Lake Michigan by Rogue Wave
Zephyr & I by Suzanne Vega

Favorite People I Don't Know of 2007:
Tina Fey - For saying that the word Lovers "really bums me out unless it's between the words Meat and Pizza".
Stewey on the Family Guy - Because I like the pitter patter of this little footsteps.
Ellen Paige - For making Hard Candy believable.
Sarah Silverman - For the episode where she becomes a lesbian.
Kathy Griffin (Shut up, I like her) - For hating Ann Coulter.
Nigel Godrich - For getting Radiohead out of their funk.
Miranda July - Because she's just plain awesome.
Michael Cera - Because he was funny once or twice.

My new mortal enemy:
Liev Schrieber, for ruining one of my favorite books of all time.

Favorite TV Show of 2007:
Now that Gilmore Girls is long gone, I guess I have to say 30 Rock. Or all day back-to-back Law & Order reruns.

Resolutions for 2008:
3. Spend Less Money
2. See Radiohead Live in Concert
1. Lose The Gut

::: posted by dan at 11:14 PM :: [ link ] :: (5) comments