planetdan

Thursday, September 18, 2008 :::

My Nightmare, Actualized

My dad called me "chunky" the other day. It turned out to be a bigger motivator than I would have thought, because it actually got me to go back to the gym. Not that I'm grateful he said it or anything, but it's an impressive feat because it cannot be overstated how much I hate the gym.

In the past year I've used my gym membership maybe four times, and in my extended absence my balance and dexterity haven't exactly improved. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at what happened. And what happened was awful. Today was the day my worst gym nightmare came true.

I was doing some sort of chest press exercise on a weight machine when I noticed a man hovering to the side of me. He was clearly waiting for his turn to blast his pecs, and he didn't look none too patient about it. I anxiously finished my set and stood up to wipe down the machine, but I could feel the man's eyes boring into the back of my skull and I got nervous and distracted, so when I turned to leave I forgot that I was still straddling part of the machine. My body lurched and I went down hard, like a sack of potatoes.

There are two things you need to know in order to accurately picture how awful this was: 1) I'm an excessive sweater, so after having previously spent 30 minutes on the elliptical machine my shirt was fully saturated with nary a dry spot, and 2) The flooring in my gym is this black foam rubber material that might be easy to clean but isn't exactly forgiving. So when my body hit the floor it made a loud, wet smacking sound, almost akin to the smack you might hear the moment a "chunky" bellyflopper hits the surface of the water.

With my cheek flat to the ground, I heard the hovering man say "Aw, man, you alright?" But I had to keep my cool so I quickly stood up and shook it off with a forcedly casual "Oh yeah, man, I'm fine." Then he cryptically said "you left a mark," which I immediately interpreted as meaning I had injured myself. I quickly scanned my legs for blood or bruises but everything seemed to be in order. That's when I noticed he wasn't looking at me, he was looking at the floor. When I followed his gaze and looked down, I saw this:

I didn't wait around to see how long it took to evaporate. I think I'm permanently done with the gym.

::: posted by dan at 8:02 PM :: [ link ] :: (15) comments

Sunday, September 14, 2008 :::

The Palin Effect... on my blog.

I'm trying to avoid politics on my blog, but I saw this the other day and laughed out loud:

And while I do agree with the political statement being implied by the above graphic, I think it's actually the Bush-in-drag imagery that I really responded to. I know this because the following bit of genius photoshoppery, which I also cannot take credit for creating, makes me laugh hysterically every time I look at it:

He almost makes a more handsome woman than a president. Actually, he definitely makes a more handsome woman than a president.

And on the same subject of politics: my friend told me I needed to create a Falling Sarah Palin screensaver to go with my arsenal of other falling politican screensavers, so I said "Sure, but what should I have her falling on?" and she abuptly said "Fetuses." So introducing:

The Falling Sarah Palin Screensaver: Fetus Edition
But even though I'm proud that I was Flash-savvy enough to make the amniotic sac transparent, I think it's still kinda gross to look at, and actually probably makes a stronger political statement than I am really ready to stand by right now. So in order to soften it up a bit, I remembered Palin's pandering to soccer moms and tried another idea:

The Falling Sarah Palin Screensaver: Soccer Mom Edition
But that was almost playing it too safe. I wanted it to be edgy without being offensive, and floaty soccer balls just weren't cutting the mustard. But then I had one final brainstorm:

The Falling Sarah Palin Screensaver: Pitbull Edition
Bingo! That's the effect I was going for.

I really don't like Sarah Palin, but then I really don't like most Republicans. But that's about as political as I'm going to get on my blog this campaign season. Oh, and in case you missed it, this is probably the funniest that Saturday Night Live has been in a long time.

::: posted by dan at 3:12 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Friday, September 12, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Flat On Your Face Edition)!

Last week's animated GIFs were of my favorite subject: people falling down. But they were too seemingly painful to really fully enjoy. I think this crop of slightly-less-graphic animated clips might ellicit a more guilt-free LOL, but it really depends on how sympathetic you are toward:

Middle-Aged Women with No Upper Body Strength

Douchebags Showing Off On the Beach

Utter Morons

::: posted by dan at 12:59 PM :: [ link ] :: (1) comments

Tuesday, September 09, 2008 :::

iPod, Circa 1973

I'm confused as to why I am so in love with my new 1973 Seeburg Matador Jukebox and all the classic 45s that it plays. I know I just got it last Sunday, but I can't stop looking at it and fondling it and dreaming about it and rubbing up against it:

What confuses me is that it basically does the same job as my iPod, yet it's a thousand times bigger, a million times heavier, holds over 59,000 less songs, sounds crappier, and is harder to find music for. And yet I love it so much more.

Five people nearly died trying to get it into my house, and I appreciate it dearly. I told them they will each get three free song plays for their efforts.

And wait until Christmas when I stock it full of Xmas tunes! Until then, you can see which songs I stocked it with for the inaugural juke party (dates to be determined) by clicking here.

But don't mock my taste in music. Most of those records were purchased in the 80's.

::: posted by dan at 6:06 PM :: [ link ] :: (17) comments

Monday, September 08, 2008 :::

Other People's Puppies

I never really want to own a dog of my own, but I've decided that next to pugs, other people's chihuahua puppies are the cutest things I have ever seen in my life.

Of course, they are way cuter when you can see them in action and without my big ugly mug in the way:

When I originally purchased my home, I purposely looked for a fenced-in backyard in the hopes that I would one day buy a dog. But after a few years of dog-sitting for friends and family, I'd seen enough poo-eating and heard enough guilt-inducing whimpering to know that dog life was just not for me. So now I just make do by appreciating other people's puppies. And videos of other people's puppies. You know me. I'm down with OPP and OPPV like that.

::: posted by dan at 11:56 PM :: [ link ] :: (4) comments

Friday, September 05, 2008 :::

Animated Friday (Bring on the Pain Edition)!

I like watching people fall down, but these three GIFs are on the verge of looking too painful to be funny, yet I can't stop watching them. Does that make me a sadist even if I don't laugh?

Bring on the Pain 1

Bring on the Pain 2

Bring on the Pain 3

::: posted by dan at 12:08 PM :: [ link ] :: (10) comments

Thursday, September 04, 2008 :::

Creepiness in Perpetuity: My Gift to the Community

A few months ago, a seemingly nice Mexican family moved in next door. Trying to be neighborly, I made several half-assed attempts to wave and smile whenever I encountered them outside, but I had gotten very little response. They always just looked back confused, as if wondering to themselves, "Why is that guy I don't know always smiling and waving at me and my kids? He's kinda creepy."

A breakthrough occurred last week when I was mowing my lawn. I looked up to see the woman of the family running toward me, waving her arms, wild-eyed and panicked. Over the roar of my mower's engine I could hear her shouting "Meester! Meester!"

She looked so desperate that my initial thought was "Oh shit, did I mow over her cat or something?" But that seemed like something I would have noticed. So my second thought was that something terrible must have happened and she needed help, like her baby wasn't waking up, or someone had accidentally chopped off a finger. And just so you know, I am not a good person to turn to in times of crisis. I mostly just freeze up.

So I apprehensively turned off my lawnmower, and once the noise of the engine subsided the woman finally stopped waving her arms. That's when she looked me square in the face with all the seriousness of a sledgehammer and asked, "Meester... do you know how to tie a tie?"

I was sweaty with dirt and stinking of gasoline, but I spent the next 15 minutes face to face with her husband, who not only did not know how to tie a tie but had clearly never worn one before either, because I had to do everything for him, from buttoning-up his shirt to adjusting the back of his collar.

And when I say face to face, I mean facetoface. Like newlyweds in the morning, I literally stood so close in front of him while adjusting his neckwear that my sweaty forehead bumped into his chin at one point. He just kept his eyes closed tight and grimaced uncomfortably, like it was a rectal exam he just needed to suffer through or something.

When all was said and done, the tie ended up being a little too long (almost reaching his crotch), but I wasn't about to go through that awkward experience twice, so I just said "There, all done!" He looked in the mirror and studied my handiwork while his wife clapped in gratitude. "You saved! You saved!" she said. I went back to my yardwork, proud to have lent a helping hand.

Now when I wave at the woman outside, she waves back enthusiastically, but the man seems more scared than ever to make eye contact. In fact I swear I saw him run back inside his house the other day after he walked outside to find me checking my mailbox.

He'll probably never attend another formal event again out of fear he might find himself face to face with the creepy tie-master again. Oh well. At least I know I did my part for the community!

::: posted by dan at 8:30 AM :: [ link ] :: (13) comments

Wednesday, September 03, 2008 :::

IDK, my BFF Jesus?

I love stuff like this. If I were to ever begin collecting anything, it would be a collection of all the embarrassingly pathetic attempts by the church to make Jesus seem hip to kids. Power Tip: It can't be done.

What I think confuses me the most is the anachronism of Jesus being dressed in business casual, yet still rocking that historically inaccurate flowy mane-and-beard combo. So he's still instantly recognizable as Jesus, yet he eerily resembles your lame cubemate, Dave.

Also, Jesus would be a total Mac snob. Duh.

::: posted by dan at 11:35 PM :: [ link ] :: (8) comments